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Chapter 8 (Vocabulary (Conflict: An expressed struggle between at least…
Chapter 8
Vocabulary
Conflict: An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
Communication Climate: The emotional tone of a relationship as it is expressed in the messages that the partners send and receive.
Confirming Messages: Actions and words that express respect and show that we value the other person.
Disconfirming Messages: Words and actions that express a lack of caring or respect for another person.
Criticism: A message that is personal, all-encompassing, and accusatory.
Contempt: Verbal and nonverbal messages that ridicule or belittle the other person.
Defensiveness: Protecting oneself by counterattacking the other person.
Stonewalling: Refusing to engage with the other person.
Relational Spiral: A reciprocal communication pattern in which each person's message reinforces the other's.
Escalatory Spiral: A reciprocal pattern of communication in which messages, either confirming or disconfirming, between two or more communicators reinforce one another.
Avoidance Spiral: A communication spiral in which the parties slowly reduce their dependence on one another, withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship.
Nonassertion: The inability or unwillingness to express one's thoughts or feelings.
Indirect Communication: Hinting at a message instead of expressing thoughts and feelings directly.
Passive Aggression: An indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness.
Direct Aggression: A message that attacks the position and perhaps the dignity of the receiver.
Assertive Communication: A style of communicating that directly expresses the sender's needs, thoughts, or feelings, delivered in a way that does not attack the receiver.
Win-Lose Problem Solving: An approach to conflict resolution in which one party reaches his or her goal at the expense of the other.
Lose-Lose Problem Solving: An approach to conflict resolution in which neither party achieves its goals.
Compromise: An approach to conflict resolution in which both parties attain at least part of what they seek by giving something up.
Win-Win Problem Solving: An approach to conflict resolution in which the parties work together to satisfy all their goals.
Key Ideas
Conflict can emerge from expressed struggle, interdependence, perceived incompatible goals, and/or perceived scarce resources.
The four things that indicate whether or not a married couple is headed toward divorce are that partners criticize each other, partners show contempt, partners are defensive, and one or both partners engage in stonewalling.
Some distancing tactics are avoidance, deception, degrading, detachment, discounting, humoring, impersonality, inattention, nonimmediacy, reserve, restraint, restriction of topics, and shortening of interaction.
Varieties of crazymaking behavior: Pseudoaccomodators pretend to agree with you, guilt makers try to make you feel bad, jokers use humor as a weapon, trivial tyrannizers do small things to drive you crazy, and withholders keep back something valuable.
Characteristics of an assertive message: Describe the behavior in question, share your interpretation of the other person's behavior, describe your feelings, describe the consequences, and state your intentions.
Personal Connections
Sometimes I feel like when I am trying to resolve conflicts with my male friends, it is more difficult because most of them want to avoid the problem and not try to work through it.
I am someone who absolutely hates conflict so often times when someone does something that upsets me, I don't say anything because I don't want to start drama. I realize that this isn't a good thing because it allows for that type of behavior to keep happening.
One of my top love languages is words of affirmation which means that I like when the person I am dating offers me reassurance that things are going well and gives me confirming messages.
I often end up using indirect communication when denying someone's request to go on a date by saying something like, "sorry I'm busy" in order to avoid hurting their feelings.
I much prefer to talk things through in person when I am having a conflict with someone, rather than trying to communicate via text. I feel like it is much easier to get everything out that I need to say.
Examples from the Text
"Musical star Chris Brown has a long record of airing his disagreements in Twitter feuds with other celebrities. This has earned him the reputation of being an out-of-control hothead".
If you're not interested in going out with someone who has asked you for a date, it may be more compassionate to claim that you're busy than to say, "I'm not interested in seeing you".
"Yelling 'shut up' might stop the other person from talking, and saying 'get it yourself' may save you from some exertion, but the relational damage of this approach probably isn't worth the cost".
"Some parents threaten their children with warnings such as 'stop misbehaving, or I'll send you to your room'".
"Consider the conflict between one person's desire to smoke cigarettes and another's need to breathe clean air. The win-lose outcomes of this conflict are obvious: Either the smoker abstains, or the nonsmoker gets polluted lungs - neither very satisfying".