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Connect: building exceptional relationships with family, friends, and…
Connect: building exceptional relationships with family, friends, and colleagues by David Bradford and Carole Robin
Influence in balance
a long term relationship requires the art of mutual influence in balance
decision about some actions, terms, conditions, who take, who give, who consumes, who pay, whose needs to be met ,...
in long run, it must be balance
it's a kind of art to deepen the relationship
it's not good for a long term: one is proposer and the other is yes man
Maddie and Aam
before having children, the balance of influence between them is pretty good
made major decision together
clear division of labour: kitchen remodelling by Maddie, Adam looking after the process
issues arose after children born
Maddie missed her job satisfaction
Adam was tight on the expense but Maddie do not want to explain every penny spending
no night dating and check in before bed time --> their intimacy suffered
only talk about kids' matters
It seemed to Maddie that job satisfaction cannot be replaced by brining up two children.
Establishing what feels fair
for a long term relationship, we need to know what the other(s) want
sometimes, for sustain a valued relationship, we may trade-off some personal interest like demanding job posts or job satisfaction from a work role
anyways, people in the relationship are trying to reduce "cost" and increase "benefits"
balance / fair: sometimes you benefit and the other paid cost; vice versa. So, it's so important to know what the other wants.
personal interests or wants came from his/her background, original family, values, gender, culture, ...
Rebalancing: clarifying wants, then reassesses existing conditions or past agreements and compromises to make a change as a trial for improvement. Be brave, not to avoid conflict but to sincerely address the needs of each one.
personality is an important factor
introvert needs more time to unwind after work
extrovert needs more undivided attention from the closed others
clarifying wants is at least to help one of them feeling being heard and understood; otherwise feeling being hurt or neglected
people avoid conflict or not willing to change which may not meet hi/her needs
I think if a couple in God's love would be better and easier to solve this kind of problems
notice to those past agreement which might have locked you up for long time
Digging Deeper
reasons for the difficulty - power inbalance arose
status difference --> influence discrepancies
stay-at-home parent commonly loses status about financial decisions and spending that may create further tension
high vs low influence persons
high influence
resist being influenced
believe they are always right
devalues what other has to say
tends to dominate
low influence
becomes passive
emotionally withdraws
resist being influenced
withholds information about what is important to them
cautious to self-fulfilling prophecy
why high position person listen to the dependent person
withdrawal because they think they contribute less and add little
solution
head to head discussion: "can we talk about why we can't talk?"
both need certain motivation to talk about it
the required competencies
how they communicate
problem solving
brave to walk away from his/her comfort zone
Elena shared her concerns about how he viewed her personal issues
Liam is willing to explore what was behind his topic changing
double down the commitment to the other, the relationship when a conflict arose
hope: your commitment, & invested effort will bring out a rewarding outcome
*
breaking the negative cycle
break the -ve cycle: bear in mind that the situation of dysfunctional cycle in a relationship due to imbalance of influence power may be changed, not going on forever
take initiative to break it
the low influence person not to give away the power he/she has
note some beliefs (from the background of upbringings or have been marginalized) or our demographic group why people give away their influence power but they may not be right at all times
With these belief, people found hard to raise difficult issues and stick to it
others' needs are primary than mine
ignore your feeling
let yourself be interrupted
backing down when someone disagrees with you
keeping thing nice so as to avoid conflict with others or disagreement from others
note: conflict --> not mean a flawed relationship
note: unleashed --> escalating the disagreement or seriously damaging the relationship
assumed it is due to my problem or fault, not give feedback
it is important for you to be liked or approved by others
lower the importance of your comments
not to take the credit for your accomplishments
not pointing out a problem unless you have a solution
problem solving --> finding choices, rather being controlled by these belief
note: silence --> negative thoughts grow; it may lead to an explosive expression eventually --> damaging the relationship
how to communicate one's dissatisfaction
such discussion can be damaging if handled poorly but not to avoid discussing it --> need competency to productively raise and resolve disagreements
how each of members see influence power among them in the same way?
disclose what you need, what your feeling are, what I hope the conversation will do for the relationship
share what way I gave away my influence power, and ask how they can help
satisfaction usually comes from what benefit you gain from the relationship
but not to forget the other side of a coin --> there is costs and limitations
making balance of roughly meeting the others' needs in a relationship is kind of art
you need to know what is benefit or cost the other see
review the extent of influence discrepancies among members in a group
believe how much you can influence
how open you can be influenced
how influence balance among members in the relationship