Brainstorming results

Why do i feel no motivation when looking at my goals? Neither of them motivates me

Last summer I had goals as well, one of them was to do sololearn, to build confidence in coding and I sucessfully did it though I half assed it and when the new semester came I wound up doing the same thing i've always done.

I will hate whatever new I just started and I will make excuses for why it won't work like most of the population will simply because I am afraid of failure.

I want to statrt my own buisness because I've always been drawn to buisnesses as a kid, though i keep making excuses for why I think it won't work, and I watch youtube videos to make my dopamine centres flare up, it also usually makes me feel better when Im stressed so I usually gravitate to a motivational or self imrpvoement video when i feel demotivated.

Learnt alot about ADHD these past months, yet I am still not implementing the things I learned even though I know it will help me change and I have proven memories in my head that has shown me that I operate differently, maybe I am in denial and I fear being rejected by my freinds like I did last time.

Regarding friends I've noticed that even though I enjoy some peopels company very much like victors and etc, it can be a struggle for me to reach out every now and then to check up on how my friends are doing, and I know that this isn't because I'm insecure or that I don't like my friends, this happens because of my ADHD and I struggle to not necessarly rembmer about calling them because their names do pop up in my head from time to time, though the issue I have is in getting excited to meet them, or hang out with them. I don't feel as excited to hang out with them or better yet I don't get the same dopamine from hanging out with them that I do from playing video games or watching netflix.

A habit i've curated from my friends is definetly just impulsively turning on the tv, sometimes not even knowing what I want to watch but still turning it on because it helps me aleviate some feeling I get. It follows the habit pattern of cue, craving, response, and reward. Every single habit i associate with my personality has followe dthis trend atleast once and has palyed a role in shaping my identity. Though it is not my actual identity. 50% of who I am is nature, 50% is nurture. I am in completle control of 50% and I fully intend to make use of that 50%. I am not limited by the environment I was born in I am enriched by it.

I don't know whether the family I come from plays a role on this notion of buisness and how I want ot start my own but I know that I really enjoy selling and I get a boost of dopamine every time I perform some buisness transaction. Truth of the matter is though I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life I have no genuine passions and alot the the time I prefer to hop on the path of least resistence when I finally get that day of like I did yesterday and I can do what I want with my time.

Desire does not equal behaviour chang eif you ask every single parent in this world what they would want for their parents every one of them wants them to go to harvard, they all want smart kids, they wall want their kids to be sucessfull, rich, have a lot of friends, they want them to be confident, brave and courageous however unfortnetly the world is not so kind as to offer these wishes to these individuals. There is a commmon entitiy tha tseperate the great from the rest of the world. I honestly love reading and learning, It opens me up to new levels of thinking that I hadn't originally thought of before which I believe is the entire point of learning to begin with.

Although yes i have no clue what I want to do I do have a general outline of my minimum requirements thanks to the psychology class I went to. First of all I will not qork in a field where I am learning nothing, and to the company im just another liability, I will not conform that. I will only work in jobs that I feel l ike will enable me to gain some skill after I'm done working, with thise car wash job I am learning how to handle people a little better I am also learning how to sell memeberships, so I stay, the commute is not my biggest concern .

If I want to change the way I approach leanring and re wire the felling I get when I read I must change my habits. Why? Because the ones i have assosicate learning with incredible frustrating, I hate the desk I work on, I hate the pain I get, I hate how easy it is to get on my bed. I hate how my chair can lean back. I don't like the lack of space in the area I work in, and environment is a essential portion to any change. I complain that I write useful things in coggle alot of the times though I rarely every refer to it and it pisses me off every time.

Issue exists with the current job I have that issue is that It's not enough money to finance my lifestyle for an entire year of college and still have a little bit of money left over to get the things I want. I won't be able to get clothes I want, I can't take girls on dates, I can't go to where I want when I want, it becomes harder to even link with friends because I have to take the bus to see them. and hanging out with freinds is already something that i struggle with because of ADHD. The whole process causes akot of friction. So how do I solve this provlem I am having? what are the optiosn that are avaialble to me.

Option 1:Do Nothing

Fee

Less stress for me
I won't be able to get anything I want AT ALL over the summer and I must deiscpline myself in order to have enough moeny for school unless I ask my parents.
Logically it makes sense, but it is not a resonable plan, not buying anything I want? not going on any dates? not hanging out with friends because im constant;y worried about spending alot?
With foresight it is a straightforward and easily implementable plan, though from experience and knowledge I know tha thumans are incredible horrible at predicting how they will feel in the future.
I think with hindsgiht I will become very irrated at people spending money, and I will become incredbile cheap and frugal with the money I do have, always thinking oh do I have enough when emergencies come up or situations I did not predict come up and I immedietly get an ick becuase i am not able to afford the experience, and the thought of living liek that, and I am living like that currently it is horrible, I want to be able to get a mothers day gift fir my mom and not feel guilty about it becuase it goes over my budget, I want to set up a date with someone I like and not feel guilty, or feel as though I need to be very cost concious witht he money I do have becauaes I don't wnat it going over god forbid, it ruins the momeent for me, and expecting the girl to accomadate this lifestyle is not fair to hair at all. It's also not fair to me either never being able to treat myself, or never being able to splurge on something maybe or shoe or cologne that I genuinly want.

Option 2: Take a gap year, focus on working and getting a car

Fees

Feels like a great idea when planning it. But can I handle a year of isolation? I have doubts regarding wheter I will be able to focus enough for an entire year, to refine my skills, get a car. and the lot/
Mom will be angry but I think she will understand,
What happens when I get bored of seeing no friends? or im noa ble to see any girls
Shitty feeling seeing all my friends go throughthe uni experience while I'm chilling at home on my shitty desk with my shitty shoulder pain,
socials stigma, honestly from experience people will shun you and shame you because they themselves wish they had the courage to make the decision to risk rejection and failure and persure what they are genuinly intereste in.
Often times what motivated me to study for my exams was the deadline associated with some exams and the costs of rre taking the class, I worry that if im giving mroe respionsibiltiy over my time I will not make the most of it without a dealdine, and I will becoem complacenet and start makign excuses as to why I haven't done something in time.
Motivation will become my biggest enemy with this decison Im no longer surrounded with friends that go to the gym have girlfriends, friends that have other friends, or driends that study or tgo to parties, so my motivation to do all theses things is entirely dependent on myself and the responsibility falls on me. Although I know I am a dsicplined indivual and I am motivated I still have fears that I will fuck u this opportuninty that I was given.
Only person holding me accountable is myself and I need to be able to trust myself unconditionally above all else.
All or nothing mentality I have must Go

Benefits?

Allows me time to focus on finding out what I truly want but it will be hard to do that sitting by myself all the time, with people that do not truly push me to become a better version of who I am.
No more blazckyardigans I will have time to figure out my likes and dislikes, I appreciate the time I spent with them but lately I feel as though the fire of the group we once had has slowly began diminsinshing and ignoreing that feeling is a diservice to myself. I had genuine fun with them first year when w ewould hang out in pauls room and just think and talk or when we would go and watch a movie, but lately hanging out with them ahs felt like an obligation, becuase one of my freidns is still very close with them. This is the feeling I get with some of my old friends except walter and maybe lawrence. and victor.
I hate feeling like im obligated to hang out with people its not being true to myself, that is why the idea of s3 made me cirnge so bad, though I can make new friends and be friend new people it will be harder now because I live off campus and I do not have. a car but I don't think it's impossible. I want to understand the criteria I ahve for loojing fro friends thiough, but I trey not to hild myself back.
I don't know why i feel burnt out hanging with them maybe simply they are not my kind of peple, and thats okay? I honestly don't know who is to blame.And i don't know if I should even cast any blame.
No matter the environment I hang out with them, or the things i say to them it does not feel recipricoal unless they want something in return, like anie or dami, they show littely interest in talking to me, and it could be beacuse im reflecting the same energy back to them and I am just picking up on their vibe but that's how I felt, I don't know why but thats how I feel, and no one on this world wants to feel l ike their pestering somoene to hang out wit them.
This obligation feeling is how I feel when I hung out wiht paul last sumemr as well the relief I got after we fnished hangin out mad me feel gulty for reasons I did notr understand but I remmber the feeling, which is why I mad eup veeryr excuse under the sun to avoid linking with him again.
I love and cherish the moments i spent with victor and paul and I will admit I wiill be lonely if i decide to choose this option . I can facetime my friends but I never wnat to do it out of obligaiton, I want to do it because I genuiinly miss their company, and they will be extremely busy with college as well. It means i must go out of my way to form menainful relationships.
I will have an incredible amount of free time, I will have more reasons to procrastinate and push things off.
i will have more clearity on who I want to become after my gap year, the kind of peron I want to be, what I stand for, and I will have a tremendous amount of responsisibility on myself.
I don't feel happy hanging out with the blackyardigan it feels comfortable, people that re from teh same country as me peopel that are streuggling like me, ahh i can relax and not argue and not feel judged, thats how I felt.
number one reason i want to take a gap year is to learn mroe about myslef
school feels like im lying to myself, intiialy before we start I get that feeling of is this what im emant to be doing with my life, but as assignments stack up and as quizzes and tests pile up that thought almost always gets shoved down, and im stuck intot the familiar pattern of school.
i feel in my heart of hearts i've learned a great deal of what I need to know to get na internship in computer science in my mind what I need to do is practice more and in time I willg et better, I loathe the idea of cheating my way through my entire university semester because I know for the long run I will not be satisfied when I finally get that defree, and I won't feel prouid of myself at all.
Look for friends to move to the states with? go see the world? go and see different perspecrives.

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Benfits Continued

I care more about learnign than a letter grade, the people I meet in calsses even though I won't admit it matter more to me than a grade that I get. But the grade still amtters to me. I think it matters so much because of how I was raised and how mich pressure was put on me by my mom to get the very ebst greade. And a grade to me represents the outcome for a subtanstial amount of effor put forward.
I want to learn more about differenet cultures and people.
Ill have money to spend on things I truly want the first thing I will do is get a car, next I will get basketball shoes and a goodlife fitness membership so I can play ball and basketball. I will then get an outfit I feel comfrotable in and that fits me. Maybe get a cologne or two? I want to become better and more consitent with cooking, potentially creating a routine.
I value real life experience over some fucking colllege degree. i've seen. the students that make ti through and i personally a one of the students if you have a social life in college and have truly never cheated i commend that because its fucking hard to do good in college, have a social life, a job, and persue your passiosn at the same time without excellent communications skill. And even then alot of the times you are forced to cheat.
I want to build new learning habits, and change the old ones I've used hopefully with this approach I can change the negative reinforcmenet I get when I thi nk about doing homework and frustration that I've developed throghout my years at university.
I want to learn what I interested in from who I want, not fucking teachers like tareque or hua li or yllais challi or the other niggas. want to learn a.i development, I want to learn HTWIP. I want to learn different buisness strates and the likes, I want to learn more about myself and what I tolerate etc.
I am 14k in debt rite now, if I take a gap year if in the sad case I don't end up returning to school I will not be 28k into debt, and be forced to consisitently ge t ajob to pay off the huge amount I owe.
More clarity on wheter I truly want to do buisness or not

Option 3:Finish degree and prove yourself before quitting

Dropping out of school to persue my dream job is a big decision and if I make the decision without thinking about it i might regret the position that I will be put in.

Yes i did cheat my way through my first and second years and I did not do as much as Id hope to do to do well this year, but all of this is my fault.
I know my capabilities at thiss point and I understand the best learning methods for me at least to some extent. To dtop out of school now and say I want to persue buisness with no prior is something im very interested in, however my motivation to do work when no dealdine is assigned is alarming atleast for me and I rather make such a big decsioion when I have proof in my brain that I have good study habits, so no matter what I take I will be incredibily sucessful in that field.
Game development is one field of computer science i am interested in. A youtuber explained the various programming jobs to me ina. clear and concise way with clear examlpes better than any youtube with the most views or likes that i've seen on YT.
Goes to show best selling cotent doesn't mean its the best quality of content. It's often a hit or miss trying to find good quality content on youtube that inspires change, more often than not to avoid the time wasted searching for teh best quality content or waiting for the algorithem to give you the best content some people do pay to get this at a moements glance.

Prove myself means attaining the goals I set out for myself regardles of how I feel in the present moement, I need to understnad that I set those goals for a reason

I decided to drop A.I development and i made a mistakes, what I learned form my mistake is that before makign a hasty decison to drop a college course because it is too diffilcult it is always almspot a good idea to take a class in the course to see how it is before making any rash decisions.

I obvioulsy can't go back on my decision im left having to deal with it, it is my responsibility. What I hope to achieve while i have extra time is a profficiency in either coding, or I would like to create ideas to start my first sucessful buisness.