I didn't sleep well as the feeling I had generated from the previous day was growing. The irony being that I was learning about how if you pay attention to things that they grow more and yet the anxiety and feeling of being trapped and oppressed was something I could see no end to. I was starting to feel like I was ill, with a headache and feeling sick. The main thing I couldn't get away from though was my heart pounding in my chest, it was palpable and because I still had my watch on I decided to check my heartrate... resting was between 90-100. My normal is 60-70. In some ways it helped as when I was scanning my body for sesations I could feel my blood pumping around my body with such feroricty and vigour. I decided I couldn't do it any longer and put my name down to speak to Udo. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack and just walking around the ground all I wanted to do was break down and cry but I had no one I could speak to or anywhere to go to do that where it would not be seen. I held it together just long enough to go in to see Udo (and the other teacher sitting to the side of me) at 12 and completely break down in to a blubbering mess, all the pain and suffering inside spilled out, I could hardly get my words out. He told me this was part of the process and that I needed to remove this suffering at the root or else it would keep having this effect on me, I heard the words but stopping for one second to think about being there for another 5 days again made me break down even further in to utter dismay and helplessness. I explained that I couldn't marry the two things of 'may all beings be happy' with the fact that people just walk around like zombies and can't talk to each other, he reasoned that here was not the time or place where they could show it. I also explained that I felt trapped by Kia's oppressive presence in my room and that I couldn't relax. He told me 'you can do it' and I explained I believed he was right and that I could however I simply didn't want to. I would get out of there even if it meant I had to leave my car and phone, he said they didn't want them in a lighthearted way which made me realise how much I was blowing up this situation however my mind was made up. I needed to go. Back to my room to lie down... after crying some more outside. I then walked around for 30 minutes trying to find Kia, the irony that I coulnd't find him when I found him to be omnipotent before was not lost on me. When I did find him it was 2.15 and he needed to ring the bell for the 2.30 session when all must attend. He had spoken to Udo and knew that I wanted to leave, he had also heard of me stating that I felt trapped. He asked if we could have a cup of mint tea and I felt his sincerity and desire to clear the water. He took me behind the curtain and offered me chocolate and biscuits. We talked and I found out he was supposed to be a server but someone had not been able to make it and he always wakes at 3.30 so he put himself forward as the person who keeps the schedule ticking and that he was doing his best. He sincerely apologised for causing any dismay in me, I completly accepted this and explained that it hit my stuff and and just made me feel a little trapped but that was nothing to do with him. He told me that he had got great benefit from the technique and it helped him through the divorce of his wife. He had discovered a book with no cover and happened to open it and it had the bodyscan meditation in it, he tried it and felt good then he heard someone talking about a course they had been on where that was done and he knew he wanted to try it. He found a course in India and he and his ex wife did it and whilst she was apprenhensive by the time it was finished she ran to him and had loved it. He told me I'd done well for making to 5 days as a lot of people leave after 1, he explained that I knew the technique now and could use it, some people leave and return years later to com
Saying goodbye in the car park Kia was still apologetic and clearly disturbed at the thought that his actions had played a part in me leaving. I did my best to reassure him I fully accpeted his apology and in actual fact he had nothing to apologise for. It was my issues/sansakras that had caused the reaction in me, not his actions. Returning to an empty home was slightly disappointing and Sal had left her phone at home too so she would not know that I was out. She returned home with Fox and Neo and we all shared a cuddle which was exactly what I needed... Fox explained that I had bags under AND over my eyes... clearly getting up at 4am in the last 5 days had taken its toll, not to mention the physical and emotional turmoil.