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[Book] The self-driven child : - Coggle Diagram
[Book] The self-driven child
:
Intro:
Why
a sense of control is such a big deal
Four False Assumptions
Narrow path to success
Critical to do well in school
Pushing more and do more
The world is more dangerous
Ch1. The most stressful things in the universe
**
Hitting the sweet spot:
A better understanding of
stress
:star:
Positive stress motivates children(and adults) to grow, take risks, and perform at a high level :check:
Tolerable stress, which occurs for relatively brief periods, can also build resilience :check: :
Toxic stress is defined as frequent or prolonged activation of the stress system in the absence of support : :no_entry:
It's All in your head
The Pilot(The executive control system)
Too much stress will damage this system
The Lion fighter (The stress response system)
The
Cheerleader
(The motivational system)
The Buddha(The resting state) :star:
N.U.T.S.
Novelty
Unpredictability
Threat to the ego
Sense of control :star:
Stress, Anxiety, and Depression
Why this matters so much?
Toxic stress and times that most sensitive to stress
A caveat about control :star:
What do you make of that setback?
Goal: We want to challenge our kids without overwhelming them, to stretch them without breaking them
:star:
What to do :star:
Ch3. It's your call: Kids as decision maker
A sense of control in Action
Toddlers
Offer two choices
Preschoolers
Free choice time
Encourage play in unstructured ways
Demonstrate, calendar tool
Elementary schoolers
More choices
Help make an
informed decision
by providing pros and cons
Middle schooler
Help child figure out ...[the best place for him to go to school]?
High schoolers
Bias
suggest a consequence if they're not having it
Collaborative problem solving
They will make Mistakes
Not blaming
And beyond
6 Reasons why we're right
Science
2.Kids shouldn't feel like an empty extension of their parents
Giving kids a sense of control is the only way to teach them competency-in decision making, and in whatever skill they're learning
Wisdom coms from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions :star:
You don't always know what's best
Kids are capable. Really
Most cognitive processes reach adult levels by midadolescence
Good decision making making requires emotional intelligence. Kids need to learn what matters to them
When it comes to making decisions about your kids' lives, you should not be deciding things that they are capable of deciding for themselves
:star:
What to do :star:
Family meeting
Do a cost-benefit analysis
Recall, retro, learn and grow from them
Ask childs whether they have ides about how to make it work better
Ask opinions
Ch2. I love you too much to fight with you about your homework: The parent as Consultant
Parent as consultant
:star:
Our job is not to solve our children's problems but to help them learn to run their own lives.
The homework wars
Better to ask " Is there anything you'd like help with tonight? I'd like to know, so I can plan my evening" . :check: Instead of asking "Do you have homework tonight?" :green_cross:
Why the brain likes the consultant model?
Love kids unconditionally and provide them with safe base at home, home should be a safe haven, and a place to rest and recover :star:
Four stages of competency
Stage 3: Consciously competent
But.. The challenge of parent as consultant :explode:
Take a break
Take some time
Be supportive
Set clear limit of consulting hours with some exceptions
Be the safe base
Failure
is a learning opportunity
People go the extra mils when it matters to them, not when it matters to you. :star:
The big picture
We want our kids to be thoughtful learners, and want them to be self-disciplined, not well disciplined :star:
Top grade? No.
Real curiosity and learning
?Yes!
Ch7. Sleep
Sleep and the brain
Sleep deprivation is a form of chronic stress
Emotional control is dramatically impaired by sleep deprivation
Sleep loss is like a "negativity bomb"
Sleep deprivation, like chronic stress, can tigger anxiety and mood disorders in children who are already vulnerable to getting them
Sleep deprivation has physical implications
Sleep is critical to learning
Sleep cycles
Common Questions
Too many extracurriculars, Perfectionism, To many commitment
Peer pressure
Do sleep experiment
How much sleep does my child need?
Too much caffeine
Think sleep is waste of time
Advice from a third party
Do screen homework earlier to reduce blue light
TODOs
Make sleep a family value
Camping
Some sleep aids
20 minutes Nap during the day
No phones in bedrooms
Read about sleep
...
Ch8. Taking a sense of control to school
Get them engaged :star:
Offer choices
Offer practical help: Tutor, fun, game, online resources
Kids have different learning preference and pace, Khan academy
Good student-teacher relationship. Does not need to be limited by poor teacher. Child is responsible for his/her own education
Reduce academic stress and pressure
Yerkes-Dodson curve
Girls differ with Boys
Survival will always trump learning
Homework:inspire--but don't require
No compelling evidence that homework contributes significantly to learning in elementary school years
Finnish Students
The case against homework
Teach kids when they're ready
Any gains from rushing development will washout
Choose schools that are developmentally sensitive in their curriculum and appropriate for your child
Relax and take a long view
Don't go overboard on AP clasess
Test kids the right way
Helps recognize what is missing
Mitigate test anxiety
The significant problems with standardized testing
TODOs
Find solution and do not blame teacher
Remind child of the big picture
Resist pressure to push child if he is not ready
Create advocacy group to make school less stressful. Advocate for brain-friendly experiences in school
Ch.11 Navigating Learning Disabilities, ADHD, and Autism Spectrum Disorders
A sense of of control is good for all kids
Learning Disabilities
Do need accomodations
Three simple steps
Fight homework that isn't necessary
E.g.: If having reading difficult, try read to him, or listen to a recorded book. (Same brain system in language comprehension)
Encourage self-understanding
Help them understand challenges and strengths, family members have similar challenges that do well in life, lots of famous people have challenges too, Google search. Late bloomers, need to be patient
Offer but don't force help
Talk through the pros and cons of resource services, let child make the final call, he can quit if it does not seem to be helping
ADHD
Late bloomers(Prefrontal cortex matures late), encourage them to be patient
Ways to improve ADHD symptoms: Exercise vigorously, meditation, mindfulness
Collaborative problem-solving approach
Structured behavioral programs for short periods
Autism Spectrum Disorder(ASD)
Mindfulness, Meditation training, reduce stress
Responsive to children's passions and interests to connect with others
TODOs
Find a school accommodate your child
Encourage child to try different ways of working and learning to find out what works best for them
Talk out loud to yourself about managing situations that are hard to your kid.
Offer more choices and accept it's okay to say no
Ch.12 The SAT, ACT, and Other Four-letter words
Testing stinks... Usually :!:
Very first standardized test is designed to identify children needing help
Not everything that can be measured matters, and not everything that matters can be measured
Our obsession with metrics
The problem is how we view the tests :red_flag:
Average grades and average scores? No biggie
Killer grades and weak scores? Worth exploring
Tests cannot judge your intelligence
N.U.T.S.
Novelty
Slow down, not rushing through
Practice like you'll play so you can play like you've practiced
Unpredictability
Do enough test prep
Plan B thinking
Ask what can I do? have more than one method Plan C,D and E
Disaster preparedness planning
Threat to the ego
Stereotype
Warrior mode
Predator brain: look to conquer not survive
Use Same music, rituals, and active visualizations of success
Stress and fear
A question of control
[This part is for kids]
Know your parents love you
Do listen to them
Say "Thanks for telling me, Mom" or "That's a good point" to validate your parent feeling
Write a letter to communicate respectfully
Strategy during the test example
Parents: Chill out!
TODOs
Plan B Thinking
Drive child to the testing site to check it out
Plan for child to take tests more than once
Write a paragraph about the values that are most important to them before exam, keep it themselves