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Where does all this come from ? - Coggle Diagram
Where does all this come from ?
Fear
?
Potential root cause
Fear of facing the hard reality
Fear I won't make it
Fear I'll look stupid
Even for the things I don't need to interact with people !!!
Lazyness
?
But not all the time !
Previously, at work, I could be a beast of work
For pet projects I have at home, I can be extremely motivated and productive
I can spend a lot of energy and time - just on the wrong stuff
Potential Root cause
Symptoms
Procrastination
But where does it come from ?
I have a simple life: no kids, rich. But I still can't get a grip
Symptom
! Things don't get done
Online addiction
Gaming (2000 h steam game count + double the time thinking about things)
Phone addiction
Youtube
Porn
Root cause AND Consequence
I use those to
escape
Managing online addiction
When I control it it doesn't last long
I have that deep sense of achievement when I play
I get passionate. I dig super deep, I love to understand everything
I alternate between "I feel like shit, because I lost time" and "I feel awesome because I did great things in my virtual world
Always solo games, where I somewhat develop & build
Spiraling
Feeling of worthlessness
Feeling unable to do things
Feeling unable to change things
Spiraling effect !
Consequence
!
Panic
Consequence !
My mind usually avoid things I'm not comfortable with
External circomstances => force me to look => I just panic
Emotional Shut down
Consequence
Sometime I can spend maybe 30 min, just staring a point on the wall
Spiraling Triggers
Realizing that I'm late at work stuff
Realizing that my life is not progressing
My wife asking me for progress on important stuff
Isolation
I've always had a hard time to keep friends
I lost contact with all of them
I have a hard time just keeping contact with my familu
I play "Theater" when I see external people - it's very rare that I truely open up
Self-management methods ?
Former boss -
It's not the amount of time, it's how you manage it
I've tried countless self management methods
I teach around self management methods !
I don't stick to them very long...
I spent most of my time building them but not applying them
Potential solution
Support
People are very supportive (work)
When I see them, my friends are very supportive
My wife wants me to self manage
"We cannot be two depressed people at the same time"
Mitigation
I opened up to my parents on this
very
recently - they told me to get help (and meditate and do some mind conditioning
Excuses
The world is in a terrible shape
I'm getting old
My parents are dying (my father is)
My wife is demanding to me
I'm weak
Things I tell myself when I am fleeing
Mantras, Self conditioning
Solution attempt
Tried it before - never lasts long
I see the effect though
"Every day is a fresh start
I am responsible for my own happiness
I do this for me"
Meditation
Part of the solution
summary: Put my mind at ease to be able to better face life
I respond well to guided meditation
Tried it in the past, know how to do it
The point is to try it for a longer period in time.