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Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships (Approaches to Conflict…
Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
Understanding Interpersonal Conflict
Conflict -
an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals
Expressed Struggle
"Actual interpersonal conflict requires that both parties know a disagreement exists, such as when you let the neighbor know that you don't appreciate the decibel level (of the music)."
Interdependence
"However antagonistic they might feel toward each other, the parties in a conflict are usually dependent on each other."
Perceived Incompatible Goals
"Conflicts often look as if one party's gain will be another's loss. If your neighbor turns down his loud music, he loses enjoyment of hearing it the way he wants, but if he keeps the volume up, then you're still awake and unhappy."
Perceived Scarce Resources
"In a conflict, people often believe that there isn't enough desired resource to go around."
"If a person asks for a pay raise and the boss would rather keep the money or use it to expand the business, then the two parties are in conflict."
Communication Climates in Interpersonal Relationships
Communication Climate -
the emotional tone of a relationship as it is expressed in the messages that the partners send and receive
Confirming and Disconfirming Messages
Confirming Messages -
actions and words that express respect and show that we value the other person
Show Recognition
"If the other person perceives you as avoiding contact, the message has the effect of being disconfirming."
Acknowledge the person's thoughts and feelings.
"Acknowledging the ideas and emotions of others is an even stronger form of confirmation... Listening is probably the most common form of acknowledgement."
Show that you agree.
"It's esay to see why endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message: It communicates that we have a lot in common and that we are in sync."
""People who offer confirmation generously are usually considered to be more appealing candidates for marriage than their less appreciative peers."
Disconfirming Messages -
words and actions that express a lack of caring or respect for another person
Partners criticize each other.
Criticism -
a message that is personal, all-encompassing, and accusatory
"You're lazy."
"The only person you think about is yourself."
Partners show contempt.
Contempt -
verbal and nonverbal messages that ridicule or belittle the other person
"You're pathetic. You disgust me."
Partners are defensive.
Defensiveness -
protecting oneself by counterattacking the other person
"You're calling me a careless driver? You're the one who got a speeding ticket last month."
One or both partners engage in stonewalling
Stonewalling -
refusing to engage with the other person
"You aren't even worth my attention."
I often stonewall my younger sister.
How Communication Climates Develop
Relational Spiral -
a reciprocal communication pattern in which each person's message reinforces the other's
"In positive spirals, one partner's confirming message leads to a positive response from the other person."
"When one partner refuses to talk about a sensitive issue, the other partner is likely to become frustrated and distant as well, and when one person criticizes another, a tit-for-tat pattern of destructive criticism often emerges."
(negative spiral)
I have a negative relational spiral with my younger sister in which my disregard towards her is reciprocated back.
Escalatory Spiral -
a reciprocal communication pattern in which messages, either confirming or disconfirming, between two or more communicators reinforce one another
"One attack leads to another until a skirmish escalates into a full-fledged battle."
Avoidance Spiral -
a communication spiral in which the parties slowly reduce their dependence on one another, withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship
Approaches to Conflict
Styles of Expressing Conflict
Nonassertion
Nonassertion -
the inability or unwillingness to express one's thoughts or feelings
Avoidance
"Putting distance between yourself and a friend after an argument."
(physical avoidance)
"Changing the topic, joking, denying that a problem exists."
(conversational avoidance)
Accommodation
"Accommodators deal with conflict by giving in, thus putting the other's needs ahead of their own."
Indirect Communciation
Indirect Communication -
hinting at message instead of expressing thoughts and feelings directly
"If your guests are staying too long, it's probably kinder to yawn and hint about your big day tomorrow than to bluntly ask them to leave."
Passive Aggression
Passive Agression -
an indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness
1.
Pseudoaccommodators
pretend to agree with you.
"I'll be on time from now on."
(but not actually do it)
I have experienced this in my friendships before.
2.
Guiltmakers
try to make you feel bad.
"I really should studying, but I'll give you a ride."
(makes you feel responsible for their hardship)
3.
Jokers
use humor as a weapon.
"Where's your sense of humor?"
(uses as an excused to say unkind things
and then claim innocence)
4.
Trivial tryrannizers
do small thing to drive you crazy.
5.
Withholders
keep back something valuable.
Direct Aggression
Direct Agression -
a message that attacks the position and perhaps the dignity of the receiver
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"That was a stupid thing to do."
"What's the matter with you?"
"What is it now?"
"I need some peace and quiet."
Assertion
Assertive Communication -
a style of communication that directly expresses the sender's needs, thought, or feelings, delivered in a way that does not attack the receiver
Characteristics of an Assertive Message
1. Describe the behavior in question.
"You asked me to tell you what I really thought about your idea, and then when I gave it you, you told me I was too critical."
2. Share your interpretation of the other person's behavior.
"Maybe you think I don't care because it took me two days to call you back Is that it, or is there something else?"
3. Describe your feelings.
"When you said I was too critical after you asked me for my honest opinion
[behavior]
,
it seemed to me that you really didn't want to hear a critical remark
[interpretation]
,
and I felt stupid for being honest
[feeling]
.
"
4. Describe the consequences.
"When you tease me, I avoid you."
5. State your intentions.
[Where you stand on an issue]:
*
"I want you to know how much this bothers me."*
[Requests of others]:
"I'd like to know whether you're angry."
[Descriptions of how you plan to act in the future]: *
"Don't expect me to lend you anything again."*
"When you said I was too critical after you asked me for my honest opinion
[behavior]
,
it seemed to me that you really didn't want to hear a critical remark
[interpretation]
,
and I felt stupid for being honest
[feeling]
.
Now I'm not so sure whether I should tell you what I'm really thinking the next time you ask
[consequence]
.
I'd like to get it clear right now: Do you really want me to tell you what I think or not
[intention]
?"
Gender and Conflict Style
Origins of Gender Differences
Because women are able to bear only a limited number of children, procreation has favored men who can successfully compete for their attention and demonstrate their superiority to other males. In their traditional role as hunters and providers, men were challenged to be bold, physical risk takers. It may be that men have evolved to be more physical and competitive than women because -- at least in years gone by -- that was an advantage.
Women have traditionally nurtured children. In that role, there is an advantage to creating safe environments, working cooperatively with others, and understanding the nuances of nonverbal communication. This may explain why women are more sensitive to subtle cues and are more aligned to harmony and cooperation than to competition.
Conflict Dilemmas
Women may be judged more harshly than men if they are assertive, but they may be overlooked if they aren't.
"In one study, men and women scored equally well on a set of mathematical challenges, but the men were twice as likely as the women to enter a tournament in which they could compete for cash prizes or raises based on their performance.
Men are typically rewarded for being competitive and assertive.
Commonalities
Although men and women differ on
average,
most of us live somewhere in the middle, where masculine and feminine styles frequently overlap.
"Men and women are roughly the same in terms of how much closeness they desire in relationships and the value they place on sharing ideas and feelings."
Cultural Influences on Conflict
The ways in which people communicate during conflicts vary widely from one culture to another.
Coming from an Asian culture, confrontation is often avoided in conflict, and people rather talk behind backs.
Conflict in Online Communication
Delay
The asynchronous nature of most mediated channels means that communicators aren't obliged to respond immediately.
I have been hurt by people I have been in a relationship with before because of them "ghosting" me.
Disinhibition
The absence of face-to-face contact can make it easy to respond aggressively, without considering the consequences until it's too late.
Permenance
There is a permanent "transcript" that doesn't exist when communicators deal with conflict face to face.
Managing Interpersonal Conflicts
Methods for
Conflict Resolution
Win-Lose
Win-Lose Problem Solving -
an approach to conflict resolution in which one party reaches his or her goal at the expense of the other
"Stop misbehaving,
or I'll send you to your room."
"Follow the rules,
or we'll lock you up."
Lose-Lose
Lose-Lose Problem Solving -
an approach to conflict resolution in which neither party achieves its goals
Compromise
Compromise -
an approach to conflict resolution in which both parties attain at least part of what they seek by giving something up
I often seek out for compromise when resolving my conflicts.
Win-Win
Win-Win Problem Solving -
an approach to conflict resolution in which the parties work together to satisfy all their goals
Steps in Win-Win Problem Solving
Step 1: Identify your problem
Step 2: Explore your unmet needs
Step 3: Make a date
Step 4: Describe your problem and needs
Step 5: Check your partner's understanding
Step 6: Solicit your partner's needs
Step 7: Check your understsanding of your partner's needs
1 more item...
What surprised you in the readings?
I guess I never realized that humor can be used as a form of passive aggression towards someone.*
What confused you or made you want to find out more?
I want to know more about the nature of communication climates and its role in bolstering or stagnating interpersonal relationships.
What bothered you?
It bothered to me read about guiltmakers as a type of passive aggressor because I just find that sort of behavior really slimy and not productive at all. Of course, there are situations that serve as exceptions to my disapproval, but that's my general thoughts on it.