Tools for Life
Authenticity
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We are inauthentic. We live absurd, small lives based on suppressed emotions, irrational decisions, hiding what we truly think and feel, and a total absence of integrity.
We live with a fear of looking bad in front of other people while we pretending that we aren’t really afraid.
Our whole existence is based on pretense, including:
Failing to keep our agreements
Settling for reasons, rationalizations, and excuses rather than results
Basing our behavior on irrational decisions
We make up stories about what happens in life, and we use those stories to justify breaking our agreements, holding back, and avoiding risk. (See story below.)
We are machines. Our behavior is a series of automatic reactions — complex chains of stimulus-response pairs. (See machine below.)
We get to work with our inauthenticity for the rest of our life. And then we die.
We can, however, be authentic about our lack of authenticity. And this creates a whole new realm of possibility.
Blind Spots
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What you know that you know
What you know that you don’t know
What you don’t know that you don’t know — your blind spots.
Blind spots produce constraints that are invisible to us. Once we see them, we gain access to personal breakthroughs.
Certainty
Look for whatever you’re certain about. These are the points where you’ve stopped learning. These are the places where you your feet are nailed to the floor.
Change
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Change is about getting more or less of what you had in the past. It’s about tweaking your habits. It’s about playing your old games in new ways.
Transformation creates a new realm of possibility — a whole new set of options. Transformation is independent of the past.
There is the game of change and the game of transformation. These are different games.
Conventional goal setting and problem solving is grounded in change, not transformation.
Choice
Choosing is independent of reasons.
I choose chocolate because I choose chocolate. There are no reasons.
Commitment
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To commit is to stand for something.
Committing to a new possibility for the future means changing our behavior in the present. Action based on commitment produces results. In short:
Commitment —> Actions —> Results
Being —> Doing —> Having
Future —> Present —> Past
You create a new possibility by speaking it. The possibility comes into existence with your word.
Ask how you want a possibility to show up in your life. Then state it as a goal in specific, measurable terms.
Remember that you don’t create results in order to become happy. You are happy and then you create results.
Context
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To create a new context is to stand in a new place.
For example, you can live from the context of satisfaction or the context of gratification. (See gratification and satisfaction below.)
Creating a new context creates a new view of life and new possibilities for action:
New context —> New commitments —> New actions —> New results
Transformation comes from new contexts — not from new circumstances.
Conversation
Human beings are “clearings” in which conversations occur — much like a blackboard is a clearing for writing with chalk to occur.
Organizations are clearings for networks of conversations.
Distinctions
To distinguish is to call something into the foreground through your use of language — something that was undifferentiated and not noticed before.
Enrollment
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To enroll is to create possibilities and inspire people.
To register is to ask people to make a commitment to act.
Martin Luther King’s “I have a dream” speech is enrollment.
Asking people to march to Selma was registration.
Enrollment is the heart of transformation. And enrollment starts with being authentic with someone about how you’ve been inauthentic.
Sharing is the basis for new results and enrollment.
Stop trying to fix or change people. Enroll them instead.
Games
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A game is based on rules and declarations. In baseball, a strike happens when the umpire declares a strike.
We are playing a game called life. The stakes appear to be the highest imaginable — death. But we forget that we are playing a game and that we invented the rules.
Many of us live as spectators. We’re “in the stands” rather than on the court and in the game. We avoid risks and stay in our comfort zone.
Instead of sitting on the sidelines and just observing, you can participate. You can play full out. You can be in the game rather than in the stands.
Taking risks brings aliveness.
The conversation that happens between players during a game is a form of action.
The conversation that happens in the stands — explanations, reasons, excuses — does not change what happens in the game.
The Forum is a game. The leader is a coach. Be coachable. When others share, listen for ways to apply it to yourself.
You can have reasons or results. You choose.
Integrity
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Integrity means being complete, whole, and powerful. Levels of integrity include:
Following the rules (less power)
Being true to your values (more power)
Honoring your word as yourself (even more power)
Your word has creative power. You create new possibilities simply by speaking about them and then aligning your behavior with them.
Being powerful means that your word produces new results.
Keeping your agreements allows you to access transformation.
Keeping your agreements is not right or wrong; it just works.
Failing to keep your agreements is not right or wrong; it just does not work.
Possibility
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Possibility means bringing something new into life. This is inspiration.
A possibility changes you in the moment that it occurs. A possibility changes you as you take action based on that possibility.
The future that you’re living into creates your experience of the present. Action brings your future into the present.
Create possibilities that draw you forward by practicing new ways of speaking:
I invent the possibility that….
I create the possibility of being….
The possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being….
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fully alive
authentic
connected
self-expressed
complete with the past
contributing
present
satisfied
someone who shares and invites other to share
an extraordinary human being
a space where love happens
a space where negativity disappears
free from judgments
free from fear of looking bad
Rackets
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You run rackets by complaining constantly about circumstances while receiving a secret payoff from those circumstances.
A 40-year-old man complains for years about being broke. His parents respond by giving him regular infusions of cash. The payoff: He gets money while not taking responsibility for under-earning.
To discover your rackets, look at your complaints. What are you doing to perpetuate the sources of those complaints?
Sex
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The truth about sex is that you’re hot when you’re hot — and you’re not when you’re not.
Sex is pure machinery.
Don’t confuse sex with love. Love is unconditional acceptance — not simultaneous orgasm.
Don’t look for love or sex to bring fulfillment. Bring fulfillment to love and sex.
Seven Distinctions of Being an Unreasonable and Extraordinary Human Being
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Integrity. Honor your word. Follow rules. Make and keep promises that make a difference. Clean up messes from broken promises and then make new promises.
Being racket-free. Notice the early warning signs of a racket, such as losing your sense of humor. Give up being right all the time — even when you are. If you are right, then get off it.
Being powerful. Instead of using force, pressure, begging, or conning, produce new results through straight communication and taking what you get.
Being courageous. Feel fear, acknowledge it, and act on your word anyway.
Being peaceful. Be centered in the midst of chaos. Deal with what is rather than what “should” be. Give up the interpretation that something is wrong. Be free and unconstrained no matter what life throws at you. Greet criticism or attack with non-resistance.
Being charismatic. Be present. Be here now. Give up trying to get somewhere.
Enrolling. Share possibilities that touch, move, and inspire others.
Sex
Strong Suits
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Your strong suits are fundamental decisions about how to live. You made these decisions at certain points in your life:
During childhood, you experienced a time when you weren’t good enough, and you decided to be…. (fill in the blank)
During adolescence, you experienced a time when you didn’t belong, and you decided to be…. (fill in the blank)
As a young adult, you experienced a time when you realized you were on your own, and you decided to be…. (fill in the blank)
These decisions are often random, hasty, irrational, and even absurd. Yet they can shape our thinking and action for a lifetime.
Story
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We routinely collapse the distinction between what actually happens and our interpretations of what happens. Stories are interpretations of the facts.
Example: Your mother-in-law asks you to not call her “mother.” You make up a story about this: She doesn’t love me.
From then on, your behavior around your mother-in-law is based on this story. You pretend that your story is what actually happened.
It’s possible that your mother-in-law never rejected you. Maybe she truly loves you — and just wants to be called by her first name.
When you forget the distinction between what actually happened and your stories, you become inauthentic. You lose power.
Someday
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Give up the myth of “someday.”
Transformation happens now — not “someday.”
You don’t create results in order to become satisfied “someday.” Rather, you are satisfied and then you create results.
Waiting for “someday” is procrastination.