I feel frustrated

I feel frustrated because

I can't trust my body

I feel like I can't trust my body because

My body does her own thing and I have no control over her, I have gained weight and there's nothing I can do about it, it won't disappear no matter what I do

I feel this way because

In the past I fell down on the ground and that resulted in Post Traumatic Dystrophy disorder, which made me unable to walk and which caused a lot of pain. Sometimes so bad I just wanted a doctor to amputate my leg. I gained a lot of weight.
This made me really sad and unhappy


This made me feel sad and unhappy because

I missed out on adolescence

I felt like I was an imposter

I made me gain a lot of weight because I was immobile. That made me feel like I wasn't feminine at all. I don't feel pretty or beautiful.

I feel this way because

I feel this way because

I got sick when I was 14 and got better at the age of 20. I feel like I missed out on a lot of experiences that you normally have at those years of your life

I already take up so much space because I am so tall. As if that isn't enough Charlotte already. It makes me feel sad to think about myself this way.

I feel this way because

People didn't believe me because doctors could't find out what was wrong with me. They told me it was all in my head and I should go and see a psychiatrist. Also friends and schoolmates didn't believe me because some days were better than others, so some days I could do more than other days. This illness wasn't consistent.

I feel sad because

I have a daughter and I want to teach her that self-love is the most important thing in her love. I tell her daily she is beautiful and perfect just as she is. I want to tell myself the same thing, with the same 'this is the truth'-feeling. I want to set the best example for her.

I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job because

I feel like I fall short in being a good mother to her if I don't love myself and my body.

I feel like, right now, I can't love my body because

I am afraid it will grow and grow and grow again and I will never ever again reach the shape I want and feel comfortable in

Wait a minute!

I am giving myself such a hard time! In the last two months my krav maga training was thrown out of the window by Covid19, I missed the daily bike trips to and from school, we spent A LOT of time at home, level of exercise went down, level of eating sugar went up. It's no wonder I am feeling somewhat uncomfortable, my flow was interrupted and I had to find a new one. That takes time. I can cut myself some slack here. I recently manifested a punching bag, daily bike trips are back again and I am making healthier eating choices again. I am strong, healthy and beautiful and I don't need to repeat it to convince myself. I just can lighten up, my body will respond and I will release the extra weight effortlessly. So ofcourse I can trust my body.
I can be a tomboy wearing sneakers and a hoodie
and I can be girly/feminine in a dress and boots. And I like that about myself!
I AM!
Therefore I am automatically setting a great example for my children. I am loved, lovable and loving.

I feel like I missed out because

I spent most of those crucial years in bed, or just doing the things I must, not able to make pleasure a priority

I feel undeserving of pleasure! Because

I have no right to be here. And: earth is a strange place. I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel safe.

This made me feel

Not taken seriously, unheard. But also made me doubt myself and my own feelings

Wait a minute!

I don't feel safe because

People hurt each other and I just don't understand why. I don't feel at home and I wonder why I came here. So I just pulled myself out of life by manifesting this disease

Wait a minute!

I chose to be here. I choose to come to planet Earth. I have talents that can inspire and bring joy to others who wish to see and to receive, without making it my responsibility to make sure others are happy. It's not my burden. I can choose to make myself happy. I can choose to be myself and show up. Therefore I can giver others permission to do and be the same. I can make this world a better place, just by being me. I came here for a reason and I am done missing out on the good stuff. I want the good stuff. I AM AWESOMESAUCE AND I DESERVE THE GOOD STUFF.

This is very silly. I know who I am, I know my body, I know how I feel. Ofcourse I can take my feelings seriously. Ofcourse I can trust and love my body. The illness has been long gone, for over 20 years now I am very healthy. I can walk, exercise, I can do anything I want when I want it. Just because the doctors couldn't find anything, didn't mean I wasn't ill. I suffered from an acknowledged condition. Yes, back then I was a vibrational match to it, but I know why and that is no longer the case. The doctors were wrong. I am not spending my days in a wheelchair as they predicted. I can do anything I want. On my kitchen wall there are 5 Krav Maga diploma's that can verify that :) I am not an imposter, I am very very real, very strong and I feel good about myself.