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Marital Enrichment "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work"…
Marital Enrichment "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Gottman (ch1-6)
Principle 3: Turn Toward Each other Instead of Away (ch6)
Engaging in lots of interactions with each other builds "mutual trust" p87 Questionnaire p90-91
Couples make "bids" for attention. Response is either turn towards or away when the bids are made. Of course, turning towards adds to the "emotional bank account" (p88) Exercise to build emotional bank account p94-95
2 Obstacles: "missing" a bid because it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotion; being distracted by the wired world (pp91-94) "Couples often ignore each other's emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice" (94)
Coping with Partner's Sadness, Fear and Anger (pp103-108 Great suggestions with some examples of open-ended questions to ask
What is spouse doesn't turn toward you? p108-109 "marriage is a dance" (108) form to help talk it out on p109-111
Why?
Most therapy is based on opinion, Gottman is based on 7 principles that came from years of research. It predicts divorce, but also prevents divorce. pp3-4
Most use "active listening" and conflict resolution strategies only. Gottman uses 7 principles that must all be going well to have the most effective affect on the marriage and to be happy. p11-14
Happily married couples: better immune system. pp6-7
How effective marital therapy is depends on if things are going well after the one year mark. p10
Friendship is the heart of a good marriage p21
PSO: Positive Sentiment Override - positive thoughts about spouse override the negative thoughts about them. p22
"Repair Attempt" - this is the key to building marriages. This is a prevention from negativity from "escalating out of control" p27
6 Signs of path to divorce (ch3, pp30-52): Harsh Start-up; 4 Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling); Flooding; Body Language; Failed Repair Attempts; Bad Memories. These are really, really good checks.
Principle 1: Enhance your Love Maps (Ch4)
Love Map: all the relevant information about partner's life
"Biblical term for sexual love is to 'know'" p54
"The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you." p56 A love maps questionnaire follows on this page to rate how well you know you mate with exercises that follow to improve your knowledge of each other.
Principle 2: Nurture your Fondness and Admiration (ch5)
"Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance" (p69). This is a key to a good marriage and can be found in the past (p69).
"Fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt" p71 remind yourself the positive aspects of your mate and let them know. Questionnaire follows on p72 along with more exercises
First three principles focus on building the friendship up as it "is critical to a relationship's long-term health because it is the key to PSO" (p113