relationship cure

overview

elementary constituents of closeness between people

basic principle that regulates how relationships work

how conflict between people can be regulated

basic idea

the way people, in mundane moments in everyday life

make attempts at emotional communication

how others respond, or fail to respond, to these attempts

not very dramatic moments; overlooked; yet very powerful

aware and mindful of moments, we can give and receive intimacy

how we connect emotionally

common problems

Joseph is the coldest fish I’ve ever worked for.

But Kristine does worry. And she’s angry as well.

Phil and Tina

wasn’t like we had this huge, catastrophic breakdown or anything

trouble is, they haven’t had sex in six months

things that used to get her attention; getting nothing in return

you never told me that before

need to share emotional information that can help them feel connected ❤

Seattle Internet company

disgruntled workers know that their boss shares their dream

that he appreciates their work and ideas

he can’t even react sociably to attempts at friendly conversation

Kristine and Alice

she’s after more than medical information

wants to feel as though she is part of the family

Alice shows she doesn’t consider Kristine a part of world she inhabits with Mom

Phil and Tina

whatever conflict a couple may have

all of them long for evidence that their spouses understand

that their spouses care about what they’re feeling

failure to master "bid"

fundamental unit of emotional communication

even our best efforts to connect can be jeopardized ☠

a question

a gesture

a look

a touch

expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.”

response to a bid is just that - a positive or negative answer

husbands headed for divorce disregard their wives’ bids 82%

husbands in stable relationships disregard their wives’ bids 19%

a typical dinner-hour conversation

happily married people engaged one another 100 times

those headed for divorce engaged only 65 times

emotional money in the bank

good feelings accumulated by responding respectfully & lovingly

a conflict arises, they can draw on this reservoir of good feeling

I’m as angry as I’ve ever been with her, but she’s the one who always laughs at my jokes. I think I’ll cut her some slack.

during arguments

helps to de-escalate bad feelings and leads to better understanding

have greater access to expressions of humor, affection, interest

rather than shutting down communication

stay present with one another to resolve issues

start when ❓

good work must begin long before the conflict starts

grounded in dozens of ordinary exchanges of emotional information and interest

lonely despite proximity

I love my wife

but our relationship feels empty somehow

What he can’t see are all opportunities for closeness surrounding

doesn’t mean to ignore his spouse’s bids for emotional connect

bids happen in mundane ways; doesn’t recognize important moments

similar troubles at work

focus totally on tasks at hand; to detriment of relationships

passed over for a promotion; lack influence on important projects

more conflict

prevented simply by acknowledging emotional needs

raising kids in chronic conflict homes

difficulty learning

making friends

staying healthy

people who cannot connect; dissatisfaction instability in work lives

Bid by Bid

suddenly, fully formed ❌

develop one encounter at a time

each exchange; emotional information; strengthen or weaken

a ping-pong game

bids can be

insignificant exchanges, poignant secrets

game over; “some other time” rarely happens

relationships

awry; failed bidding or failed responses

overblown, subtle, mundane, or straight ahead

Complex, fulfilling relationships

either both players doing very well

deepen; bids grow in intensity and frequency

Katherine and Alice

disaster scenario

no frame of reference for each other’s worlds ☹

hard for them to pick up each other’s cues

holes in paddles; balls just keep dropping off table

each sister delivering facts; other just barely responds to

makeover

start giving one another just a little more information

asking few open-ended questions in ways that express interest

get the feeling they want to be in conversation and in relationship

Paul and Marly

And so it goes…like a bad job interview

What makes the difference?

Paul’s use of a little humor

the way he expresses interest in Marly’s life

She’s shy, so he’s got to draw her out with lots of questions

open-ended questions; get to the heart of her values and dreams

he keeps his focus where it belongs, on Marly

Roger and Hannah

she loves her dad, but not the top item on her agenda anymore.

disaster scenario

“Because your friends are more important.”

“And that’s supposed to be my fault?”

Roger crumples up the ad; Hannah leaves breakfast table in tears

makeover

“Now, whose party is it?”

“You mean Dana—your best friend Dana?”

Roger didn’t get to take Hannah to Cirque de Lune

got what was bidding for—an opportunity to spend time with daughter

got to show Hannah

he’s interested in her world

really does understand how she’s feeling

that’s called emotional connection ❤

Turning Points

Choices We Make in Responding to Bids

marital masters

good at handling conflict; make marital squabbles look like fun

disagree; still able to stay connected and engaged

don't become defensive and hurtful

pepper disputes; flashes of affection, intense interest, mutual respect

conflict actually becomes fruitful - for discovery & problem solving

another place to demonstrate passion and respect in relationship

factors that destroy all kinds of relationships

contempt

criticism

defensiveness

stonewalling

possess secret weapon against relationship destroyers

3 responses to bids

turn toward

turn away

turn towards