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Maya's Masterlist of Issues, https://www.azevedofamilypsychology…

- - - - In personal relationships, may become upset or distressed by any criticism or disapproval.
        They may bend over backwards to please others
        Be extremely shy or self-conscious
        Avoid or withdraw from intimacy, vulnerability, or social contact
  - - - I fear, and FEEL that I NEED self-criticism in order to motivate myself.
        "If I am too kind to myself, I will become self-indulgent and lazy."
        
        Is this true? Research says NO.
        Self criticism UNDERMINES our motivation.
        
        Why?
        -when we criticize ourselves, we are tapping into our bodies threat defense system. if theres a threat to our physical person, we release adrenaline and cortisol and prepare for the flight or fight response
        -in modern times, the threat is to our self concept.
        
        self criticism releases a LOT of cortisol.
        -if I constantly criticize, i have high levels of cortisol/stress
        -then the body will shut itself down to protect itself, be depressed, etc...
        
        BUT, If i show self compassion--that will make my brain reduce cortisol levels and release more oxytocin and opiates.
        - when i feel safe and comforted, i am in the optimal mind state to do my best
        
        -so if we have a thought about ourselves that we don't like-an imperfection-we feel threatened. so we attack the problem, meaning we attack ourselves.
        -with self criticism we are both the attacker and the ATTACKED.
        
        BUT, research says self compassion offers the benefits of self esteem without pitfalls.
        -strong mental health, but not associatd with narcissism, social comparison,
        -more stable sense of self worth and self esteem
        -self compassion give syou a sense of value NOT because you reached a standard, but because you are a human being worthy of love in that moment
        
        "The more we are able to keep our hearts open to ourselves, the more we have available to give to others."
  - - - NOT a way of judging ourselves positively.
        ...A way of relating to ourselves kindly. Embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4
        
        Treating Ourselves with Kindness vs. Harsh Self Judgement
        -encouragement, empathy, patience, gentleness you would give to a friend
        -even on bad days, when things aren't going well
        
        Common Humanity vs. Isolation
        "how am I the SAME as others?" as opposed to "how am I different?
        -what it means to be human, imperfect
        
        when we don't reach our goals as anticipated, or feelings of abnormalilty/separation from others
        
        we make ourselves feel so much worse by believing we are alone in our struggles, when that is actually what connects us to people
        
        Mindfulness vs. Over Identification
        
        being with the present moment
        
        validate, accept that we are suffering in order to give ourselves compassion
        
        -sometimes we aren't aware of our own suffering, especially when that comes from our own self criticism
      - linked to less stress, less anxiety, less depression
        MORE happiness, life satisfaction, greater motivation, healthier lifestyel choices
        sense of connectedness to others
    - - Every thinking pattern can be associated with a certain neural pathway. Neurons that fire together, wire together.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiEMVA8AIJw&time_continue=762&source_ve_path=NzY3NTg&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ted.com%2F&embeds_referring_origin=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ted.com
        
        The more you think a certain way. the more strenghtened the pathway becomes.
        Gradually, it becomes a habitual thinking whether the thought is rational or not.
        "i am stupid-" reinforces a shaming pattern. that will arise in similar situations
        
        Neural Plasticity
        -we CAN contruct new pathways
        -start compassionate SELF Talk to generate new neural connections/pathway
        -"i feel ", "this is "
        -gradually, the OLD will fade away, and new self compassionate talk with come through
        
        : people who are more compassionate to themselves are better at coping with negative emotions and less likely to ruminate on their negative thoughts and therefore having a lower level of depression and anxiety.
        
        more open, flexible to responding to changes in their lives
        
        If you have trouble accessing your compassionate self-talk, here's a trick to it:
        - ask yourself what would you say to your family or your friend or who you care about when you see them suffering or struggling.
        -Give the loving-kindness you give to them for yourself.
        
        But that's the thing-I suck at comforting someone who is suffering or struggling. Usually I AM the one who is suffering or struggling, I fear.
        I'm not the friend you go to with your big problems or big feelings.
        
        I'm not enough. I don't deserve this. I'm less of who I want to be. I'm stupid. I'm dumb." I can go on and on, but you have heard me say enough of that this afternoon. Keep a mental journal throughout your day and count how many of those sentences you actually say to yourself. You would be surprised. Start to challenge those automatic thoughts: "Am I 100% sure those thoughts are true? Or am I just saying this out of habit?"
        
        If you're not 100% percent sure, even only 1% doubt, question them. Don't let them pass. Stop being harsh on yourself: "I can't do this; I shouldn't have done that." You mean well; you mean to motivate yourself. However, this tone can only impact your self-esteem negatively. So how about we try a different set of tone? "I will. I would like. I hope. I would like to do this." It still gets the job done, but imagine how you would feel differently.
  - - - Forgive Yourself
        
        accept what has happened
        
        release yourself from blaming yourself and move forward
        -reflect on what led to past mistakes, acknolwedge the pain you experienced, identify what you learned from the situation
        -say "I forgive you" genuinely.
        
        Practice Self Acceptance
        -let go of the thought you have about how you THINK you should feel, look, or be different
        -focus on what you DO like about yourself
        -emrbace your quirks
        
        Be There For Yourself When Life Gets Rough
        -criticism makes us feel worse
        -acknolwedge your feeling, offer yoruself some comfort, kindness
        
        Connect To Supportive People
        -low self worth makes us feel isoplated, alone
        -we pull away from relationships
        -challenges do not make us unworthy
        -get in touch with tohers, our humanity, sense of worth