Emotional blackmail
by Chow Mou Zhi
emotional blackmail
context
family
ties and constraints due to you
mum and kids
rationale: if refuse mum's requests, it faces to be criticised as not filial piety
put the responsibility and blame to kids
direct or indirect ways
demanding
words
victims' general characteristics
to be a good person in someones' eyes
self-esteem and self-value
personal security depends on others' comments
over-concerning others' feeling
mistakenly responsible for others' feeling or mood
too admire or fear for the authority
overwhelming & dominated by the internal deception
lack of interaction skills to respond the blackmailers
play down their own feeling and justified with invalid reasons.
Rather, they should observe their history and consequences and balance their own concerns and others' request
response with valid, rational and objective views and reasons
voice out your own view and concerns as well
rather you and I can change our deeds
threatening
blame
remark: not doing good does not represent your being bad
reject the requests does not reject the requesters
play down
to cause guilty or responsibiilty
over filial piety
parents expect children to follow their advice that means filial piety, a virtue of respecting the senior
'controversial' social concepts
meeting others' requests on the surface does mean intimated relationship
vs fulfil based on love
fulfil based on fear or anxiety
glance
sigh
remark: please clarify them and take time and space to think and discuss with others
oppressing
self-harm
silencing / in difference
complain why not thanksgiving
giving and expect to have return
work
friends
spouses
church
bawling at (shouting loudly)
intended outcomes
negative emotions
guilty feeling
frightening
frustrated
mind body blocking
make them aligning based on co-dependence
as a thread pulled by the blackmailer
the 'victim" would reduce such negative feeling by following the blackmailer
bad cycling when repeating the submission to the ways of emotion blackmailers
reason: victims let it repeat
consequences
lose his/her own dominion and decision to his/her own behaviors
lose self-assertiveness
and victims became used to be emotion blackmailed
the self weary?
The processes of emtional blackmail
demand
resist
pressure
threatening
submission
repeating
key elements to make the process work
self-value the victim or blackmailer perceived
guilty or wrong-doing or owing feeling (custom)
security or safe feeling
low self-valued persons are easily blackmailed
custom to self-doubt
but less concern their own feeling
hope to be assured by others
stop rather than go along with them
fear relationship
being a good boy or girl
to be best rather than better
pursing perfect without mistakes
to be submissive to authorities
ways out
enhance the self-value
adopting effective methods to deal with emotional blackmails
value the self-feeling
understand yourself
accept yourself
express your feeling and needs
respect other's feeling and needs
responsible for your own feeling
to be the host of yourself
undesirable practices
pleasing the blackmailers, with the assumptions that you are responsible for others' feeling and need to settle them by your pleasing
avoidance: flee from the blackmailers
persuade the blackmailers
wrath towards the blackmailers
consequences to the mind or body of a victim
lose self-esteem or self-respect
reinforce self-doubt
self-disappointed
self-neglect
lose to feel about yourself
to lose the self-expression
rationalization to those unreasonable requests
customed to please others (it is not wrong if we are equal)
generated the fear-based interaction in the relationship
set up emotional boundary
honest self-talk (feeling)
set the acceptable realm for your own
knowing well your own emotion
decide that you are not responsible for others' emotion or behaviors
promise to have good self-protect
practing 3 steps:
stop
interaction
using the repeated response
to lower anxiety
flee immediately
watch
to calm down or settle down your own emotion
look back the processes and your feeling in responses, e.g. labeling you are not piety
pacify your anxiety and guilty
remind yourself of which is the emotional boundary
responses
taking little change each time
setting up different attaniable objectives
identifying all the options and choosing them in priority and rationality (consciously)
believe in your own agency God grants
tell yourself what emotional boundary has been set up now
you are the only one to have the right to define yourself
labeling is not working or has no effect to the one who does not believe and take it
let the blackmailers know your feeling a bit and a bit and ...
respect your own feeling and needs that are not necessarily self-fish
respect others' and self- needs because of love not fear or responsibility
to satisfy others' request or needs is an informed choice to yourself
take or not depending on your want and desire, rather than fear
core belief
we conciously decide what to do or help out based on love in relationship and my wants, rather than fear or 'expected responsibility'
Jesus Christ said, 'more love more forgiving'