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Hack #9 Values/Resources Language, Continue: [2] Them, What now [3] Us -…
Hack #9 Values/Resources Language
The science of value exchange: Resource Theory
All interactions/relationships are actually transactions
Exchange of resources (animals give n take what they need to survive)
Many transactions are aimed toward finding people who truly fulfill us and building relationships that are mutually beneficial
Resources: Anything that can be transmitted from one person to another
Physical items: Money, goods
Emotional resources: Love, information, status
People cooperate simply to give and take resources from each other
Hierarchy of 6 needs
6 needs/resources
Money: Coin, currency
Service: Support, care, and warmth to provide comfort
Goods: Tangible products, objects, materials
Love: Affection, acceptance and likability
Information: Advice, ideas, opinions and teaching
Status: Responsibility, praise, titles to evoke pride
Eg. We buy a friend lunch to ask for their advice (giving money and taking information)
We give a colleague praise after they help us finish a project on time (giving status and taking service)
But we typically take more of what we need and give what we have in abundance
We might crave love, so we give it to everyone around us...even if they don't deserve it
We might desire to be in the know, so we gossip in hopes of people telling us more...Does this ring true for you?
Especially with non-physical resources like Love, Service, Information...we give what we most want
Misunderstandings in exchange of resources can cause needless tension, breakups...why?
Power
Measured as amount of resources you have to give to others
Having a lot of money - signals power
Having a lot of Love to give - also signals power
Needs
We can use resource theory to better meet people's needs...
If you want to motivate a colleague...what do they value most?
Or Status - getting respect, high title, esteem from peers
Or Money - a higher salary, bonuses and financial incentives
Information? - Learning, applying, new job skills, insider knowledge?
Security
Relationship becomes more difficult when there's
consistently an unequal exchange of resources
Anxiety, guilt and resentment bubble up
A romantic relationship is
doomed
when 1 person gives more Love and
begins to feel resentful
...meanwhile the person doing all the taking might feel smothered (
overwhelmed
)
Workplace tensions:
When boss gives resource of
Money
to employees, she expects employees to give back resources of
Goods
in working hard in the factory
If boss doesn't pay enough, employees get angry
If employees don't produce enough, boss gets angry
Whether in personal or professional environments,
Establishing
equilibrium
in our relationship is essential
However, what the person
needs
might not always be what you'd expect
When you know what drives someone (their decisions, actions)...interactions become much easier
Value is in the eye of the beholder
Each of us is oriented toward one of 6 categories of resources, the last onion layer (OCEAN > 5 Love Lang > Primary Value/Resource)
Finding Primary Values
It was as if the participants were looking to gain something from each of their social interactions...if they got it = it was a positive interaction, if they didn't get it = it was negative
All of us have a cherished need that we are looking to fill during interactions
[1] Your Primary value
-
Knowing your primary value is key to
contentment - satisfaction, fulfilment, happiness
It's at the heart of who we are...the choices we make...what motivates us
Want to know why you're
in a funk (depressed?)
...your primary value isn't met
Want to know why a
r/s isn't working
for you...it's probably a value misalignment
Want to know why you made a
poor choice
...your value was driving you in a different direction (I should have done this...)
How do you know what you cherish the most?
What you want to collect more in your life?
[1] To fill a missing need
We often try to seek from others what we have been denied earlier in life
Grew in not-loving household
= may seek Love, validation (recognition n (affirmation)support/encouragement from someone that what they're feeling/opinions are valid and worthwhile)
= may become
people pleasers
in their desperation to make ppl
like them
Someone who came from poor background
= May be very
stingy
, always comparing prices and being more
particular
about it
[2] We are finding what we inherently lack or feel limited on
Someone with
low self-esteem
= May seek
Status
resource from others...
= Incessantly posts selfies on social media to farm for likes, comments and shares...just to feel good about themselves
[3] We seek things to satisfy a purpose
Hoarders seek Goods endlessly to feel secure in their life
...(seek goods is a means to an end - secure)
Nurses give Service to others as they believe its part of their personal mission to serve the community
Service - taking care of people
An exercise to find the value that you prioritize the most
0 = Does not describe me at all
1 = Describes me somewhat
2 = Describes me well
Status
It makes me feel great when someone praises me
I like to be in charge/given power or credit
It's important for me to feel respected by others
I feel worthy when my accomplishments are recognized
Money
It is important to me to be financial stable
I do my job mostly for the money
I think you have to have money to be completely happy
I feel worthy when I can afford what I desire
Service
It's important to feel the people in my life support me
It makes me feel special when someone does a favor for me
It's important to me to feel cared for
It makes me feel worthy when I don't have to ask for help
Goods
I like to collect things
I often buy and give gifts
I can think of many objects in my home that have emotional meaning
I feel worthy when I have a comfortable home/office...
When I have lots of assets
When I'm surrounded by tokens/objects from my past
Love
It's important to me to feel accepted
It's important to me to be liked by others
It's important to me to feel like I belong
I feel worthy when I'm included/appreciated
Information
I like to be in the know
I like to give advice
I enjoy teaching and learning
I feel worthy when I'm told information first
When I'm asked to give an opinion
An exercise to find if you have different primary value for each area of your life
Social
What is your favorite thing about being with your closest friends?
What would you add to your social interactions to make them better?
When I am with my closest friends, I feel most content when...
My social & romantic primary value = Love...I did not feel very liked or accepted growing up, never had a great group of friends in sch, as an adult, I'm incredibly lucky...finally have a wonderfully supportive partner and loving friend group...But I still consistently try to give Love and take Love from these important people
Romantic
If you had to describe the best part of your relationship, what would it be?
What is the greatest gift your partner could give you, tell you, or do for you?
When you are with your partner, you feel most worthy when...
Professional
What gives you a sense of purpose at work?
What do you hope to get from the work you do?
During the workday, I feel most worthy when...
Eg. My professional primary value = information...I'm constantly reading and teaching every book, blog, study
Continue: [2] Them
I use 3 tactics to uncover someone's value language:
Complaints and brags
Does someone complain:
About not being paid enough at work? (Money)
Not being recognized for an achievement (Status)
Not having a nice enough car? (Goods)
Brag about how they took care of a sick parents? (Service)
How much the new boss likes them? (Love)
How much they know about the new corporate partner? (Information)
We're usually proud of obtaining our primary resource...and upset about not having enough of it
This comes out in boasts, grumbles and brags
Nonverbal cues
When someone gets a primary value met, they are delighted!
Watch for genuine happiness micro expression, leans, nods, and winner body language
When someone does not get their value met, they show disgust, anger, contempt or defeated body language
Behavioral cues
Colleague A always stay late to suck up to the boss = Looking for praise/more responsibility...Status
Person B leaves promptly every day at 5pm, but always get their projects done in time for raise review, first to ask about year-end bonus = Money
C is an office butterfly, making friends, leaving supportive notes = Love
D always remember ppl's birthdays, loves to plan office parties, organizes events = Service
E wants the office corner, best parking space, love corporate perks and never forget to bring everyone souvenirs from vacations = Goods
F a bit of an office gossip, always know what's going on behind the scenes, plays gold with all the partners = Information
Worries
What keeps them up at night?
What do they stress about?
Eg. friend who constantly moaning about feeling out of the loop = her value is Information
Colleague who freaks out over people's titles and promotion = Status
Listen to the kind of things someone worries about
Ask them what they worry about or biggest worries in life
Match it with a primary value
Important note:
Primary values are hard to talk about honestly
Most ppl driven by Money are ashamed to admit it
Others feel embarrass to say they need to be liked/please people
Be aware of what they say their value language is...as it might not be what they actually behave/believe in
A behavior truth: Most people's choices make sense to them
When they don't make sense to you...it's because you're values are different
Why some people drive you crazy?
Appeal to someone by focusing on what they value, not what you value
What now [3] Us
What do you do wif their matrix?
[1] Stronger ability to predict their future behavior and choices
Make better decisions eg. potential romantic partner
[2] Better motivate people in your life
How to encourage your child?
How to impress your boss? support their primary value not yours, give more of what their value, take less of what matters most to them
[3] Help people feel worthy
Your goal as a hacker is to....
Hunt for people's values
Hunt to give them meaning
Hunt for heart