People who are generous with confirming statements are considered to be more appealing candidates for marriage. Positive, confirming messages are just as important in other relationships. Family members are more satisfied when they regularly encourage each other etc... Some negative communication is to be expected. The important thing is to balance it with positive communication.
In contrast to confirming communication, messages that deny the value of others have been labeled disconfirming responses. These show lack of regard for the other person by either disputing or ignoring some important part of that person's message. Disagreement can certainly be disconfirming, especially if it goes beyond disputing the other person's ideas and attacks the speaker personally. Whether or not we are aware of the fact, we send and receive confirming and disconfirming messages virtually whenever we communicate.
It's important to not that disconfirming messages, are a matter of perception. People usually doubt the sincerity of confirming messages that lack reinforcing nonverbal cues like friendly gestures and an earnest tone of voice.
Even doing nothing can be interpreted as disconfirming. Your failure to return a phone call or respond to the letter of an out-of-town friend might simply be the result of a busy schedule but if the other person views the lack of contact as a sign that you don't value the relationship, the effect can be powerful.
In some cases it might be important or necessary to deliver a message that appears disconfirming.

How Communication Climates Drop
As soon as two people start to communicate, a relational climate begins to develop. If the messages are confirming, the climate is likely to be a positive one. If they disconfirm one another, the climate is likely to be hostile, cold or defensive. Many climate-shaping messages are nonverbal. The very act of approaching them can be disconfirming. After a climate has formed, it can take on a life of its own and grown on a self-perpetuating spiral: reciprocating communication pattern in which each person's message reinforces the other's. In positive spirals, one partner's confirming message leads to similar response from the other person. Negative spirals leave the partners feeling worse about themselves and each other.
Escalatory conflict spirals are the most visible way that is disconfirming messages reinforce one another. One attack leads to another until a skirmish escalates into a full-fledged battle. Although they are obvious, avoidance spirals can also be destructive. Rather than fighting, the parties slowly lessen their independence on one another, withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship.

Evaluation vs Description
The first type of defensive provoking behaviour Gibb notes is evaluating communication. Evaluating language has often been described as "you" language because most such statements contain an accusatory use of that word. EX: You don't know what you are talking about.
Unlike evaluative "you" language, descriptive communication focuses on the speakers thoughts and feelings instead of judging the listener. One form of the descriptive communication is "I" language. Instead of saying, "you talk too much," a descriptive communicator would say, "when you don't give me a chance to say what's on my mind, I get frustrated."

Control vs Problem Orientation
A second defence provoking message involves some attempt to control the other person. A controlling message occurs when a sender seems to be imposing a solution on the receiver with little regard for the receiver's needs or interests. The people most likely to use controlling behaviours are those that generally hold a low opinion of themselves and others.
By contrast, in problem orientation, communicators focus on finding a solution that satisfies both their needs and those of others involved.

Strategy vs Spontaneity
The third communication behaviour the Gibb identifies as creating a poor communication climate is the strategy. A more accurate term to describe this type of behaviour is manipulation. Evidence suggests that manipulative attempts don't pay off for the perpetrator either. Spontaneity is the label Gibb used as a contrast to strategy. A better term might be honesty. The important thing is to be honest.

Neutrality vs Empathy
Gibb used the term neutrality to describe the fourth behaviour that arouses defensiveness. A more descriptive term would be indifference. A neutral attitude is disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern for the welfare of another and implies that the other person isn't very important to you.
Empathy is an approach that confirms the other person. Empathy means accepting another's feelings, putting yourself in another's place. Gibb noted the importance of non-verbal messages in communicating empathy. He found that facial and bodily expressions of concern are often more important to the receiver that the words used.

Superiority vs Equality
Superiority is a fifth type of communication that creates a defensive climate. We often meet people who process knowledge or talents greater than ours. Gibb found ample evidence that many who have superior skills and talents are capable of conveying an attitude of equality. Such people communicate that, they see others as having just as much worth as human beings.

Certainty vs Provisionalism
Certainty is a style of communication that is considered dogmatic and unyielding. In contrast to dogmatic communication is provisionalism, in which people may have strong opinions but are willing to acknowledge that they don't have a corner on the truth and will change their stand is another position seems more reasonable.

Expressed Struggle
A conflict doesn't exists unless both parties know that's some disagreement exists. Of course, the express doesn't have to be verbal. You can show your displeasure with somebody without saying a word. But one way or another, both parties must know that a problem exists before they're in conflict.

Perceived Incompatible Goals
Conflicts often look a s if one party's gain will be another's loss. Unfortunately, people often fail to see mutually satisfying answers to their problems. And as long as they perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive, they create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the conflict is very real.

Perceived Scarce Resources
In a conflict, people believe there isn't enough of some resource to go around. Money is a cause of many conflicts. Time is another scarce commodity.

Interdependence
Parties in a conflict are usually dependent on each other. Interdependence exists between conflicting nations, social groups, organisations, friends and lovers. In each case, if the two parties didn't need each other to solve the problem, both would do their separate ways. In fact, many conflicts go unresolved because the parties fail to understand their interdependence. One of the first steps toward resolving a conflict is to take the attitude that "we're in this together."

Non-assertion
The inability or unwillingness to express thoughts and feelings in a conflict is known as nonassertion. Sometimes nonassertion comes from a lack of confidence. Sometime people know how to commuicate in a straightforward way but choose to behave nonassertively. Nonassertion can take a variety of forms. One is avoidance- either physical or conversational. Accommodation is another type of nonassertive response. Accommodators deal with conflicts by giving in, putting ther other's needs ahead of their own. Avoidance may be the best course if a conflict is minor and short lived. Assertiveness is most important when the issue and relationship matter a great deal.

Direct Aggression
Whereas nonasserters avoid conflicts, communication who use direct aggression embrace them. A directly agressive message confronts the other person in a way that attacks his or her position- and even the dignity of the receiver. EX: "You don't know what you're talking about." Verbal aggressiveness may get you what you want in the short run.

Passive Aggression
Passive Aggression is far more subtle than its directly aggressive cousin. It occurs when a communicator expresses hostility in an obscure way. Pseudoaccommodators pretend to agree with you but don't comply with your request for change. EX: Okay. Fine. Sawa. Trivial tyrannizers do small things to drive you crazy instead of confronting you with their complaints. Withholders punish their partners by keeping back something valuable, such as courtesy, affection, or humour.

Indirect Communication
Indirect Communication conveys a message in a roundabout manner, in order to save face for the recipient. It involves more initiative than nonassertion. The goal is to get what you want without arousing the hostility of the other person. Indirect communication is often kinder than blunt honesty. Other times we communicate indirect in order to protect ourselves. EX: hinting. The advantages of protecting oneself and saving face for others help explain why indirect communication is the most common way people make requests. The risk of an indirect message, of course, is that the other party will misunderstand you or fail to get the message at all.

Assertion
Assertive people handle conflicts by expressing their needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly but without judging others or dictating to them. Possessing this attitude and the skills to bring it doesn't guarantee that assertive communicators will always get what they want, but it does give them the best chance of doing so.

1. Behavioural Description
   A behavioural description is an objective picture of the behaviour in question. Put in terms of Gibb's categories, it uses descriptive rather than evaluative language.

2. Your Interpretation of the other person's behaviour
Perception-Checking skill

3. A Description of Your Feelings
Expressing your feelings adds a new dimension to a message.

4. A Description of the Consequences
A consequence statement explains what happens as a result of the behaviour you have described, your interpretation, and the ensuing feeling. There are three kinds of consequences: What happens to you the speaker, what happens to the target of the message or what happens to others.

5. A statement of your intentions
Intention statements are the final element in the assertive format. They can communicate three kinds of messages:
-Where you stand on an issue
-Requests of others
-Descriptions of how you plan to act in the future

Origins of Gender Differences
Biology and Evolution etc..

Conflict Dilemmas
Women face double standards. They are judged more harshly than men. They are more likely to compromise and to give in to maintain relational harmony. Cultural norms present a dilemma for men as well. Men are rewarded for being competitive and assertive. Interpersonal conflict can be frustrating for them. They are more likely than women to withdraw if the become uncomfortable or failed to get their way.

Differences Online
Gender differences that appear in face-to-face communication also persist online. When researchers compared messages posted by male and female teenagers, they found that the boys typically used assertive language, such as boasts and sexual invitations, whereas the girls used mostly cooperative language, such as compliments and questions.

Commonalities
General differences aside, it bears emphasising that social expectations change over time and stereotypes do not always apply. EX: men and women are roughly the same in terms of how much closeness they desire in relationships and the value they place on sharing ideas and feelings. Although men and women may have characteristically different conflict styles, the individual style of each communicator is more important than a person's sex in shaping the way he or she handles conflict.

Delay
The asynchronous nature of the most mediated channels means that communicators aren't obliged to respond immediately to one another. The inherent delays in mediated conflicts present both benefits and risks. On the upside, the chance to cool down and think carefully before replying can prevent aggressive blowups. On the other hand, participation requires active involvement.

Disinhibition
The absence of face-to-face contact can make it easy to respond aggressively, without considering the consequences until it's too late.

Permanence
Emails and text messages come in written form, there's a permanent "transcript" that doesn't exist when communicators deal with conflict face-to-face. The record can help clarify misconceptions and faulty memories. On the other hand, the permanent documents that chronicle a conflict can stir up emotions that make it hard to forgive and forget.

Cultural Influences on Conflict
The ways in which people communicate during conflicts vary widely from one culture to another. Rational, calm, yet assertive approach that is the ideal for European American disagreements. African American culture, conflict is characterised by a greater tolerance for expressions of intense emotions. In individualistic cultures like that of the USA, the goals, rights, and need for each person are considered important, and most people would agree that it is an individual's right to stand up for himself or herself. Low context cultures like that of the USA place a premium on being direct and literal. By contrast, hight context cultures like that of Japan value self-restraint and avoid confrontation. With differences like these, it's easy to imagine how two friends, lovers, or fellow workers from different cultural backgrounds might have trouble, finding a conflict style that is comfortable for them both.

Win-Lose
Win-Lose conflicts are ones in which one party achieves his or her goal at the expense of the other. Power is distinguishing characteristic in win-lose problem solving, because it is necessary to defeat an opponent to get what you want. Real or implied force isn't the only kind of power used in conflicts. People who rely on authority of may types engage in win-lose methods without ever threatening physical coercion. Teachers can use the power of grades to coerce students to act in desired ways. Even the usually admired democratic principle of majority rule is win-lose method of resolving conflicts. There are some circumstances when win-lose problem solving may be necessary, such as when there are truly scarce resources and where only one party can achieve satisfaction. A final and much frequent justification for trying to defeat another person occurs when the other person in clearly behaving in a wrong manner and when defeating that person in the only way to stop the wrongful behaviour. Forcing wrong doers to behave themselves is dangerous because of the wide difference in opinion between people about who is wrong and who is right. Given this difference, it would seen justifiable only in the most extreme circumstances to coerce others into behaving as we think they should.

Lose-Lose
In lose-lose problem solving, neither side is satisfied with the outcome. In many instances the parties will both strive to be winners, but as a result of the struggle, both end up losers.

Compromise
Unlike lose-lose outcomes, a compromise gives both parties at least some of what they wanted, thought both sacrifice part of their goals. People usually settle for compromises when they see partial satisfaction as the best they can hope for.

Win-Win
In win-win problem solving, the goal is to find a solution that satisfies the need of everyone involved. Not only do the parties avoid trying to win at the other's expense, they also believe that by working together it is possible to find a solution that allows both to reach their goals. A win-win approach sounds ideal, it is not always possible, or even appropriate.

Make a Date
Unconstructive fights often start because the initiator confronts a partner who isn't ready. There are many times when a personal isn't the right frame of mind to face a conflict. After you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a request to try to solve it.

Describe Your Problem and Needs
Your partner can't possibly meet your needs without knowing why you're upset and what you want. Therefore, it's up to you to describe your problem as specifically as possible.

Partner Check Backs
After you've shared your problem and described what you need, it's important to make sure that your partner has understood what you've said.

Solicit Your Partners Needs
After you've made your position clear, it's time to find out what your partner needs in order to feel satisfied about this issue. There are two reasons why it's important to discover your partner's needs. First, it's fair. Second, just as unhappy partner will make it hard for you to become satisfied, a happy one will be more likely to cooperate in letting you reach your goals. Thus, it is in your own self-interest to discover and meet your partner's needs.

Check Your Understanding of Your Partner's Needs
Paraphrase or ask questions about your partner's needs until you're certain you understand them .

Negotiate a Solution
Now that you and your partner understand each other's needs, the goal becomes finding a way to meet them. This is done by trying to develop as many potential solutions as possible and then evaluating them to decide which one best meets the needs of both. The following steps can help communicators develop a mutually satisfying solution:

1. Identify and Define the Conflicts
   It consists of discovering each person's problem and needs, setting the stage for meeting all of the them.
2. Generate a Number of Possible Solutions
   The partners work together to think of as many means as possible to reach their stated ends. The key word here is quantity: It's important to generate as many ideas as you can think of without worrying about which ones are good or bad.
3. Evaluate the Alternative Solutions
   This is the time to talk abut which solutions will work and which ones won't. It's important for all concerned to be honest about their willingness to accept an idea.
4. Decided on the Best Solution
   Pick the one that look best to everyone. It's important to be sure everybody understands the solution and is willing to try it out.

Follow Up on the Solution
You can't be sure the solution will work until you try it out. You may find that you need t make some changes or even rethink the whole problem. The ideas is to keep on top of the problem, to keep using creativity to solve it. Win-win solutions aren't always possible. The genuine desire to learn what the other person wants and to try to satisfy those desires will build a climate of goodwill that can help you find the best solution to the present problem and also improve your relationship in the future.

QUESTION 2
What bothered you?
Nothing bothered me about the reading.

QUESTION 3
What confused you or made you want to find out more?
Nothing confused me.