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Silent Agreements (конспект) S.A. - the unspoken "rules" of…
Silent Agreements (конспект)
S.A. - the unspoken "rules" of your relationships (rel.)
grow from the assumptions, expectations, and beliefs that you don't talk about but still hold others accountable for.
are mostly NOT helpful or harming
We are sometimes aware of them, but sometimes not
when we are aware of S.A. of others, we might choose to not talk
I don't talk about them because
I feel I would lose too much
it means that I feel that the damaging relationship keeps me quiet
fear
guilt
feeling of obligation
aversion of conflict
They come from my S.A. about myself
"I ???????????????????????????????????????"
To allow myself to have the feelings but to have them concealed, I "separate" myself into two personas
the one with the true feeling
the agreement between them is my S.A.
Later, S.A. with others add another layer because the S.A. of others interact with mine
the one with the rule
Basic Characteristics of S.A.:
Fear
fear of others knowing my true self
Why?
In fear of being hurt by others
people will stop loving me
they will even leave me
afraid to admit what I really want
why?
Becaue what if I don't get it?
but staying silent will never lead to getting it!
Diversion
diverting attention to anything else to not face the issue
"Growing apart with husband -> more involved with kids' lives -> husband is silently fearful that you don't love hem -> he also participates more to distract himself"
Multilayering
I agree to address only one of the intertwined layers
Change and Transformation
4 Elements of Change
Stage 1. Using Basic Values of Empathy, Trust, and Respect
We both are a part of the work. I rely on his good will and I am confident in his good will. We both are empowered to make this change => mutuality => no judgement or blame
Find a mutually agreeable place and time in private environment without distractions
avoid gossip, keep it between the two of you
give yourselves time to prepare to share your S.A., away from emotional explosion or need to be censored
Stage 2. Using Your Personal History and Insight
examine underlying beliefs and experiences that my be affecting my reactions (see ch. 9)
When we see the situation from each other's eyes, we will be more enlightened, emphatic, and supportive to each other. Like a team.
Stage 3. Reframing - Creating a New Agreement that Works
Have a dialogue: what the belifs and experiences are (used to be) and why we act the way we do.
genuinely listen to each other's feelings and thoughts
Decide: are there aspects of the existing agreement worth preserving?
Ask:
Can you shift how you view the S.A.?
Are you ready to move out of the cycle of reacting to your relationship woes by creating a narrative that only you know about and expecting others to live in sync with your narrative?
Are you ready to reframe this agreement in a way that doesn't blame anyone, using words and behavior that don't push people away?
Stage 4. Having Courage and Faith
Reach the courage to push beyond the silence and the fears that lie beneath it. You deal with the situation as it truly is and connect with the other on a deeper level without shame, fear, or guilt.