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Mind Map, Sense of Self, Age 17. Steak & Shake was my first job. I…

- - - - First diagnosed at age 5 via brain scan, re-diagnosed as an adult to confirm. Stimulant medications have an immediate and noticeable effect. I have no doubts about the accuracy of this diagnosis.
    - - Officially diagnosed, however I think there is a possibility that perhaps some traits of the ASD may be misdiagnosed as mild OCD, particularly since I relate far more to autism than I do to OCD when researching.
    - - Most likely related to a combination of everything else. I don't feel like I suffer from generalized depression. I've never wanted to genuinely harm or kill myself. Any behaviors that contradict that were cries for help.
    - - I would also attribute this to largely a result of everything else, combined with trauma triggers. The anxiety is real, but I do not believe myself to suffer from any generalized anxiety disorder. Anxiety for me is almost always triggered by a trauma event that is a real threat, or a response to something that really happened.
  - - - Self-diagnosed recently, but with multiple reasons to believe it, including taking every standardized ASD test and coming up positive, as well as strongly identifying with autism-related content that discusses what it feels like to be autistic, and what the typical autistic childhood and adult life is like. I scored 169 on the RAADS-R test, so I have conviction in my own self-diagnosis, particularly when realizing almost all my closest and best friends are also autistic.
    - - This one is newly on my radar. It has been gaining growing support as a theory in my mind as I learn more about it, my own childhood trauma, my triggers, my own behavior patterns, etc. It simply is statistically the most likely scenario, particularly if my ASD self-diagnosis is indeed correct. It would explain everything that is unexplained by either ADHD or ASD, and I relate 100% with it.
- - - - Age 2-5. My mother and I were here in Florida living with my grandparents, and I remember a morning when my mother started a fire with the toaster, she said some dirty words and was corrected by my grandmother for saying them in front of me. This was the day I learned to say "shit".
    - - Age 5-7, I recall after my mother passed being forced to speak with several psychiatrists. I think I remember them being concerned that I didn't react more to the passing of my mom, but ultimately, I feel like I didn't know my mom. It was difficult for me to feel for her when she was gone because she had already been gone from my life. I remember my first day of school, and chasing my grandmother down the hall and clinging to her because I was afraid to be left at school without her.
    - - Age 7-12, I didn't have many friends as I was seen as "the weird kid". Word got out quickly that I was medicated with Ritalin, because I didn't know any better or have any reason not to tell my peers what I was taking, so every time the nurse would call me down for a dose, I would be teased.
        
        Age 11, 4th grade, our teacher died halfway through the year to health issues. Entire class was emotionally distraught, but I felt nothing. I didn't understand why, and people thought I was weird for thinking it. I simply didn't ever establish a personal connection to Mrs. Anderson.
        
        Age 12, 5th grade teacher hated me, no idea why, she just did. Even my grandparents commented about it and complained to the school. I went from being a straight-A student to a straight-F student. I completely stopped trying in school because I stopped caring.
        
        Age 12. 5th grade. My old best friend that lives across the street had moved back, so I finally had someone my age in the neighborhood again. Before we could even hang out once, there was an incident at school where we got into a fight over a spot in line. We never spoke again.
        
        Age 12. 5th Grade. No longer allowed to attend recess, instead I am forced to stay in a utility closet during recess and practice my handwriting because my teacher says it is illegible. It still hasn't improved since then.
        
        Age 13. Had my first real serious crush. Gabrielle was her name; she was a girl in my class with beautiful long blonde hair and blue eyes. I finally mustered up the courage to call her after putting it off all day, and to ask her out on a date. I finally got the courage around 8pm, just for the immediate rejection out of disgust from her making me re-think about how I ever thought I had a chance. Basically, everyone in school was laughing at me for it for a while.
        
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    - - Age 12-14. Finally big enough to stand up to my grandfather. He came at me, and I put him down on the ground. He never touched me again after this point, and neither did my grandmother.
    - - Age ??. For basically the entire time I grew up here, there were no other kids my age in the area, it was all retirees. There were occasional times where some kid around my age would be there to visit, and we would become friends for the time they were there.
        
        Age ??. There was one kid named Joey. I think I might have been around 12 but I don't know. He stayed the night with me the last night he was here. We played games and laughed and joked into the night. He proposed that we do some sexual things that were pretty serious. I declined and sent him home early because I was no longer comfortable sleeping next to him. We never spoke again.
      - Age ??. Unclear on age but it was the entire time I was on Ritalin. I was constantly starving and denied food. I would try to sneak into the kitchen at night to eat something so I could stop the pain in my stomach long enough to fall asleep, but they would catch me sometimes and beat me for it. I resorted to eating paper towels or toilet paper sometimes just to stop the pain from the empty stomach.
      - Age ??. I don't remember how old I was exactly, but I do know it was somewhere in my early pre-teens but before adulthood. I was refusing my ADHD medication at this point because I was tired of everyone acting like something was wrong with me. I was diagnosed as bipolar at this point and prescribed lithium. The drugs never did anything. I was subjected to more frequent blood tests against my will, reinforcing the hell out of that fear once again. The pain was so bad one time that I fainted.
      - Age ??. I was incentivized to behave well by being told if I did so for a period of time (6 weeks) I would receive a reward of my choice. I was between an Atari Lynx and an electric guitar. I asked for the guitar after earning the reward and was told no and forced to get the Lynx instead. I asked if I could have a drum set instead, because I really wanted to learn an instrument, but they said no because it was too much noise.
      - Age ??. Later in my teens, this would come up in a therapy session. My grandparents reacted by saying "why didn't you just tell us you didn't do it?" and I completely lost my shit on them, because that's all I kept saying. Nobody listened. I told them they already fucked up 2 kids (one in prison their entire life, the other dead from apparent drug-seeking), and not to fuck me up too. Too late.
      - Age ??. There was a young boy who lived next door to us who had a random dream about something inappropriate happening (like I stole his underpants or something). It never happened. I was blindsided when my family asked me if I had done anything to the boy, and when I said no they took me to a mental hospital where I was told by the admitting staff that I could either sign myself in voluntarily and be allowed to be there as an outpatient and I could go home at night, or they would admit me involuntarily and keep me there against my will indefinitely. I was held there for 3 days, during which I was subjected to invasive questioning and medical tests I did not consent to, which also included enough needles to give me an extreme fear.
      - Age ??. I'm unclear on the time frame, but both of my grandparents were abusive to me. I was regularly beaten, slapped, punched, whipped, degraded, told I was unwanted/unloved/naughty. Sometimes I would be taken out back, stripped naked, and whipped for the neighbors to see. I was forced to choose my own tree branch for the beating each time. If I chose a small one, they would discard it and retrieve a bigger one.
      - Age ??. I think it might have been the summer between 5th and 6th grade due to the sudden drop in grades. Grandparents forced me into a special reading program over the summer. My best friend Shawn was also there so it wasn't so bad. Shawn wrote a really lewd and lustful letter to the teacher anonymously. I got blamed for it, nobody believed me when I said it wasn't me, and he refuted it when I said he did it.
  - - - Age 15. My grandfather left his military-issued 1911 handgun in a cardboard box in my bedroom closet and simply told me not to touch it. I touched it. I shot my best (and only?) friend in the leg accidentally while drunk and experienced the trauma of trying desperately to stop him from bleeding to death in my living room, followed by the feeling of horror when I saw all the cars and people outside and thought "my life is over".
        
        Except my life wasn't over, because this would be the first time I received (confusing) compassion. I wasn't punished for shooting my friend, because shooting my friend was the punishment.
        
        Age 16. Got caught sneaking out to hang out with Tommy and other friends all night. Grandparents threatened grounding for life, I moved in with my dad for the first time, since it was an option with him living locally.
  - - - Age 18. I decided to help myself to what I was promised, having had enough of broken promises. I stole their car. I stole it night after night, sneaking out of my bedroom window. I stole my uncle's car too. I eventually got pulled over by police, and then they kicked me out of their house because I was finally 18 (plus 2 weeks!).
        
        Age 18. There's going to be a lot of "Age 18" entries from here, fair warning. After I got kicked out, I discovered quickly that friends who had previously promised I would always have a place to stay would not make good on that promise, with nearly all of them immediately slamming doors in my face or hanging up on me. One friend did agree I could stay for a few days. I moved all my stuff over to Scott's house while I looked for a job and more permanent residence. I found another friend within 3 days, and returned to find the house empty, with a note on the door that they had moved out of state. They took all my stuff with them. It was because he knocked up his girlfriend, one of my best friends. She would later name me the Godfather of their daughter.
        
        Age 18. My friend Mike took me in. I stayed with him for a couple of months. He would eventually kick me out because his girlfriend didn't like me, and I didn't support their relationship. I didn't support their relationship because he was 21, and she was 12 years old. They would have extremely rough and loud sex in the room next to me all night long. I couldn't say anything because I had nowhere else to go.
        
        Age 18. I managed to get a job as a bouncer at a local night club. It didn't pay much but it was something, and the perks were nice since I got to basically just hang out most of the time. My dad put me up in a room rental at a pretty nice house that was actually sustainable for me because there were so many roommates, with most of them being my coworkers. I didn't stay long because they all stole from me, and then because I was out after 11pm one night that I wasn't working, the owner evicted me and put all my stuff outside. Police said it was a civil matter and to hire a lawyer. They got to keep my rent money.
        
        Age 18. I was desperate for a place to stay, so I snuck into my grandparents' house while they were walking the dog, and I stole the key to the house next door because the owners were almost never there, being snowbirds. After the first night, I took and drank a bottle of vodka I found in the house, and stupidly invited a bunch of people back for a party in a house that I was secretly sleeping in. I lost my virginity that night. We were both drunk. I barely remember a thing except she was on top, and I didn't feel a thing. She gave me a (mercifully, curable) STD.
        
        Age 18. The next weekend, my boss, the club owner, stopped an event, shined a spotlight on me, and told the crowd that I had raped the girl that I lost my virginity to the week prior. I barely escaped with my life, owing that to my friends who formed a human shield around me to escort me outside. I was chased by an angry mob and hid behind a dumpster while I waited for a friend to pick me up. I jumped in the bed of his truck and laid down to hide, just to lay down on a pile of fishhooks that I got to spend the rest of the night having picked out of my back.
        
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        Age 18. One night while I was living with Mike, I went out with another friend, Freddy. We had stolen a bottle of wine from the store and were drinking it in his car. A black guy I recognized from school approached, was friendly, and even asked for some of the wine, which we happily obliged. He refused to give the wine back, so we said "okay" and went to drive away. He threw the bottle through the closed window at my head. It broke mainly into 2 pieces, one of which stuck into my head, the other into my arm, and I had tiny shards of glass in my face, eyes, and scalp. I was up until 5am picking it all out. Freddy just floored it when it happened. I never saw that guy again, but I know his name.
        
        Age 18. Fun bonus! Before he skipped town, Scott also got me fired from my job (he got the job instead) after gloating to me that he had raped my girlfriend on his way to work that day. I thought he was joking, but when I called her later, she confirmed that it was true. He didn't even keep the job he stole from me because he moved.