relationship cure
overview
elementary constituents of closeness between people
basic principle that regulates how relationships work
how conflict between people can be regulated
basic idea
the way people, in mundane moments in everyday life
make attempts at emotional communication
how others respond, or fail to respond, to these attempts
not very dramatic moments; overlooked; yet very powerful
aware and mindful of moments, we can give and receive intimacy
how we connect emotionally
common problems
Joseph is the coldest fish I’ve ever worked for.
But Kristine does worry. And she’s angry as well.
Phil and Tina
wasn’t like we had this huge, catastrophic breakdown or anything
trouble is, they haven’t had sex in six months
things that used to get her attention; getting nothing in return
you never told me that before
need to share emotional information that can help them feel connected ❤
Seattle Internet company
disgruntled workers know that their boss shares their dream
that he appreciates their work and ideas
he can’t even react sociably to attempts at friendly conversation
Kristine and Alice
she’s after more than medical information
wants to feel as though she is part of the family
Alice shows she doesn’t consider Kristine a part of world she inhabits with Mom
Phil and Tina
whatever conflict a couple may have
all of them long for evidence that their spouses understand
that their spouses care about what they’re feeling
failure to master "bid"
fundamental unit of emotional communication
even our best efforts to connect can be jeopardized ☠
a question
a gesture
a look
a touch
expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”
response to a bid is just that - a positive or negative answer
husbands headed for divorce disregard their wives’ bids 82%
husbands in stable relationships disregard their wives’ bids 19%
a typical dinner-hour conversation
happily married people engaged one another 100 times
those headed for divorce engaged only 65 times
emotional money in the bank
good feelings accumulated by responding respectfully & lovingly
a conflict arises, they can draw on this reservoir of good feeling
I’m as angry as I’ve ever been with her, but she’s the one who always laughs at my jokes. I think I’ll cut her some slack.
during arguments
helps to de-escalate bad feelings and leads to better understanding
have greater access to expressions of humor, affection, interest
rather than shutting down communication
stay present with one another to resolve issues
start when ❓
good work must begin long before the conflict starts
grounded in dozens of ordinary exchanges of emotional information and interest
lonely despite proximity
I love my wife
but our relationship feels empty somehow
What he can’t see are all opportunities for closeness surrounding
doesn’t mean to ignore his spouse’s bids for emotional connect
bids happen in mundane ways; doesn’t recognize important moments
similar troubles at work
focus totally on tasks at hand; to detriment of relationships
passed over for a promotion; lack influence on important projects
more conflict
prevented simply by acknowledging emotional needs
raising kids in chronic conflict homes
difficulty learning
making friends
staying healthy
people who cannot connect; dissatisfaction instability in work lives
Bid by Bid
suddenly, fully formed ❌
develop one encounter at a time
each exchange; emotional information; strengthen or weaken
a ping-pong game
bids can be
insignificant exchanges, poignant secrets
game over; “some other time” rarely happens
relationships
awry; failed bidding or failed responses
overblown, subtle, mundane, or straight ahead
Complex, fulfilling relationships
either both players doing very well
deepen; bids grow in intensity and frequency
Katherine and Alice
disaster scenario
no frame of reference for each other’s worlds ☹
hard for them to pick up each other’s cues
holes in paddles; balls just keep dropping off table
each sister delivering facts; other just barely responds to
makeover
start giving one another just a little more information
asking few open-ended questions in ways that express interest
get the feeling they want to be in conversation and in relationship
Paul and Marly
And so it goes…like a bad job interview
What makes the difference?
Paul’s use of a little humor
the way he expresses interest in Marly’s life
She’s shy, so he’s got to draw her out with lots of questions
open-ended questions; get to the heart of her values and dreams
he keeps his focus where it belongs, on Marly
Roger and Hannah
she loves her dad, but not the top item on her agenda anymore.
disaster scenario
“Because your friends are more important.”
“And that’s supposed to be my fault?”
Roger crumples up the ad; Hannah leaves breakfast table in tears
makeover
“Now, whose party is it?”
“You mean Dana—your best friend Dana?”
Roger didn’t get to take Hannah to Cirque de Lune
got what was bidding for—an opportunity to spend time with daughter
got to show Hannah
he’s interested in her world
really does understand how she’s feeling
that’s called emotional connection ❤
Turning Points
Choices We Make in Responding to Bids
marital masters
good at handling conflict; make marital squabbles look like fun
disagree; still able to stay connected and engaged
don't become defensive and hurtful
pepper disputes; flashes of affection, intense interest, mutual respect
conflict actually becomes fruitful - for discovery & problem solving
another place to demonstrate passion and respect in relationship
factors that destroy all kinds of relationships
contempt
criticism
defensiveness
stonewalling
possess secret weapon against relationship destroyers
3 responses to bids
turn toward
turn away
turn towards