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Chapter 9: Interpersonal Relationship Stages, Theories, and …

- - - - begin to experience personal dissatisfaction with everyday interactions and begin to view the future with your partner more negatively
    - - grow further and further apart
      - When together, more awkward silences
      - less physical contact
  - - - analyze what went wrong and consider ways of solving your relational difficulties
        
        Consider to changing behaviors
        
        changing our expectations of our partner
    - - talk about the
        problems in the relationship
  - - - the two people commit themselves to each other in a private way
    - - the commitment is made public. Perhaps to family and friends, or public at large
  - - - move into separate apartments and begin to lead lives apart from each other
    - - If the relationship is a marriage, this phase corresponds to divorce
  - - - Testing
        
        You want to see whether your
        initial judgment proves reasonable
        
        “Where do you work?”
        
        “What are you majoring in?”
  - - - exchange basic information that is preliminary to any, more intense involvement
        
        initiate interaction
        
        “May I join you?”
        
        engage in invitational communication
        
        “May I buy you a latté?”
        
        send someone a
        request to be a friend
        
        “Hello, my name is Joe”
    - - To form a mental and physical picture-gender, approximate age, beliefs and values, height, and so on
        
        hear
        
        view a photo or video
        
        read a person’s profile
        
        read a message from
        
        see
        
        perhaps smell the person
- - - - focuses on the strategies people use in breaking up a relationship
        
        Negative Identity Management
        
        blame the other person for the breakup and to absolve yourself
        
        Eg:“I can’t stand your jealousy, your constant suspicions, your checking up on me. I need my freedom.”
        
        Positive Tone
        
        Eg:“I really care for you a great deal, but I’m not ready for such an intense relationship.”
        
        used to preserve the relationship and to express
        positive feelings for the other person
        
        De-escalation
        
        to reduce the intensity of the relationship
        
        Eg: you might avoid the other person, cut down on phone calls
        
        Justification
        
        to give reasons for the breakup
        
        Eg: “I’m going away to college for four years, there’s no point in not dating others.”
    - - response to the deterioration
        
        Decline in self-disclosure
        
        Self-disclosing communications decline significantly
        
        limit your self-disclosures because get the feeling that the other person may not accept them
        
        Deception
        
        Deception increases as relationships break down
        
        People use to avoid arguments over details such as staying out all night
        
        lies may be used because of a feeling of shame
        
        Does not want other person to think less of you
        
        Withdrawal
        
        Non-Verbal sign
        
        decrease in eye contact and touching
        
        Verbal Sign
        
        decreased desire to talk and especially to listen
        
        Positive and negative messages
        
        During deterioration, there’s an increase in
        negative messages and a decrease in positive messages.
    - - Bolster your self-esteem
        
        regain a positive self-image
      - Remove or avoid uncomfortable relationship symbols
        
        Resist the temptation to throw photographs, gifts, and letters out
        
        avoid places you
        frequented together
      - Take time out
        
        Renew your relationship with yourself
        
        take time out for yourself
      - Become mindful of your own relationship patterns
        
        Avoid repeating negative patterns
        
        Don’t see in every relationship vestiges of the old
      - Break the loneliness–depression cycle
        
        Instead of wallowing in loneliness and
        depression, be active
        
        Engage in social activities with friends and others
  - - - Engage in Productive Communication and Conflict Resolution
        
        Practice empathic and positive responses, even in conflict situations
      - Pose Possible Solutions
        
        Look for solutions that enable both of you to win
      - Recognize the Problem
        
        identify the problem and to recognize
        it both intellectually and emotionally
      - Affirm Each Other
        
        Any strategy of relationship repair should incorporate supportiveness and positive evaluations
      - Integrate Solutions into Normal Behavior
        
        integrate the solutions into your normal behavior
      - Risk
        
        Take risks in trying to improve your relationship
    - - the only assumption
        is that each response triggers another response
  - - - Give assurances
        
        Eg: you comfort the other
        
        . You assure the other person of the significance of the relationship
      - Share joint activities
        
        You spend time with the other
        
        Eg: visiting mutual friends
      - Be open
        
        You engage in direct discussion and listen to the other
        
        Eg: give advice
      - Be positive
        
        You try to make interactions pleasant and upbeat
        
        avoid certain issues that might cause arguments.
      - Communicate
        
        Sometimes communication is merely small talk that is insignificant in itself but is engaged in because it preserves contact
        
        talking about the honesty and openness in the relationship and talking about shared feelings
      - Focus on improving yourself
        
        you work on making yourself look especially good and attractive to the other person.
      - Be nice
        
        prosocial behavior
        
        includes talking about a shared future, for example, talking about a future vacation or buying a house together
        
        you avoid criticism
        
        you compromise even when it involves selfsacrifice
        
        You’re polite, cheerful, and friendly
      - Be empathic
        
        This skill is covered in the accompanying
        Understanding Interpersonal Skills box
- - - - men are more interested in a woman’s physical attributes than in her socioeconomic status
    - - people attracted to people who give rewards
    - - people tend to be attracted to people
        they think are attracted to them
    - - People who become friends are the people who have the greatest opportunity to interact with each other
    - - mate would look, act, and think very much like you
- - - - Can you talk about the family finances?
    - - Can you joke about your brother’s disability?
    - - Can you talk to others about family health issues?
- - - - a relationship has to do with how many topics you and your partner talk about
    - - a relationship involves the degree to which you penetrate the inner personalityof the other individual.
- - - - anything that you would incur costs to obtain.
        
        in a love relationship
        
        love
        
        information
        
        status
        
        goods
        
        money
        
        services
    - - what you normally try to avoid, that you consider unpleasant ordifficult
    - - (profit = rewards − costs)
- - - - stage that is more intense
        
        (say, from involvement to intimacy)
      - stage that is less intense
        
        (say, from intimacy to deterioration).
  - - - signify that any relationship may become stabilized at any point
  - - - After saying “Hello”
        you can say “Goodbye” and exit
- - - - first sexual experience
        is a major turning point
    - - Eg: A gift may be a turning point at the involvement or the repair stage, an ordinary event if you’re at the intimate stage and such gifts are exchanged regularly, and an inappropriate gift if given too early in the relationship.
- - - - each person’s license is the same
    - - one person has greater license than the other.