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It's 1980, you're Simon Cowell and you've just joined EMI…

- - - - You sign upcoming rockstar Bryan Adams and he releases The
        Year in the Past Where Everything was Great.
        
        The song is too historically inaccurate and totally flops. Your reputation as a music mogul is in tatters. You need to rebuild your reputation. Do you release an autobiography, or Simon Cowell merchandise?
        
        The publishing company wants to use a ghost writer, but you want to write it yourself. You negotiate that you get to write exactly half of the word count. It's a mess, and nobody buys it. YOU LOST.
        
        You release a board game. The rules are too confusing and it takes 6 days to finish a game. Nobody buys it and you're laughed out of the industry. YOU LOST.
    - - The execs explain that their biggest often happen because the song has been featured in TV or film. You like the idea. Do you get one of your artists to write music for a film or a TV show?
        
        TV
        
        Queen offer to do the theme song for Channel 4 News
        
        The song brings in more viewers to Channel 4 news and you're building a good reputation in the TV industry. A TV exec offers to help you pitch your own show. Do you play it safe and pitch a music-themed show, or show your versatility with a hard-hitting drama.
        
        You develop the X Factor over several years and it finally hits screens in 2004. You realise the show could be the way to get the no.1 single you've always dreamed of. Do you focus on solo artists or groups?
        
        During filming, you spot an auditionee who could be a star, but they don't have a sad enough sob story. Do you fabricate one by exposing their granny to radiation, or reanimate the other contestants' dead relatives to destroy their sob story and even the playing field.
        
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        You assemble boyband One Direction, and they release sinister banger 'What Makes You Fit'
        
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        You pitch a show you wrote when you were 15, Uzi: Crime Killer. The pilot gets made and loses the production company millions. YOU LOST.
        
        Film
        
        Bee Gees record the music for the new Star Wars film. It's too funky, and Lucasfilm are forced to re-shoot the final fight as a dance-off. The film flops, and you are sued. You lost.
- - - - Leonard Cohen releases his version of Happy Birthday, to be sung at children's parties. It's too morbid and doesn't chart. Your reputation at the label is plummeting, you'll need your next artist to be a hit. Who do you sign?
        
        Wham or A-ha?
        
        You sign Wham. It's 1983, the year before they released Last Christmas. George Michael is absolutely smitten with his new partner and writes a song to celebrate everlasting love: 'This Christmas'.
        
        It's a hit, but is beaten to the top spot by the BandAid Christmas single 'Have They Heard of Christmas?', with catchy and culturally insensitive lyrics such as 'Do they have chimneys where Santa can land/And do they make their snowmen out of sand?'
        
        Wham's growing fame is leading to tensions within the group, and they want to split. You must choose who to sign as a solo act - blow all your funds on signing George Michael or save some cash. and sign Andrew Ridgeley
        
        Desperate to forge a solo identity, Andrew tries to distance himself from the Wham sound by experimenting with fusion music. He releases an operatic country album. It's doing terribly in the mid-week charts. You need to boost sales, do you get Andrew a magazine interview or release an arcade game based on his life.
        
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        You sign George Michael and he wants to record Careless Whisper. The expense of signing him however means that you can't afford smooth sax player Derk McGall for the solo, and can only hire old-time Yakety Sax player Boots Randolph. The single is a flop. YOU LOST.
        
        A-ha have released 'Come With Me (Higher and Higher)'. The high note Morten Harket hits is such a high frequency that it cuts a hole in the space-time continuum. Two time portals open in front of you, which do you choose?
        
        Travel to past.
        
        You find yourself in 1889, do you look around for some musical inspiration, or kill baby Hitler.
        
        You encounter Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, composer of Flight of the Bumblebee, frustrated with his low position in the charts. Do you suggest Nikolai should add lyrics, or show him how to use technology from the future?
        
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        Kill Baby Hitler. You arrive at his crib and find several hundred other Time Travellers who also want to kill baby Hitler.
        
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        Travel to future.
        
        You've arrived in 2014. Who do you want to work with?
        
        George Ezra releases 'I'm Definitely Not An Old Man (Disguised as a Young Man)'
        
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        You chose Ed Sheeran. He's in trouble for plagiarising Marvin Gaye's song 'Let's Get It On'. Do you use your time portal to go back and change Marvin Gaye's original, or get Ed to sort it out himself.
        
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    - - The Human League release a new version of the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty called Hump Me Dump Me. It's an inappropriate car crash. EMI have put several million dollars behind it. Do you resign or attempt to save the company with your own business model?
        
        You resign, and are now jobless. Do you try and get your life back on track, or go home and drown your sorrows?
        
        You sign up to a Brain Surgeon apprenticeship. You soar through the course, developing a cure for brain cancer. Millions of lives are saved. No hit single. YOU FAILED.
        
        You've lost everything. You're on your sofa watching Police Academy 4 on loop. It's the credits, and you need something to do. Do you scratch your arse or get a snack.
        
        You eat the out of date taramasalata from the fridge with your bare hands. As you start funnelling it into your mouth you see something glinting in the pot. It's a mysterious ancient ruby. This could get interesting.
        
        You hold it up to the light to get a better look. It starts speaking to you inside your head. The voice is hauntingly beautiful. Do you ask it to sing or read aloud the inscription on its base.
        
        You chant the inscription out loud. A thousand armed guards burst through the ceiling, with rubies for eyes.
        
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        You ask it to sing. It produces the goddamn catchiest hook you've ever heard. You and the ruby head straight to the studio to release the single.
        
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        Scratch your arse.
        
        Do NOT click here unless you are Mark Zuckerberg.
        
        Hi Mark, Jenson from operations here. Thanks to the above security measure, only you should be seeing this.
        
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        Design new business model
        
        You smash out an all-nighter and come up with what you think is an outstanding roadmap for the company. The board hates it, and you're fired. YOU LOST