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How to win friends and influence people - Coggle Diagram
How to win friends
and influence people
Techniques for
handling people
Give honest
& sincere
appreciation
Why?
To make a person
truly
want to do a task
They will "own" it
Work harder than if criticised
Builds confidence
in the other person
Helps to build a positive
relationship between you and that person
How?
Compliments
Everyone wants
to feel appreciated
Be generous
with praise
Regardless of size
Do it individually
and in a group setting
Think about the
other persons work
Don't take
anyone for granted
Wives feeding hay
Must be
sincere
Avoid flattery
Remember creepy Val!
People see
through fake
Thanking
Arouse in the
other person an
eager want
How?
Focus on them
Make them
feel important
Understand their...
Interests
Needs
Speak to how
solving this issue will
improve things for them
Avoid speaking about yourself
People like to feel they are buying - not being sold
Show passion
about their needs
Don't rush them
Actively listen
Deploy
tactical empathy
Talk through
their problem
Don't just ask for it be solved using "x"
Ask their opinion
Listen to their opinion
Provide feedback
Be genuine
Show them a
"success" story
Words can get lost
between you and them
A picture is worth thousand words
Why?
To make a person
truly
want something
The only way to influence
someone is talk to their interests/needs
Don't criticise,
condemn
or complain
Why?
People are emotional
Arouses
resentment
Wounds pride
Especially if done
in front of a group
People don't forget
Puts people
on the defensive
Demoralises
May result in
them "hitting" back
Hard to think
when you feel attacked
Defeats the point of
giving the feedback
People learn
better when praised
Rarely are people
changed by arguing
Buyers remorse
Need to avoid
cognitive dissonance
Ego
How?
Tactical
empathy
Build an understanding
of why things are
Don't project
Challenge
your assumptions
Be prepared to explain
Remember not everyone knows what you know
Don't get defensive
Never attribute to malice that
which is adequately explained by ignorance
Seek their POV
Techniques
Parapharse
Voice
Adopt a pleasant tone of voice
Smile
Summarise
Use time
To cool down
To think (you and them)
Label
Mirror
People are herd animals
Repeat their last 3
words back to them
Avoid yes/no questions
Actively listen
Ask questions
Follow up on points
Detect how the
other person feels
Remember the
7-38-55
rule for commucation
7% is based on words
38% tone of voice
55% body language
Suggest rather
than demand
Get buy in for solutions
Stay humble
Use
time to cool
Make people
like you
Smile
Why?
Conveys that you
are a likeable person
A smile says
you like the other person
Encourages chat
Brigthens the other persons day
Improves all
forms of communication
Remember the
7-38-55
rule for commucation
38% tone of voice
55% body language
7% is based on words
Is free
How?
Fake it till
you make it
Makes you feel more positive
Other people react positively to you -
generating a happiness loop
Practice positive thinking
Remember their name
Why?
Our name is important to us
People will spend big
to have their name on buildings
Shows that they are
important enough to
you to remember
Marco's Dad
People show in interest in
people who show interest in them
Shows the other person
that you are not a stranger
Encourages a comfortable environment
How?
Really focus
when being introduced
Assign a characteristic to their name
Don't allow yourself to feel that
there is no point in remembering them
because you will only forget their name
Memrise
Ask them to repeat it if
you didn't hear it properly
Be a good listener
Why?
People love talking
about themselves
Some of that love will reflect onto you
Remember your interview technique
Allows you to
discover more about them
How?
Practice
active listening
Focus on what they are saying
Do
Mirror
Facial expressions
Body language
Sentence structure
Make eye contact
Smile
Makes you approachable
Makes you warm
Turn towards them
Conveys that "What they are saying is important you"
Remember details
Parapharse
Label
Summarise
Ask questions
Demonstrate that you have been paying attention
Advances the conversation
Keeps the conversation on them
Seek clarifications
Don't
Fidget
Look away
Interrupt
Just be waiting
for them to stop talking
Keep doing something else
People want to feel interesting
Ask questions
about the other person
Don't rush
the conversation
Allow them to talk at length
Gives them the illusion of control
Makes them feel useful
Steer the
conversation back to them
Allows you to
discover more about them
Ask "How" or "What" questions
Avoid "Why" questions
-
they sounds like accustions
Talk in terms of the other persons interest
Why?
People are interested
in themselves
Makes you
seem more agreeable
Allows you to
discover more about them
Find out their motivations
Find out their needs
Find out their pressures
Become an "us"
rather than "them"
People are tribal
People want to help others like them
How?
Be patient
Don't rush the conversation
Find out more about them
Ask questions
Listen
Offer help to solve
what is important to them
Make the other person feel important - sincerely
How?
Use compliments
Everyone has something to praise
People will want to do something
if you have praised their expertise in that
field to show that your praise was warranted
Delegate tasks
Shows that you
trust the other person
gives the other person authority
Soften your speech
"I'm sorry to trouble you..."
"Would you mind..."
Be genuine
Take the time to find
out what they feel pride in
Ask open-ended
calibrated questions
Ask "How" or "What" questions
Allow them to talk at length
You don't need
to need something
from them immediately
Build the relationship
Why?
Easier to get help from
people who you've made feel important
Everyone already
considers themself important
Everyone already thinks that they are
superior to you in some way
tap into that feeling
Become genuinely
interested in other people
Why?
People are drawn to
others who find them interesting
The more you know the
easier it is to get what you want
How?
Remember details
Ask questions
Listen to their stories
Don't ignore the "little people"
Offer to help
when needed
Greet them well
Make them feel important
Make them feel missed
Smile
People can hear a
smile even if they can't see it
Makes you feel more positive
Be sincere
Make it easy for people to help you
Win people to
your way of thinking
Show respect for the other person's opinions
Admit your faults quickly and emphatically
Begin in a
friendly way
Get the other person saying "yes"
Let the other person do the talking
Let the other person feel it's their idea
Honestly see things from their POV
Be sympathetic
Appeal to nobler motives
Dramatise your ideas
Throw down a challenge
Avoid arguing
How?
Avoid your own
defensiveness by...
Distrust
your first instinct
Controlling
your emotions
Anger clouds your thinking
Don't owe anyone
anything so don't try to justify
Listening
Gather more information
Let them talk themself out
Avoid interrupting
Don't let being right get
in the way of what you want
Remember emotions are just as valid as hard facts
Looking for areas
of agreement
Attempt to trigger reciprocity
Stay positive
Welcoming
the disagreement
Be happy to be corrected
Fills in a gap you had
Improves your processes
Being honest
If you are in error own it
Reduces their defensiveness
No one is all knowing
Taking your time
Think about their feedback outside of the conversation
Allows things to cool
Thanking them
You want to deal with people who care
Even a dismissed point raised is useful in allowing you think through your position from a different POV
Postponing action
Let things cool
Allows proper thinking
Decide if the
topic/person is actually
important to your wider goals
It's ok to just walk away
Surround yourself with positive people
Must people don't matter
Why?
Almost no-one
changes their mind
pressure from someone else
They might do what you want
but it will be short-term
People need time to
digest new information
Buyers remorse at play here
Only entrench the others POV
Arouses
resentment
Wounds pride
Other party won't forget
Puts people
on the defensive
Demoralises
Hard to think
when you feel attacked
Defeats the point of
giving the arguing
Makes you
disagreeable
People will avoid you
Boring
Being right isn't important; changing peoples thinking is what you are trying to do
How to
change people
Begin with praise
and honst appreciation
Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly
Talk about your own mistakes before criticising others
Ask questions
instead of giving direct orders
Let the other person save face
Give praise freely
Give the other person a
reputation to live up to
Make the fault
seem easy to correct
Make the other person
happy to do what you suggest
