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Mindset - Coggle Diagram

- - - - Mental, physical exhaustion due to Ash incident. It took a huge toll on me.
      - Negative home atmosphere. Mom and I fought a lot.
      - Not serious about academics. Joined tuition but skipped classes due to exhaustion and unwillingness.
      - Low confidence. Didn't believe in myself. Always wanted others to help me and explain me concepts. Questioned my abilities without even trying. Dependent on others.
      - Mindless, unconscious and on auto pilot.
      - Also, wrong way of studying. A lot many times, studied without understanding and mugged up the concepts.
    - - Mindless and unconscious behaviours.
    - - We immediately connected. She's the one friend who came and has never left me in the 10 years of our friendship
  - - - 2.Felt unwanted, unbelonged, unimportant.
        
        This was an already existing feeling that grew more. Currently working on this. Practicing self love.
      - 1.Things went down between me, Ash and Sagar. I was way too worked up about it because I thought I lost them.
        Constant stress, worrying, anxiousness, restlessness began.
      - 3.Extreme guilt. I thought I did something terrible. With the hope of sorting things out, tried talking to them that i feel ignored, but got an extreme reaction, making me feel more ignored, affected, unwanted and hurt. This increased guilt feeling in turn.
        
        I dealt with this feeling till 2020. It has significantly reduced. I worked on it and healed it in 2020.
      - 4.Fear of abandonment accelerated.
      - 5.Highly sensitive and emotional. Lot of crying and anger.
      - 6.Fear of replacement began .Saw myself getting replaced by Sai in our trio bond.
      - 7.Complete shift in personality, out of character behaviours (clinginess, cracking too many jokes, trying hard to be funny , talking a lot, immature behaviour, people pleasing etc), purposely did things so I would be accepted and included.
        
        Self discovering process is on. Self awareness increased a lot. More mature and has significantly reduced out of character behaviours. Being more self authentic.
      - 11] Extreme overthinking.
        
        Working on this as it is a huge problem. More conscious of thoughts now.
      - 12]Academics badly affected. Scored less in 12th boards and CET.
      - 13]Self negative image issues prominently began. Low self confidence, self doubts, self blaming, low self esteem, etc
        
        Working on self love and self compassion through patience, affirmations, being kind to myself etc.
      - 14]Physical health affected. Highly Irregular periods and migraine began.
      - 16]Blamed mother for this. Started arguing and fighting with her, thought our friendship was ruined because of her.
      - 17]Became mindless and unconscious since then.
      - 18]Easily influenced by others as I had no self confidence and no sense of self.
      - 19]Constantly suspicious as I thought they gossiped/bitched about me. This behaviour has been prominently seen since then. Though has significantly reduced, I still have doubts about other people.
      - 20]Feeling of loneliness.
      - Insecurities
- - - - Maybe because I told my mother about a classmate inappropriately touching me at age 4 or 5, but she didn't help me out. My own parent not helping me out when I was hurting at such a young age led to trust issues and keeping things to myself.
  - - - Had a friends group. Lot of Playing, Running, Dancing, Jumping, Adventurous
      - Liked dancing. Participated in dancing almost every year in Vedant.
      - Homebody (in phases, especially during monsoon)
      - Sometimes, I was bossy. Also took up the role of a leader naturally in the group.
    - - Mother
        
        Physical and mental abuse from mother. This led to fear & inner turmoil. Was scared of mother's sudden eruptions. Trust issues started growing further. I didn't confide things in her as such because I subconsciously didn't trust her and also because I was sometimes scared of her reactions. Used to feel she favoured my brother over me.
      - Brother
        
        Brother beat me too, sometimes in fun, sometimes serious. He had slapped me a couple of times in anger. Used to subconsciously feel uncomfortable around him. Also felt sometimes he used to look at me inappropriately, touched my bra straps etc. I still feel uncomfortable around him., related to these physical things.
    - - I was full of willpower, never gave up, go-getter. Made sure I got/learned things asap.
    - - I was in a relationship with a guy from society in 9th but I broke up with him after 9th std, because i got to know that he wasn't serious about me. We patched up in few months and broke up again just a month before my 10th boards, because I caught him cheating on me with another girl. Was a painful experience, affected me a lot, physically and mentally. Decided I would never date again to avoid the pain.
- - - - Teachers
        
        Some teachers beat and slapped me multiple times(as well as few other students). Used to be scared, didn't feel like going to school, but went anyway. In 4th, a teacher pointed at me and few other students that we are bad students. I was actually a very quiet person. Became more quiet and reserved. Never told this at home. Constant anxiousness and inner turmoil.
      - Students
        
        Some students verbally bullied and teased me. I was taken to the Principal because one student put a huge and a false blame on me. Was crying and scared the whole time. Tried convincing I didn't do anything, but no one listened. Never told anyone.