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Understanding Interpersonal Communication (Communication Patterns in…
Understanding Interpersonal Communication
Characteristics of Interpersonal Communication
What Makes Communication Interpersonal?
Interpersonal Communication -
two-way interactions between people who are part of a close and irreplaceable relationship in which they treat each other as unique individuals
Mediated Interpersonal Communication
Cyber Relationship -
an affiliation between people who know each other only in the virtual world
I have had a few cyber-friendships before.
Why People Use Communication Technology
Mediated channels enable communication that would not happen otherwise.
Mediated communication can feel nonthreatening.
Online communication can be validating
Electronic communication often has a pause option.
Drawbacks of Online Communication
Phubbing -
a mixture of words phone and snubbing, used to describe episodes in which people pay more attention to their devices than they do to the people around them
I have been both the perpetrator and receiver of this behavior.
Encourages quantity over quality
How We Choose Relational Partners
Evaluating Relational Potential
The person is physically attractive.
We have a lot in common.
We balance each other out.
The person like and appreciates me.
I admire the person's abilities.
The person opens up to me.
I see the person frequently.
The relationship is rewarding.
Social Exchange Theory -
the idea that we seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them
Relationship Reality Check
First impressions can mislead.
Our priorities change.
Perfection can be a turn-off.
It's not all about communication, but it's a lot about communication.
Types of Interpersonal Relationships
Friendship
Types of Friendships
Youthful / Mature
"Preschoolers rarely have enduring friendships."
"In older adulthood, friendships become especially valuable as a means of social support."
Short-Term / Long-Term
Low / High Disclosure
"Self-disclosure is associated with greater levels of intimacy such that only a few confidants are likely to know your deepest secrets."
Doing / Being-Orientated
"Some friends experience closeness "in the doing. That is, they enjoy performing tasks or attending events together and feel closer because of those shared experiences."
"Other friendships are ''being-orientated.' For these friends, the main focus is on being together, and they might get together just to talk or hangout."
I notice that most of my best friendships are all being-orientated.
Low / High Obligation
"There are some friends for whom we would do just about anything. For others, we may feel a lower sense of obligation, both in terms of what we would do for them and how quickly we would do it."
Frequent / Occasional Contact
Same / Other Sex
"Same-sex friendships between men typically involve good-natured competition and focus on tasks and events, whereas female friends tend to treat each other more as equals and to engage in emotional support and self-disclosure."
In-Person / Mediated
"Online-only friendships may carry a greater risk of deception or hostility."
"Face-to-face friends are typically more interdependent than online friends, especially during the early stages of their relationships."
Family Relationships
Family -
a collection of people who share affection and resources and who think of themselves and present themselves as a family
Parents and Children
"If you grew up in a family that emphasizes the role of conversation in problem-solving, evidence suggests that you are most likely to engage in that strategy with others as an adult."
"If the emphasis was on conformity ('a rule is a rule'), you are more likely to think people should follow the rules without questioning them."
Siblings
"Children are likely to feel both intense loyalty and fierce competition with their brothers and sisters to be both loving and antagonistic toward them."
Grandparents and Grandchildren
"Grandparents often have time and inclination to interact with younger members of the family. They can provide loving attention and fun without having to scold or punish, and they can be caring and supportive listeners. It's a positive dynamic both sides can appreciate."
Romantic Relationships
Male and Female Intimacy Styles
Intimacy -
a state of closeness between two (or sometimes more) people, manifested in several ways: physically, intellectually, emotionally, and via shared activities
"Whereas women typically value personal talk, men often demonstrate caring by doing things for their partners and spending time with them."
"Whereas many women think of sex as a way to express intimacy that has already developed, men are more likely to see it as a way to create that intimacy."
Love Languages
Affirming Words
This language includes compliments thanks, and statements that express love and commitment.
Quality Time
Some people show love by completing tasks together, talking, or engaging in some other mutually enjoyable activity.
Acts of Service
People may show love by performing favors such as caring for each other when they are sick, doing the dishes, making meals, and so on.
Physical Touch
Touch is a powerful indicator of intimacy that even an incidental touch can spur interest.
Stages of Romantic Relationships
Developmental Model -
theoretical frameworks based on the idea that communication patterns are different in various stages of interpersonal relationships
Initiating
The initiating stage occurs when people first encounter each other.
Experimenting
People enter the experimental stage when they begin to get acquainted through "small talk."
Intensifying
In this stage, truly interpersonal relationships develop as people begin to express how they feel about each other.
Integrating
In the integration stage, couples begin to take on an identity as a social unit.
Bonding
The bonding stage is likely to involve a wedding, a commitment ceremony, or some other public means of communicating to the world that this is a relationship meant to last.
Differentiating
In the differentiating stage, the emphasis shifts from "how we are alike" to "how we are different."
Circumscribing
In the circumscribing stage, communication decreases significantly in quantity and quality.
Stagnating
If circumscribing continues, the relationship begins to stagnate.
Avoiding
When stagnation becomes too unpleasant, partners distance themselves in more overt ways.
Terminating
Characteristics of this final stage include summary dialogues about where the relationship has gone and the desire to break up.
1. Each stage requires different types of communication.
2. Relational development involves risk and vulnerability.
3. Partners can change the direction a relationship is headed.
Communication Patterns in Relationships
Content and Relational Messages
Content Message -
a message that communicates information about the subject being discussed
Relational Message -
a message that expresses the social relationship between two or more individuals
Affinity -
the degree to which people like or appreciate one another; often expressed nonverbally
A pat on the back,
a friendly smile
Respect -
the degree to which we hold others in esteem
Immediacy -
the degree of interest and attraction we feel toward and communicate to others; usually expressed nonverbally
Control -
the social need to influence others
Metacommunication
Metacommunication -
messages (usually relational) that refer to other messages; communication is about communication
"It sounds like you're angry at me."
"I appreciate how honest you've been."
Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Self-Disclosure -
the process of deliberation revealing information about oneself that is significant and that would not normally be known by others
Models of Self-Disclosure
Social Penetration Model -
a theory that describes how intimacy can be achieved via the
breadth
and
depth
of self-disclosure
Breadth -
the range of topics about which an individual discloses.
Depth -
the level of personal information a person reveals on a particular topic.
Johari Window -
a model that describes the relationship between self-disclosure and self-awareness
Characteristics of Effective Self-Disclosure
1. Is the other person important to you?
2. Is the disclosure appropriate?
3. Is the risk of disclosing reasonable?
4. Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at hand?
5. Is the disclosure reciprocated?
6. Will the effect be constructive?
7. Is the self-disclosure clear and understandable?
Dialectical Perspective of Interpersonal Relationships
Dialectical Model -
the perspective that people in virtually all interpersonal relationships must deal with equally important, simultaneous, and opposing forces such as connection and autonomy, predictability and novelty, and openness versus privacy
Connection / Autonomy
Within ourselves, we are faced with the same sort of contradiction. On one hand we desire intimacy, but we often feel the need to maintain some distance as well.
Openness / Privacy
Along with the need for intimacy, your experience probably shows an equally important need for you to maintain some space between yourself and others.
Predictability / Novelty
Stability is an important need in relationships, but too much predictability can lead to feelings of staleness and boredom.
Strategies for Managing Dialectical Tensions
Denial
"For example, family members might refuse to deal with conflict, ignoring problems or pretending that they agree about everything."
Disorientation
"A couple who discovers soon after the honeymoon that living a 'happily ever after' conflict-free life is impossible might view their marriage as a mistake and seek a divorce."
Selection
For example, relational partners caught between the conflicting desires for stability and novelty may decide that predictability is the 'right' or 'responsible' choice and put aside their longing for excitement.
Alternation
"Friend may spend time apart during week, but reserve weekends for couple time."
Polarization
"One partner might give up nearly all personal interests in the name of togetherness, while the other maintains an equally extreme commitment to being independent."
Segmentation
"For example, a couple might manage the openness-privacy dialectic by sharing almost all their feelings about mutual friends with each other but keeping certain parts of their past romantic histories private."
"Moderation"
"A couple might decide that taking separate vacations is too extreme for them, but they will make room for some alone time while they are travelling together."
Reframing
"Consider relational partners who regard the inevitable challenges of managing dialectical tensions as exciting opportunities to grow instead of as relational problems."
Reaffirmation
People who understand the dialectical perspective can better appreciate several facets of relationship maintenance:
Relationships involve continual change and negotiation.
Partners can be in sync in some ways, but not in others.
Some approaches are more conductive to relational satisfaction.
Lies and Evasions
Altruistic Lies
Altruistic Lies -
deception intended to be unmalicious, or even helpful, to the person to whom it is told
Evasions
Equivocation
Hinting
Concealment
Self-Serving Lies
Self-serving lies involved an omission to know or deliberately misleading another person for one's own benefit.
I admit to doing this before several times in my life.
What surprised you in the readings?
I didn't realize how many dialectical tensions there are to deal with in order to have a successful and fulfilling interpersonal relationship.
What confused you or made you want to find out more?
I want to find out more about the intricacies and forces that transitions a successful interpersonal relationship into an unsuccessful interpersonal relationship.
What bothered you?
It bothered me to read that self-serving lies is a pattern in relationships. But I guess purposeful deception is a telling sign (red flag) of a failing relationship so it is important to be able to recognize it.