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BIFF - Bill Eddy - Coggle Diagram

- - - - Unmanaged emotions (exaggerated anger, fear, sadness – out of proportion to events)
      - Extreme behavior (yelling, hitting, lying, spreading rumors, impulsive actions, etc.)
      - Preoccupation with blaming others (people close to them or people in authority)
      - All-or-nothing thinking (one person is all good, another is all bad)
    - - They think that it must be all your fault or else it might appear to be all their fault – and they can’t cope with that possibility for psychological reasons.
  - - - Eg. i hate you, you're an idiot etc.
    - - It’s usually emotionally intense and out of proportion to the issues. Sometimes it can seem calm, but be subtle and passive aggressive and bring out the worst in a reasonable person’s response. Blamespeak is never boring.
      - It’s very personal: about your intelligence, sanity, memory, ethics, sex life, looks, etc.
      - It’s all your fault: the Blamespeaker feels no responsibility for the problem or the solution.
      - It’s out of context: it ignores all of the good you’ve done and all of the bad the Blamespeaker has done.
      - It’s often shared with others to emphasize how “blameworthy” you are and how “blameless” the speaker is. The Blamespeaker has no sense of shame, embarrassment, or boundaries. He or she will speak this way about you in public. Unfortunately, Blamespeak often sounds believable to those who aren’t informed about your situation.
      - You have an intensely negative gut feeling about the Blamespeak, which sickens you, makes you feel fearful, suddenly helpless, and/or very angry at someone: the Blamespeaker or another one of their targets of blame.
      - You find yourself compelled to respond with Blamespeak of your own. It is extremely hard to step back to prepare a reasonable response, or to decide not to respond at all.
    - - many people initially respond to blamespeak with blamespeak as it is the generall human reponse
        
        but not only doesn't this work but it makes you seem like an HCP
        
        the other person then uses your reaction to justify another round of blamespeak and so on and so on
        
        The key is to not over-react, but to respond quickly with a BIFF response to Blamespeak. Or not to respond at all, which is often the best idea.
- - - - When no one else is involved in the communication except you and the other person.
      - When there is clearly no real issue being discussed (their personality is the issue).
      - When it is simply the other person’s opinion about your behavior, personality, etc.
      - When it is clear that you will not change the other person’s point of view.
      - When you have already responded sufficiently on the same subject.
  - - - HCPs tend to believe that you agree with their opinions of you unless you quickly disagree. Unfortunately, silence means consent in their defensive ways of thinking.
      - HCPs often tell other people about all the bad things that you have “done” in their minds. If other people don’t hear that you disagree, then the HCP’s comments are assumed to be true by the other people.
      - HCPs’ Blamespeak is so extremely blaming and emotionally intense that their statements sound and feel true – even when they are not. (Emotions are contagious and intense emotions are intensely contagious.) So their emotions often persuade others that you are acting very badly and that the HCP is a victim, unless you can quickly inform them with factual information that distracts and counters the emotions.
  - - - To manage the relationship, such as when you work with the person, when this person is your daughter, etc. In other words, when the relationship is important to you OR you have no way to get out of it.
      - To reduce the relationship to a less intense level, such as with a friend, neighbor, or even a family member.
      - To end the relationship, usually by phasing the person slowly out of your life.