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Chapter 5: Listening (Listening and Social Support (Types of supportive…

- - - - advising response: helping response in which he receiver offers suggestions about how the speaker should deal with a problem
      - The person with the problem has requested a evaluation from you
      - Your judgement is genuinely constructive and not designed as a put-down
    - - Analyzing statement: A helping style in which the listeners offers an interpretation of a speaker's message.
      - This analyze is not aim to help others
    - - can help others to think about their problems and understand them more correctly
    - - a response style in which a listener reassures, supports, or distracts the person seeking help
      - Make sure your comforting remarks are sincere.
      - Be sure that the other person can accept your support
    - - using silence and brief statements of encouragement to draw out a speaker
    - - Listening that helps the person speaking hear and think about the words just spoken
- - - - find out the key idea what the speaker is saying
    - - Questioning: an approach in which the receiver overtly seeks additional information from the sender
      - Sincere questions: a question posed with the genuine desire to learn from another person
      - Counterfeit question: a question that is not truly a request for new information
        
        Questions that make statements. Ex: "Are you finally ready to go now?" "You can't be serious about that, right?"
        
        Questions that carry hidden agendas. Ex: "Are you busy this friday night?" which needs you to be free
        
        Questions that seek "correct" answers. Ex:"Do I look ugly?"
        
        Questions that are based on unchecked assumptions. Ex: "Why aren't you listening to me?"
    - - Feedback in which the receiver rewords the speaker's thoughts and feelings
      - Ex: "I'd like to go, but I can't afford it", and you reply:"So if we would find a way to pay for you, you'd be willing to come, is that right?"
      - My own example: "I think the fact that technology changes how we interact." And I reply:" So you think technology have a great influence to the way we communicate with others in old time, is that what you mean?"
    - - At times it is smart to take notes instead of relying on your memory
  - - - Encouraging others to share their thoughts and feelings can take time
    - - People often don't say what's on their minds or in their hearts
      - ex: "Don't apologize, it's not a big deal" which means "I'm angry."
      - My own example: "You shouldn't do that, but I can understand why you did that." which means "You better not do it again."
    - - You can strengthen relationships simply by encouraging others to say more
  - - - The principle of listening fro information before evaluating seems almost too obvious to mention
    - - People blame the speaker for bringing in unpleasant messages
    - - Sometimes it is profitable to search for values in tedious messages
  - - - Same offer from the people you trust and don't trust might came out to be totally different
      - Is the speaker competent? Does the speaker have the experience or knowledge?
      - Is the speaker initial? People who have a personal stake in the outcome of a topic are more likely to be biased
    - - Sometimes emotional alone might be enough reason to persuade you
- - - - Step1 after listening: attending-- the act of paying attention to a signal
      - Step2: understanding--the process of making sense of a message
        
        The best entrepreneurs know when it is tie to shut up and listen to the people around them
        
        Listening fidelity: the degree of congruence between what a listener understands and what a message sender was attempting to communicate.
      - Step3: Responding: providing observable feedback to another person's behavior or speech
        
        helps you to clearify your understanding of a speaker's message
        
        shows that you care about what that speaker is saying
      - Step4: Remembering: the act of recalling previously introduced information. Recall drops off in two phases: short term and long term
        
        Residual message: the part of a message a receiver can recall after a short- and long-term memory loss
- - - - The amount of information we receive everyday makes careful listening to everything impossible
    - - We can listen 600 words per minute but an average person speaks at the speed of 100-140 word per minutes, thus we often daydream to fill up the rest of the words
    - - we are often wrapped up in personal concerns that are of more immediate importance to us than the messages others are sending
    - - Traffic noise, music, other's speech
    - - not being to hear other clearly irritates them
    - - Americans prefer listeners who ask questions and make supportive comments
      - Iranians tend to judge people's listening skills base on more subtle indicators
    - - Contemporary mass media such as television and radio, where informations are interweave but advertisements
  - - - Pseudolistening: is an imitation of the real thing
      - nodding at the right time, and maybe answer occasionally, but those are just a facade to mask thoughts that have nothing to do with what the speaker is saying
    - - Selective Listener: Who respond only to the part they are interested in
    - - Defensive listeners: perceive that they are attacked even when they aren't
      - Ambushing: some are even worse that they listen carefully but for gathering informations to attack on the speaker
    - - Insulated listeners: a style in which the receiver avoids the undesirable information
    - - Insensitive listeners: tends to take remarks literally rather than looking below the surface
    - - Controversial narcissists focus on themselves and their interests instead of listening to and encouraging others
      - Stage hog: people who are overly invested in being the center of attention
    - - a good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he [or she] gets to know everything