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Hack #8 Appreciation Matrix/Language - Coggle Diagram
Hack #8 Appreciation Matrix/Language
5 Love languages - ways people express & feel love
Physical Touch
Hugs, cuddles, pats on the back
I like to be hugged
I feel appreciated when someone I care for puts his or her arm around me
Acts of Service
By doing things for others - cooking dinner, running errands, crafting something for them
I feel cared for when a friend helps me out
I feel appreciated when a colleague offers to help me with a job/project
Gifts
Through small gifts, token of appreciation (flowers, jewelry, candy)
I like it when people give me gifts
I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift
Quality Time
Simply want to be in the presence of the people they care about
I like to spend 1on1 time with close friends
I feel close to someone when we are doing an activity together
Words of Affirmation
Express their care through spoken or written words - love letters, texts and verbally
I like to receive encouraging notes
Compliments are important to me
When ppl feel underappreciated (in their jobs/relationships)
Harder time working on teams
Less motivated
Are less productive
Feel more discouraged
Complain more
Have lower job & life satisfaction
Next to physical survival...lies psychological survival...The desire to be genuinely appreciated, understood, affirmed (supported/encouraged), validated (accepted) - Stephen Covey
1st layer was Personality Matrix (OCEAN)
2nd layer is how someone expresses appreciation/love and how they feel it
[1] Know your own appreciation language
Primary & secondary
Why is this important?
So that you know what to ask for...
Your partner cannot read your mind, neither can your boss/friends/colleagues
So you can understand differences in perspectives
Especially during a conflict...know where the person and yourself is coming from
When you get to know yourself
You know what makes you happy,
What to ask for
How to have smooth interactions
[2] Know theirs
As a conversation starter
Have you heard about the 5 Love languages? I've been reading this book about it and was curious if you had heard of them?
Then you can guess them and have them guess yours
As a quiz
The easiest way to know how someone likes to be treated is to see how they treat their favorite people...what do they do for you
Are they leaving little notes all over the house for you? (Words of affirmation)
Do they touch your arm during conversations and hug instead of shaking hands? (Physical touch)
Do they love to come around your office and hang out together? (Quality Time)
Do they bring little trinkets home from their travels to give you? (Gifts)
Do they volunteer to make your favorite dessert for your birthday instead of ordering something premade? (Acts of service)
Ask about old memories, favorite stories, recent experiences
What's the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
How do you celebrate your successes?
I really want to do something nice for our colleague who just had a baby. What do you think we should do for them?
What's the most interesting gift you've ever received? & Given?
What's your favorite activity to do with your friends?
Growing up, what did your parents do to celebrate your birthdays or successes?
If you ask a non-gift giver about the best gift they have ever given...
They may tell you something they
did
for someone else, or a letter they
wrote
to someone
(Words of Affirmation & Acts of service)
Decoding micro expressions
Happiness: When you've truly delighted someone
Contempt: When someone feels disconnected from your method of appreciation (doesn't like physical touch might have a smirk when you try to hug them)
Anger: Getting misunderstood, wrong form of appreciation can be tiring and frustrating
Disgust: Remember its a micro expression we show when we are trying to think of a polite way to say we don't like something
[3] The power of inclusivity: Us...
Couples who used more "
I, me, mine
" had lower rates of relationship happiness and satisfaction than those who used more "
we, our, us
"
They emphasized
unity
and
togetherness
, as well as having the same beliefs, values and goals in life vs self-oriented goals
When you know the appreciation languages of people in your life...you can switch into "we-ness" language
Think about how your needs are being met and how you can best meet theirs
Gifts
Professional: Birthday, holiday, desk trinkets, thank you gifts
Romantic: Birthday/anniversary gifts, flowers, travel souvenirs, thinking of you tokens, go on vacation/holidays
Switch/turn it up: Don't get standard presents, get them something personally meaningful
Words of Affirmation
Professional:
Write check-in emails
Create positive feedback reports
Do daily or weekly cheek-in meetings
Offer to write recommendation letters
Give public praise
Romantic:
Send supportive texts
Leave love notes
Do catch-up time before bed
Go phone-free during meals so you are not interrupted
Acts of service
Professional: Help with task completion, party planning, organizing or joining a project, make a cake
Romantic: Cleaning, completing errands/chores, cooking or making something unique to the person (book, gift box...)
Switch/turn it up: Thank-you notes: Draws someone he admires/adores, writes down their favorite memories and inside jokes, Send her funny videos to destress, make unique drinks
Physical touch
Professional: Handshakes, arm pats, high fives
(Good rule of thumb: The farther up the arm you go, the more intimate the touch becomes...head and trunk are considered intimated zones)
Romantic: Holding hands, cuddling, massages, intimate moments
Switch/turn it up: Learn how to give massages or do reflexology
Quality time
Professional: Lunches, drinks, coming in early, staying late, weekly check-in times
Romantic: phone-free dates, weekly dates, trips, car rides
Switch/turn it up: Do their favorite activities, or do something fun/exciting