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MANAGING CONFLICT IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP (COMMUNICATION CLIMATES IN…

- - - - ONE OR BOTH PARTNERS ENGAGE IN STONEWALLING. one of the most harmful disconfirming is stonewalling a form of avoidance in which one person refuses to engage with the other.
      - HOW COMMUNICATION CLIMATE DEVELOP
      - A relational Spiral is a reciprocal communication pattern in which each person's message reinforces the other's. this affect is captured in the old saying what goes around comes around. in positive spirals one partner's confirming message leads to a positive response from the other person. this positive reaction in turn leads the first person to be even more reinforcing and so on.
      - Escalatory spirals are the most visible way that disconfirming messages reinforce one another. one attack leads to another until a skirmish escalates into a full fledged battle. although they are less obvious, avoidance spirals can also be destructive. rather than fighting the particles slowly less invested in the relationship.
      - APPROACHES TO CONFLICT. a popular school of thought suggests that conflict involves the dual concerns of pursuing our own goals and agendas and empathizing with other people. you might assume that the most effective conflict managers tip the scales in favor of empathy.
      - STYLES OF EXPRESSING CONFLICT.
        
        NONASSERTION. the inability or unwillingness to express thoughts or feelings in a conflict is known as NONASSERTION. sometimes nonassertion comes from a lack of confidence. at other times, people lack the awareness or skill to use a more direct means to expression
        
        INDIRECT COMMUNICATION. the clearest communication is not necessarily the best approach. indirect communication conveys a message in a roundabout manner in order to save face for the recipient.
        
        PASSIVE AGGRESION. occurs when a communicator expresses hostility in an obscured way. phycologists George bch identified the following varieties of crazymaking behavior:
        
        PSEUDOACCOMODATORS PRETNEND TO AGREE WITH YOU. a passively aggressive person might commit to some thing (I'll be on time from now on") but not actually do it.
        
        GUILTMAKERS TRY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD. a guilt maker will agree to something and then make you feel responsible for the friendship it causes him or her ("I really should be studying, but I'll give you a ride")
        
        JOKERS USE HUMOR AS A WEAPON. an underhanded joker uses humor as an excuse to say unkind things and then claim innocence. ("where's your sense of humor?")
        
        TRIVIAL TYRANNIZERS DO SMALL THINGS TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY. rather than express his or her feelings outright the trivial tyrannizer does annoying things such as "forgetting" to clean the kitchen or pass along a message as promised.
        
        WITHOLDERS KEEP BACK SOMETHING VALUABLE. a withholder punishes others by refusing to provide thoughtful gestures such as courtesy, affection, or humor
        
        DIRECT AGGRESSION. whereas nonassertive avoid conflicts, communicators who use direct aggression embrace them. a directly aggressive message confronts the other person in a way that attacks his or her position and even the dignity of the receiver. verbal aggressiveness may get you what you want in the short run. yelling "shut up" might stop the other person from talking and saying "get it yourself" may save you from some exertion, but the relational damage of this approach probably isn't worth the cost.
        
        ASSERTION. assertiveness represents a balance between self-interest and empathy. assertive people handle conflicts by expressing their needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly but without judging others or dictating of them.
        
        CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ASSERTIVE MESSAGE. knowing about assertive messages isn't the same as being able to express them. it works for a variety of messages: your hopes, problems, complaints, and expressions of appreciation. besides giving you a way to express yourself directly, this format also makes it easier for others to understand you. a complete assertive message has five parts:
        
        DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOUR IN QUESTION. an assertive description is specific without being evaluative or judgmental. judgmental words such as touchy and hyprotecal invite a defensive reaction.
        
        SHARE YOUR INTERPRETATION OF THE OTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOUR this part is where you can use the perception checking skill outlined in chapter 2. the key is to label your hunches as such instead of suggesting that you are positive about what the other person's behavior means.
        
        DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS. expressing your feelings adds a new dimension to a message.
        
        DESCRIBE THE CONSEQUENCES a consequence statement explains what happens as a result of the behavior you have described, your interpretation and the ensuing feeling. there are three kinds of consequences. what happens to you, the speaker what happens to the target of the message, what happens to others
        
        STATE YOUR INTENTIONS. intention statements are the final elements in the assertive format.
        
        GENDER AND CONFLICT STYLE. the men are from mars and women are from Venus theory of conflict has strong intuitive appeal. a body of research seems to support the notion that in general men and women typically do approach conflict somewhat differently.
        
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