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relationship cure - Coggle Diagram

- - - - no frame of reference for each other’s worlds :frowning_face:
      - hard for them to pick up each other’s cues
      - holes in paddles; balls just keep dropping off table
      - each sister delivering facts; other just barely responds to
    - - start giving one another just a little more information
      - asking few open-ended questions in ways that express interest
      - get the feeling they want to be in conversation and in relationship
  - - - Paul’s use of a little humor
      - the way he expresses interest in Marly’s life
      - She’s shy, so he’s got to draw her out with lots of questions
      - open-ended questions; get to the heart of her values and dreams
      - he keeps his focus where it belongs, on Marly
  - - - “Because your friends are more important.”
      - “And that’s supposed to be my fault?”
      - Roger crumples up the ad; Hannah leaves breakfast table in tears
    - - “Now, whose party is it?”
      - “You mean Dana—your best friend Dana?”
      - Roger didn’t get to take Hannah to Cirque de Lune
      - got what was bidding for—an opportunity to spend time with daughter
      - got to show Hannah
        
        he’s interested in her world
        
        really does understand how she’s feeling
        
        that’s called emotional connection :<3:
- - - - wasn’t like we had this huge, catastrophic breakdown or anything
      - trouble is, they haven’t had sex in six months
      - things that used to get her attention; getting nothing in return
      - you never told me that before
  - - - disgruntled workers know that their boss shares their dream
      - that he appreciates their work and ideas
      - he can’t even react sociably to attempts at friendly conversation
    - - she’s after more than medical information
      - wants to feel as though she is part of the family
      - Alice shows she doesn’t consider Kristine a part of world she inhabits with Mom
    - - whatever conflict a couple may have
      - all of them long for evidence that their spouses understand
      - that their spouses care about what they’re feeling
  - - - a question
      - a gesture
      - a look
      - a touch
      - expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”
      - response to a bid is just that - a positive or negative answer
    - - happily married people engaged one another 100 times
      - those headed for divorce engaged only 65 times
    - - good feelings accumulated by responding respectfully & lovingly
      - a conflict arises, they can draw on this reservoir of good feeling
      - I’m as angry as I’ve ever been with her, but she’s the one who always laughs at my jokes. I think I’ll cut her some slack.
      - during arguments
        
        helps to de-escalate bad feelings and leads to better understanding
        
        have greater access to expressions of humor, affection, interest
        
        rather than shutting down communication
        
        stay present with one another to resolve issues
      - start when :question:
        
        good work must begin long before the conflict starts
        
        grounded in dozens of ordinary exchanges of emotional information and interest
    - - I love my wife
      - but our relationship feels empty somehow
      - What he can’t see are all opportunities for closeness surrounding
      - doesn’t mean to ignore his spouse’s bids for emotional connect
      - bids happen in mundane ways; doesn’t recognize important moments
    - - focus totally on tasks at hand; to detriment of relationships
      - passed over for a promotion; lack influence on important projects
      - people who cannot connect; dissatisfaction instability in work lives
    - - prevented simply by acknowledging emotional needs
      - raising kids in chronic conflict homes
        
        difficulty learning
        
        making friends
        
        staying healthy
- - - - contempt
      - criticism
      - defensiveness
      - stonewalling