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I feel unable to use my animus to strive for self-actualization and…

- - - - They made me a social danger. They manufacture my denigration - that I am not of any value to them. Being a social danger is what traumatises me. But the family won't let me be useful. They have to maintain control. It makes me feel useless
      - The family manufacture my devaluation and denigration - i try and comply with a manufactured world to hide their mistreatment of me and their weaknesses and I think the world needs this manufactured reality. This gives me that breathless anxiety
- - - - I've been. taught to ignore my feelings and what troubles me to focus on a false manufactuered reality that is someone elses idea of perfection - this means I never deal with what my feelings tell me I need to do, before I can attend to the things I must attend to - the true self vs the false self
        
        this destroys my. individuation (my animus), my potential and true inner calling, and also the three parts of my qualities for leadership (see Daniel Goleman)
        
        Cognitive control, affective modulation
        
        3 kinds of Focus
        Inner Focus - somatic markers
        Empathy, cognitive empathy, emotional empathy, empathetic concern
        Outer Focus: understand the ecosystem, systems view - exploitation vs exploration
        
        I want to be able to be self-reliant and only manufacture relationships with others to protect myself. hide my guilt at being willing to betray people i needed to protect me and to hide my families shame