résumer gottman baby make three
1 we're all in the same soup
2 delight in responding to your baby
3 cool down your conflict
accepte influence : there are two side to every fight
calm down by self-soothing
compromise
the importance of repair
the aftermath of a fight : process an understand it
processing a fight : deepening your understanding
unsolvable problems : move form gridlock to dialogue
savoring your friendship
4 sex life.
bake the bread of legacy
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divers
les bb ont besoins d'avoir des parents qui répondent à leurs besoins, qui les calmes quand ils sont en colères/peur, qui jouent avec eux avec enthousiasme. Mais quand les parents se sentent seul, déprimé, fatigué, ils répondent moins aux bb, leurs pleurs les irritent. Le plus grand cadeaux que des parents puissent faire à leurs enfants, c'est de s'aimer, par ce que la relation des partens nourrira le dvlmpt de l'enfant.
heat up sex life
a prévoir
Even though both parents are working much harder, they both feel unappreciated.
• During the first year after babies arrive, the frequency and intensity of relationship conflicts increase.
• It is normal for a mom’s sexual desire to drop precipitously after birth and even stay low for the first year, especially if she is nursing. Consequently, sex declines dramatically. • Moms usually become very involved with their babies. But due to their fatigue, they have less to
• Both moms and dads undergo major changes in their own identities—for example, how they think of themselves not only as parents and partners, but also as friends, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters. Their values may change, and their goals in life, too. • Moms and dads often want to be better at parenting than their own parents were with them. • Many couples change their relationship with time. They start to date events as “Before Baby” and “After Baby.” Most important is when Baby did something for the first time. • Right after the baby is born, many women close to new moms arrive to help out. But this society of women can crowd out the new dads. Dads often respond by withdrawing from their babies and working more, especially if there’s more conflict at home.
• Babies withdraw emotionally from fathers who are unhappy with their relationship with their partners. But babies don’t withdraw from unhappy moms. This withdrawal from dads can be tragic for babies. If this is all that happened after we had babies, our birthrate might also precipitously decline. Fortunately, this isn’t the whole story. Having a baby means experiencing those moments when our baby grabs our thumb and holds on for dear life. When we look at our baby’s toes and they look like peas. And a month later, the toes grow and they look like string beans. Those moments when our baby’s mouth curls up and she gives us her first smile. Or when he gurgles and laughs. Or when we gaze at each other as Baby falls softly asleep between us. Or when Baby flashes the world a grin from atop our shoulders. There’s nothing better than taking our baby for a stroll on a warm summer’s day. Or playing with a toy and watching our baby laugh. Maybe the problem is that we have unrealistic expectations about what will happen after baby arrives. Dads expect that when babies come, moms will finally be happy, especially with them. New moms will feel fulfilled as women and see their husbands as manly and potent. They’ll get turned on more easily and want to make love all the time. Meanwhile, moms expect that their men will finally open up emotionally and be more sensitive and loving. Their husbands will want to spend hours and hours just cuddling and listening to them. And they’ll want to play with their babies, take care of their babies, and be close as a family all the time. So the first straw may look like this: She’ll want to be held, but he’ll want to put on the game; and later on, when he wants sex, she’ll be tired and want to sleep. But there must be some way to navigate this transition into parenthood smoothly.
But during this transition time, it’s crucial for husbands and wives to find the time to talk, to stay attuned to one another, and to reach out to one another. Sexual intimacy arises from emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy comes from partners making the effort to find each other through the maze of duties to perform. When partners feel cherished and appreciated, affection comes naturally. It’s no longer the last chore of the day. Then romance and passion can reawaken.
Each of us represents the family we’ve come from. And each of our families embodies a culture, that unique set of symbols, values, and rituals. When we become partners and new parents together, we merge not only our families but those cultures as well, and so we create a new culture together.
Gottman Phd, John. And Baby Makes Three (p. 27). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Édition du Kindle.
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The greatest gift you can give your baby
is a happy and strong
relationship between the two of you
For example, the blood pressures of babies rise when they witness or overhear their parents fighting.
We couples are all in the same soup when a new baby arrives. The challenges, the stresses, the strong emotions, the hassles, the work, and the joys, too, are what we all get. But we can choose to either cope well with the challenges, or not. We won’t eliminate the stresses. They’re a natural part of becoming parents. But the good news is that we can stop thinking they are the fault of our partners, or the results of a bad relationship. By increasing that awareness and learning the ingredients for keeping our relationships healthy, we can nourish our babies with sweet food, and not sour milk.
This isn’t just reflex, like a quick smile. Babies imitate the adult’s internal experience, too, by re-creating the same physiological arousal pattern inside their bodies. This means babies are replicating the internal state of the adult. And in the first minutes after birth, if someone supports Baby’s head, Baby will turn his or her head toward Mom’s voice 100 percent of the time, and toward Dad’s voice 80 percent of the time, rather than toward the doctor’s voice. Within minutes, babies know where their bread is buttered!
Studies also demonstrate how competent we are as parents instinctively, despite our worries. For example, intuitively we play with babies in a very special way. We raise our pitch when we talk and accentuate our words: “Niiiice babieee, prettieee babieee, what do you seeeeee, Babieee?” Babies love this, because higher pitch is easier to hear, and exaggerated enunciation teaches them sounds and words. We also take turns with babies in face-to-face play, doing a delicate, intricate dance. And our games evolve over time, unfolding new leaves of complexity as they change. Of all the faces we make, there are five that most intrigue babies when we’re face-to-face. First, our mock-surprise face: We open our eyes wide, raise our eyebrows, open our mouths, and … hold it. We say something like “Ahhhh-hhhh,” with our pitch going up. Second, our smile: We give a big, broad, genuine grin that crinkles our eyes at the corners. Third, our frown: We lower our brows, draw them together, and say something like “Aaooohhh,” lowering our pitch at the end of the “ooohhh” part. Fourth, we make the “Oh, poor baby” empathy face that combines mock surprise with a frown. And fifth, we just look neutral. Babies love these faces. On the other hand, babies hate a stonelike face.
There are two things that are very different about children, compared to adults. First, children are on a very different time scale than adults. Everything happens more slowly for children. They need time to react, time to process what is going on. When Mom sticks her tongue out at her newborn, Baby will respond by imitating the expression. But Mom may have to wait as long as forty seconds to see that little tongue point out. Usually, we’re too busy to notice Baby’s responses to us. We have to downshift to first before playtime. If we turn off the phone, turn off the TV, and slow way, way down, it will enhance our lives, and Baby’s, too. Second, kids are much better than us at being in the moment, fully engaged and present. Unlike us, their attention is not in ten different places at once. They’re not planning their shopping list. They don’t need an agenda. There’s no task to accomplish. They’re not even building their résumé. They’re with us, right now. If we can put on the brakes, stop multitasking, and just enjoy our babies, imagine the pleasure. And our babies will love it, too. They’ll feel seen by us, because we’ll have taken the time to know them.
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We reassure parents that when a baby cries, it’s simply sending out an SOS. If we ignore our baby’s crying, we are teaching our baby that the world is a place that won’t respond to his message. We cannot spoil a baby by responding to him. Our emotional availability and responsiveness to his emotional cues are the most effective ways of creating independence and resilience in him.
Field developed infant massage techniques after she had a premature child. In her day, parents were forbidden to touch their prematurely born babies. Born tiny and kept in a plastic incubator, they looked as if they’d break if touched. But Field instinctively knew better, and proved it later in her research. She showed that when parents were taught infant massage techniques and massaged their babies for just fifteen minutes a day, the babies’ body weight increased 47 percent in ten days. Babies with no massage gained weight much more slowly. Massaged preemies were also able to leave the hospital sooner, were healthier, and were more closely bonded with their parents than nonmassaged babies. Over ninety studies have been conducted to date, and they all demonstrate the benefits of massage for children. It is remarkable to see a baby being massaged. The baby is like a cat, purring, happy, and relaxed. Another vital way of connecting emotionally with Baby is through face-to-face play.
THE IMPORTANCE OF FACE-TO-FACE PLAY WITH YOUR BABY
One of the best lessons babies learn in face-to-face play with us is that the world (and we are the baby’s world at that moment) will respond and not ignore their wishes. We can do our best parenting if we: Stay emotionally warm and available. Stay responsive to our baby’s cues. Because of their immature nervous systems, it’s easy for babies to become too stimulated. They’re like sensitive antennae. With too many signals, they’ll just hear static. And we all know how aversive that is. At those times,
babies try to tune out the stimulation they’re getting, so they can reset their dials and tune in again. They may turn their heads away from us, not because they dislike us, but because they need to withdraw in order to calm down. After a while, they normally turn back toward us. They may also try to soothe themselves by sucking on something, like their hand or a toy. Through tuning in, and then tuning out or self-soothing, they attempt to regulate their response to stimuli. Babies also need our support to self-regulate. So what happens when we don’t respect our baby’s looking away and we try to force her to stay tuned in to us? We rob our baby of one of the main ways she has for calming down.
Studies also show that depressed people have more brain-wave activity in the right frontal lobe of the brain. They process everyday experience with “withdrawal” emotions. In contrast, nondepressed people have more brain-wave activity in the left frontal lobe, and they involve themselves more in the world. The message here is profound: how we answer our baby’s cries and how we also play with her is cementing in place Baby’s attitude toward her future world. Ignore our baby now and it’s likely she’ll learn to withdraw later, perhaps into a cocoon of depression. Respond to Baby now and she’ll most likely stay engaged with her world. In our longitudinal research, we discovered that face-to-face play with Baby affects Baby’s later response to the world, too. When both parents are simpatico in their play, Baby has the most fun, and so do we parents. This play predicts a positive outcome for Baby. On the other hand, there are two pokers that can pop Baby’s balloon and ruin her fun—and ours. The first is uncoordinated play between parents. When we parents compete for Baby’s attention instead of joining together to play the same game, Baby seems to hate it. One parent may suddenly withdraw from the play, or swoop in and cut off the other parent. In response, Baby may arch her back, frown, cry, or, in baby language, seem to yell, “This is messing me up. Knock it off!” The second balloon buster for Baby is being overstimulated. When we parents are ignoring Baby’s cues that say, “No! I don’t want to do this!” Baby may signal this subtly at first, but if she’s ignored, she’ll turn up the volume. If “No” still doesn’t work, she’ll just plain withdraw. That’s not good. We’ve lost connection with Baby.
SIGNALS THAT BABY IS OVERSTIMULATED As we watched babies playing with their parents, we witnessed how babies say to their parents, “Give me a break for a minute or two!” Here are the signals they give when they need to self-soothe.
Gottman Phd, John. And Baby Makes Three (p. 44). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Édition du Kindle.
LOOKING AWAY. This signal can be very clear, with the baby turning her head away, or it can be simply looking from our face to our less-stimulating shirt.
SHIELDING FACE WITH HANDS. Babies will put their hands in front of their face and look like they are trying to shield themselves.
PUSHING AWAY. When the baby is more coordinated, he may push a toy or other object away to show that he doesn’t want to play with it.
CLEARLY WRINKLED FOREHEAD. When the medial (middle, above the nose) portion of a baby’s forehead is bunched up (that is as much wrinkling as is possible with all the baby fat in the face), it means she is getting upset, often because she is overstimulated. The forehead makes the baby look like she is sad, or angry. However, when the baby’s forehead gets only slightly wrinkled, as though there is a butterfly on her forehead, this is usually not a negative sign and means she is concentrating.
ARCHING THE BACK. One sign that a baby is upset is that she arches her back and tenses her body.
FUSSING. The baby’s voice starts what seems like the beginning of crying and protesting.
SHOWING A MIXTURE OF EMOTION, such as the baby’s expression going back and forth between joy and fear.
• CRYING. There are levels of upset in the crying of babies. The baby may eventually build up to a cry in which there is about a second of “winding up” intake of breath. Then the baby really hauls off and lets out a cry that is loud, shrill, and painful to hear. This is called a Valsalva cry. In a Valsalva cry, the lungs are working against a resistance, like when we blow up a stiff balloon, or lift a heavy weight. It is very stressful for the baby. For example, the baby’s blood pressure will increase, and the number of white blood cells in the baby’s blood will increase.
WHAT TO DO: REPAIRING OVERSTIMULATION Overstimulation is not always bad for our baby. In fact, it’s one way that our baby “stretches” emotionally and cognitively, increasing her range of comfort and creating more complex mental structures. But, in general, we should try to be sensitive when our babies are overstimulated. The key to repairing our interaction with our baby is to be calm and let the baby take the break he or she needs. Once Baby is calm and looks ready to engage, we can gently call her attention back to us and resume our interaction. To repair the interaction, we need to back off, let our baby look away, and see if she can self-soothe. If Baby hasn’t developed this skill yet, we can give her a helping hand (literally) by giving her something to suck, like our finger or a pacifier. We can also pick up Baby and hold her against the left side of our chest, where Baby can hear our heart. We can gently rock Baby and speak or sing softly to her. All of these will help Baby to be soothed, teach her in turn how to self-soothe, and show her that those in her world care about her. In sum, here’s what we can do.
STAY CALM. When we are calm, and are talking calmly and acting calmly, it helps the baby to calm herself.
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LET THE BABY SUCK ON SOMETHING.
HOLD OUR BABY CLOSE. Touch the baby soothingly.
SOFTEN OUR VOICE (while the baby recovers).
TRY IMITATING BABY. Doing exactly what Baby is doing will fascinate her.
ATTUNEMENT. Here’s a twist on imitation. Babies love it when we imitate them in a different way than they are acting. For example, if Baby is banging a spoon in a rhythm, we can imitate that rhythm with our voice. This will really catch Baby’s interest.
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• BABY LOOKS BACK AT US OR THE TOY WE ARE PLAYING WITH (this is a clear signal from a baby).
CALM FACE AND BREATHING. When Baby has been able to calm his or her face and appears to be breathing fairly normally, he may be ready to be gently invited back to the play.
• RELAXED BODY. Baby’s body has relaxed.
THINGS NOT TO DO When we realize that our baby is getting fussy or looking away, we’re tempted to just try harder by changing the game or increasing the intensity of the play. Unfortunately, our babies usually dislike this—it overstimulates them even more. The classic mistakes we parents can make are included in the following list. Remember now, it is not a tragedy if we find ourselves doing these things. It just means it’s repair time. Here are the “don’ts.”
THINGS NOT TO DO When we realize that our baby is getting fussy or looking away, we’re tempted to just try harder by changing the game or increasing the intensity of the play. Unfortunately, our babies usually dislike this—it overstimulates them even more. The classic mistakes we parents can make are included in the following list. Remember now, it is not a tragedy if we find ourselves doing these things. It just means it’s repair time. Here are the “don’ts.”
DON’T move your face in front of the baby’s face wherever she moves her head (this does not allow the baby to look away and take the break she needs).
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DON’T move your face too close to your baby’s face, such that it is difficult for her to look away.
DON’T increase the pace of play or increase stimulation after your baby has given you a signal that she is overstimulated.
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DON’T switch back and forth between activities quickly after your baby has given you a signal that she is overstimulated (such as going quickly from a peekaboo game to a zooming game to a song with actions).
DON’T physically move the baby’s torso so that she is looking at you. Again, this doesn’t allow the baby to look away and calm down, and babies usually don’t like being physically constrained.
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DON’T stimulate the baby further by doing things like poking her or repeatedly wiping her mouth. Our mouths have a great many nerves in them, and stimulation of the mouth is especially arousing to a baby.
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Babies and young children are completely fascinated by play. Play is an adventure. It isn’t a chore. There is nothing to accomplish. It unfolds over time, and there is no right way to play. It is OK for us to be silly, to sing, to dance, to make funny mouth sounds, to touch and caress our baby, to blow spit bubbles, to tickle, to play peekaboo and “I’m gonna get you,” to make blowing kissing sounds on Baby’s tummy, and anything else. The great news is that we parents don’t have to be perfect. Good-enough parenting is terrific! In fact, playing with a baby is a lot like the sport of baseball. A great batting average in baseball is .300, which means the batter is actually making an out 70 percent of the time. In communication between moms and babies, psychologist Edward Tronick found that in play between three-month-old babies and their moms, miscoordination happened 70 percent of the time. Just like baseball! The moms who noticed the miscoordination and tried to repair it had babies that at one year old were happy and securely attached to them. So the key is repair. We can do our best, and then make repairs when we blow it. Remember, the most powerful things we can do as parents are: Stay warm and emotionally available. Stay responsive to Baby’s cues.
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Like 21 percent of our couples, these folks are duking it out over how they fight, not what they’re fighting about. Most of us have this kind of fight.
So, in our lab, we identified the process of the fight as the number one issue. But what really intrigued us was how the masters of the transition to parenthood managed their conflicts. Somehow they fought over the same issues, but differently. They were gentler, funnier, and kinder. Even though they might explode with anger, their words were less like knives and more like declarations of their rights. Let’s imagine a replay of the previous couple if they’d been like our master couples.
There’s one caveat, however, that we need to add. It’s important that our babies not witness our fights. As we’ve seen, babies are profoundly affected by our fights in front of them, especially if those fights are savage. The last thing we want is to hurt our babies. So right off, here’s a remedy. Have a problem-solving meeting time. We shouldn’t bring up issues if we think they’ll lead to World War III. We need to talk about those privately. Some of our masters have weekly meeting times when the complaints and big issues come out. It works best if we each bring up one issue, not the long litany. Don’t discuss problems at mealtime. Fights during meals give us indigestion. And they may give our kids eating disorders later. We can talk about a minor disagreement in front of our kids once they are about four years old. But they need to see us resolve the problem, too. It they’re between four and eight years old, they love to see us hug or kiss after a squabble. Other endings won’t make as much sense to them. We can also say a few words to explain what just happened. For example: “Bobby, can we tell you what just happened? We got angry at each other, but then we talked about it. I listened to Mommy’s feelings, and she listened to mine. That way, we could understand each other. Then we could work it out and make peace again.” If we slip up and a bad fight happens in front of the kids, more repairs are needed. Babies need to be comforted and held. If at all possible, holding the baby between us both is best, but only if there’s peace between us. If there’s still some tension, one of us needs to take the baby aside for cuddling while our partner gets some space.
SOFTENED START-UP
CRITICISM is a way of complaining that globally attacks our partner’s personality by pointing out his or her defects. When words like “lazy,” “slob,” “thoughtless,” or “careless” pop up in our vocabulary, we know we’re being critical. More subtle criticisms are phrases like “You never” or “You always.” When we utter “always” or “never” about our partner, we’re most likely enumerating our partner’s inadequacies; for example, “You never clean up” means “You’re such a slob.” The antidote to criticism is to make a complaint—to state our feelings and describe the situation neutrally, using words like “I’m upset that the garbage hasn’t been taken out,” instead of “You’re too lazy to take out the garbage.” Or, “I’m disappointed that we couldn’t have dinner together,” instead of “You’re always late. Every time, you ruin our dinner together.”
DEFENSIVENESS is what we want to toss back when we feel criticized. When we perceive an attack, it’s only natural to raise our arms to try to ward off our attacker. We can defend ourselves by (1) attacking back (“Well, so what if I’m late. You’re a lousy cook”); (2) proclaiming our innocence (“I’m almost never late”); (3) being righteously indignant (“How dare you say I’m late—it’s only three minutes past six”); or (4) whining like a victim (“I couldn’t help it. My boss kept me late”). With phrases like these, we hide out and cover up that we have any responsibility for our problems. But in reality, the old adage “It takes two …” is true, and most of the time we’re in there creating the problems we have, too. So the antidote to defensiveness is to openly acknowledge our part in messing things up. It’s as simple as saying, “Sorry, I am a few minutes late, aren’t I?” But this is hard, too. We don’t want to admit that we can do wrong. Unfortunately, most of us don’t wear halos. We’re human, and we make mistakes—better that we admit them and make peace than deny them and make war.
CONTEMPT is our strongest predictor of divorce. When we’re contemptuous, we sling criticism down on our partner from the pinnacle of our own superiority. Therefore, contempt is the epitome of disrespect. When we yell out insults, “graciously” give a condescending lecture, or call our partners bad names, we’re being contemptuous. At its worst, contempt is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse destroys not only our relationships, but self-esteem and even the immune system of our partners. Examples range from pithy phrases like “You disgust me” to “You asshole.” Moderate contempt is a bit more subtle, like “How will you make it up to me for always being late?” Words like these destroy relationships, too—it just may take longer. But contempt doesn’t have to involve words. There’s also a cross-cultural facial expression of contempt that was discovered by researcher Dr. Paul Ekman. When we raise just the left corner of our mouth and create an unflattering dimple on the left side of our face, that’s contempt. Also, if we roll our eyes, that’s more contempt. In our research, we found that a husband’s contempt predicts more frequent illness in his wife over the next four years. Contempt
is toxic, indeed. What’s the alternative? The antidote for contempt is to express our appreciation and respect for each other, to each other, in small ways, every day. How often do we say, “Thanks for doing the dishes,” or “I love how you look when you’re nursing Annie”? It’s words like these that we need to say, often. They shouldn’t stay bottled up inside us. Admiration and fondness, when they are outwardly expressed, go a long way toward creating a culture of appreciation in our homes—that’s the antidote for contempt.
• STONEWALLING is the last of the Four Horsemen, and it means exactly what it sounds like. When we dislike what our partner is saying, we become like a stone wall and we give no response whatsoever. There are no “Uh-huhs,” “I see’s,” or “Wows”—that is, our usual words of feedback. We don’t move our face or even look at our partner, except to see whether the ogre has magically disappeared yet. In studying heterosexual relationships, we found that 85 percent of our stonewallers are men. Our studies also revealed that when people stonewall, their pulses are typically racing at over a hundred beats per minute … while they’re just sitting down and talking. That’s physiologically very uncomfortable, like having the brake pedal and the accelerator floored at the same time. We reasoned that when we stonewall, we’re attempting to eliminate all incoming stimuli (like our partner’s voice) so that we can calm ourselves down. But the problem is that stonewalling drives our partners crazy. They feel shut out and want to reinvolve us. So they verbally or physically pursue us, which only overwhelms us more. The antidote to stonewalling? If we get too overwhelmed, we need to take responsibility for our bodies’ condition by taking a break, soothing ourselves, and making sure we come back to our partners within a reasonable time period. In this way, we can continue to talk to our partners more calmly in order to stay tuned in to them. Better yet, we can try to stay calm in the first place. Focusing on our breathing when we begin to get upset can be a big help. Finally, to counteract stonewalling, we can signal to our partners that we hear them, even if we only nod our heads or gaze into their eyes. These gestures reassure our partners that even if we don’t agree, we’re at least still there and wanting to listen.
With these Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and their antidotes in mind, let’s see how to bring up an issue using gentle start-up. The masters of the transition to parenthood follow three steps: First, they say what they feel. Second, they state what their feelings are about by describing the problem neutrally. And third, they express what they need. They can also be polite and sometimes appreciative. In sum, the three elements of gentle start-up are: Say what you feel. Describe the problem neutrally, with no blame. Say what you need (not what you don’t need).
With these Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and their antidotes in mind, let’s see how to bring up an issue using gentle start-up. The masters of the transition to parenthood follow three steps: First, they say what they feel. Second, they state what their feelings are about by describing the problem neutrally. And third, they express what they need. They can also be polite and sometimes appreciative. In sum, the three elements of gentle start-up are: Say what you feel. Describe the problem neutrally, with no blame. Say what you need (not what you don’t need).
Let’s imagine that we’ve just had an argument. Our partner forgot to pick up the tickets for a concert we’re supposed to attend tonight. We’re mad at him and we say so, but with harsh start-up. He yells back in self-defense, then retreats to another room. We both wind up nursing hurt feelings. Neither one of us is blameless, but when later we review what just happened, we both see ourselves as the victim of our partner’s actions and mostly innocent of any wrongdoing. It is very human to be much more forgiving of ourselves than our partners. Psychologist Fritz Heider called this “the fundamental attribution error.” Translated, it means that it’s human nature to think, “I’m OK; you’re defective,” and it leads to “I’m right; you’re wrong.”
Postpone persuasion
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So each party’s job was to first ask questions in order to understand the other party’s point of view, and then to restate it. Of course, the other party’s viewpoint initially made no sense. But when more questions were asked, the clouds gradually cleared. There was more understanding. Rapoport found that when both parties delayed persuasion until after there was understanding, both sides became more reasonable and less defensive. Also, they both felt
rejection. So, during a conflict, instead of saying, “Here. Take this rebuttal!” and being met with “Oh, yeah? Take that rebuttal!” we need to ask an open-ended question, like “What makes that so important to you?” or “Can you help me to understand this better?”
What he meant by that was what one of our clients called “giving our partner the benefit of the doubt.” Rapoport said that we need to assume that our partner doesn’t possess all the negative traits in this discussion, nor that we possess all the positive traits. Rapoport suggested that if we find ourselves attributing a negative quality to only our partner, we should try to also see some of this same negative quality in ourselves.
What do you feel about this? What do you think about this? What makes this so important to you? What’s the worst part about this for you? Is there something you’re afraid of here, and if so, what is it? What is it that you value here?
Now, there’s one more step before persuasion can begin: We also need to validate our partner’s point of view. Essentially, this means acknowledging that our partners have a right to feel the way they do. In short, we need to say that their viewpoint makes sense to us, even if it’s different from our own. We haven’t lost our own reality; we’re just stepping into our partner’s shoes for a moment. It’s as simple as saying, “I get it,” or “Good point.” This helps our partners feel understood … and respected. If you have trouble with this, try completing the sentence “Your views make sense to me because …” Validating involves not just knowing what our partner is feeling, or feeling some of what our partner is feeling, but being able to see the world (on this issue) from our partner’s eyes, to see why it makes some sense to have those feelings. Communicating all this is real validation. Combining these concepts together—acknowledging that there are two sides to every fight, restating our partner’s point of view to our partner’s satisfaction, and validating our partner’s point of view—yields one of the most important ingredients in managing conflict: accepting influence from our partner. When we accept our partner’s influence during a discussion, we are honoring our partner as someone who is intelligent, thoughtful, and well intentioned. Who can resist feeling so respected? Accepting influence is a great aphrodisiac.
To make this as constructive as possible, the speaker can talk about what he or she needs (not what he or she does not need). That could mean transforming a complaint into your own longing and into your need. Then ask for what you need, and explain why this need is so important to you.
TAKE BREAKS AND SELF-SOOTHE We discovered the power of taking a break one day during a pilot study in our lab. We were researching what would happen to heart rates in couples after they’d argued, escalated, and flown into DPA, and we decided to do a little experiment. We told each of our couples, fictitiously, that our equipment had broken down and they’d need to wait a bit before continuing their discussion. We asked them to please stop talking until the equipment was repaired, and we kindly provided them with various magazines to read. We were actually monitoring their heart rates. After their heart rates resumed a normal pace, we declared the equipment all fixed, and asked them to resume their conversation. Lo and behold, in most cases, the conversations changed completely. For many couples, it was as if they’d just had a brain transplant. The warriors had stepped out of the room and the peacemakers had returned. The couples had become much more reasonable, flexible, collaborative, and even kind with one another. We’d stumbled onto a secret. The only thing required was for a couple to take a break, just long enough to get those heart rates down. Then the partners could discuss a problem with equanimity—and without DPA wreaking havoc.
A break should last at least half an hour, and at most a day.
The best thoughts for us are self-soothing ones. The ideal is to remember that our partner is basically a good person, and so are we. We do not have the corner on all the positive human traits, nor does our partner have the corner on all the negative human traits. Our partner can figure out what they’re responsible for in this conflict; we don’t need to do it for them. We do need to sort out our part in it. That means focusing on what we’ve said or done that has contributed to the fight. It also helps to think about what we do need from our partner, not what we don’t need. For example, it won’t work to come back and say, “Dear, I need you to never speak in that tone to me again.” We’ll sound condescending and critical. But we can say, “Dear, I need you to speak to me gently and quietly. That works best for me.” We have a much better chance of being heard with “dos” rather than “don’ts.”
When we watched the masters of the transition to parenthood work on solving their problems, there was a trick to it. First, they talked about the core of the issue for each one personally—what they each needed, what they could not yield on. They defined that territory carefully, but also made it as small as possible. Then, feeling safer, they defined what they were flexible about—the parts of the issue that weren’t so central to them. Then they felt safe enough to compromise, because their core beliefs were accepted and protected. We call this method the two-circle method of compromise.
First, define the smallest, most minimal core area of need each of you cannot yield on. What is your core need here? That will make you feel safe and change the win-lose situation to a win-win situation. Define what you need, what you have to have. Second, define areas of greater flexibility. This can be when or how you and your partner get what you each need. Third, come up with a temporary compromise. There are different levels of compromise. Talk about what you can and cannot do on this issue in terms of respecting your spouse’s position right now. Getting to Understanding. Getting stuck? Ask one another these questions: How can we each provide emotional support on this issue? Do you understand why your partner’s core areas are so important to him or her? If not, politely say, “Please help me understand what you need and why.” What do we agree about? What goals do we each have? Can we develop a common view here? How do I better honor your need here? What common ground can we identify? What are our common feelings, or the most important feelings here? What common goals can we have here? How can we understand this situation, this issue? How do we think these goals should be accomplished? What are my areas of flexibility? Can I yield on how fast things happen? Or the extent to which it happens, or the cost, and so on? Divide Each of Your Positions Into Two Areas: Write these down after the following statements.
Jake complained that Janice’s parents were planning to visit for three weeks after their baby’s birth next month. Janice bristled, “What’s wrong with their coming that soon? I’ll need all the help I can get.” “But I’ll be there to help you.” “You’re not enough.” Jake’s hackles went up. “Thanks a lot!” Janice realized her mistake. Backing down, she said, “Oops, I didn’t mean that. I know we’re a great team, and you’re terrific.” Jake softened. “You’re right, and thanks for repairing.” “You’re welcome … Now, about their visiting …” When Janice recognized that she’d insulted Jake, she quickly changed course, reassuring him that she respected and appreciated him and knew they’d be a great team together after Baby’s arrival. Jake accepted Janice’s repair and thanked her for it, which got them on the right track again.
Potential Repair Statements My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry. I might be wrong here. I really blew that one. Please, let’s stop for a while. Let me try again. That must have really hurt your feelings. I apologize. I was flooded and should have taken a break. Talk to me about what you’re feeling. How can I make this better? I want to be gentler to you right now. Let’s start all over again. I can see my part in all this. Let’s agree to disagree here. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw. Let me start again in a softer way. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I really need to calm down. I really got scared. Can you make things safer for me? Help me to say things more gently. Did I do something wrong? I need your support right now. That hurt my feelings. Just listen to me right now and try to understand. Tell me you love me. I’m feeling sad. Can you please comfort me? Can I have a kiss? I am feeling unappreciated. Please be gentler with me. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that? Please help me calm down. Please don’t lecture me. Please be quiet and listen to me. Let me talk until I say I’m done. I don’t feel like you understand This is important to me. Please listen to me right now. I need to finish what I was saying. Please don’t withdraw. You were starting to convince me, but I interrupted the process. I know this isn’t your fault. I agree with part of what you’re saying. Can we talk again? I realize what my part of this problem is. Let’s compromise here. Let’s find our common ground. Thank you for … I never thought of things that way. I really do think your point of view makes sense. I love you. Let’s work on this. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
“Do you want to talk?” Squaring off, John grumbled, “Do you?” “I think we should.”
PROCESSING THE AFTERMATH OF A FIGHT INSTRUCTIONS. Discuss the last fight you had using the following questions as your guide. Take turns answering each question, but tell your partner your answers rather than circling them. Alternate answering each question. For example, the first question is about what you felt during the fight. Read aloud the feelings on the list that were true for you. Next, listen to your partner’s feelings from the list. Then go on to the next question. When it comes to admitting your role, be sure you’re calm before getting started so you can avoid getting back into the fight. If the fight erupts again, stop, take a thirty-minute break, self-soothe, and then try again, taking up where you left off.
1) Describe the Feelings You Had During the Fight Read over the list of negative and positive feelings below and state aloud which feelings you had while your partner listens. Don’t explain why you had those feelings—just name them. Then trade roles and listen while your partner does the same.
Negative Feelings I felt defensive. During the argument my feelings got hurt. I felt excluded. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt misunderstood. I felt criticized. I felt like my partner didn’t even like me. I was afraid. I was worried. I felt I was right and my partner was wrong. I felt out of control. I felt righteously indignant. I felt unfairly picked on. I felt unappreciated. I felt unattractive. I felt neglected. I felt disgusted. I was disapproving. I was morally outraged. I felt taken for granted. I felt like leaving. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt powerless. I felt like I had no influence. I felt like my opinions didn’t even matter. I had no feelings at all. I had no idea what I was feeling.
Positive Feelings I felt calm. I felt loved. I felt appreciated. I felt respected. I felt happy. I felt powerful. I felt loving. I felt kind. I felt in control. I felt like we were making progress. I felt connected to my partner. I felt optimistic.
2) Next, summarize your own point of view in this argument while your partner listens. Then listen while your partner does the same. Avoid blaming your partner, disagreeing with your partner, or getting back into the fight. Instead, step into your partner’s shoes and try to see how your partner’s point of view might make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Now, communicate your understanding in words to your partner
3) Admit Your Role in the Fight To stop being defensive, attacking, or critical, you need to first understand your part in creating this fight. Like all of us, you’d like to think that this fight is all your partner’s fault. But usually it isn’t; on the other hand, it isn’t all your fault, either. Instead, you’ve both created a cycle, a dynamic between you in which you’ve each played a role. But it’s too critical to tell your partner what he or she has done wrong. It works much better to admit your own role, even if it’s a small one.
4) how can you make it better in the futur ?
We know that when we choose a partner, we’re also selecting our relationship issues for, hopefully, the next fifty years.
Become a “Dream Detective”
Allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue. This will help you to understand the ways in which you feel that these wishes are not being addressed in your relationship.
Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame
If it helps, write out such an explanation beforehand, focusing on what the two of you need or want out of the area of disagreement. Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!
Soothe each other
Gridlock is, by definition, stressful. If you feel like you are becoming flooded with emotion, or incapable of productive conversation, take a break either alone or with your partner. There’s no rush. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, “if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”
Accept that some problems are unsolvable
Unfortunately, it is practically impossible to entirely resolve such a gridlocked conflict immediately. As per Dr. Gottman’s humorous observation, “your purpose is not to solve the conflict – it will probably never go away completely… instead the goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.” Here are a few steps that you can take to arrive at a temporary peace settlement in these treacherous lands:
Define the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on.
Define your areas of flexibility.
Devise a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.
different problems
Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind the each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.
Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.
Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially calcified into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.
how to recognise it
The conflict leaves you feeling rejected by your partner.
No matter how much you talk about it, you feel thwarted. Despite your best attempts, you are making absolutely no headway in the problem area.
You become so impossibly entrenched in your positions that neither you nor your partner plan to budge.
Anytime the subject comes up, you invariably feel frustrated and hurt.
Your conversations about the problem are unpleasant as can be, entirely devoid of humor, amusement, or expressions of affection.
Your inability to budge increases with the passage of time, leading the two of you to vilify each other when this conflict arises.
In an infuriating catch-22, the reverse also manages to occur: as you vilify each other, your inability to budge and polarization in your views increases, and your chances of reaching a compromise plummet.
Upon traversing this delightful territory, the two of you end up in the land of total emotional disengagement.
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. Empathize with your partner.
As difficult as it might be, try to ask them details about their point of view. Chances are there is a story behind their desires. Find out their story, listen carefully, and empathize.
- Be respectful.
You don’t have to understand or agree with your partner’s perspective, but it’s important to accept it. Saying “Well, your way of celebrating Christmas is crazy” will alienate your partner and possibly stymie further discussion. Being respectful is your choice of what kind of partner you want to be.
- Make temporary compromises.
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that you don’t need to solve your problem. Chances are you will keep talking about these issues for decades. The trick is to get accustomed to talking to each other in a particular way that allows you to find common ground and to make temporary compromises.
- Recall the honeymoon phase.
Remember when you first met and traded stories over dinner? You laughed together and shared personal details. You weren’t trying to change one another, you were celebrating the new person that you just met. Get back into that mindset this season. When your partner suggests an idea, recall what you may have said during the first few dates and try out saying something similar. Here’s an example: “Really? That’s interesting. Tell me more.”
what's make that so important to you ? What's the story behind it ?
what's does that mean to you when...
i leave my clothes on the ground
i forgot X...
Building and maintening friendship
buildinf love map
express affection, admiration and appreciation
turning toward another, not away
use open ended question to realy know the others
everyday
you're terrific
i love you
thank's
many a little make a lot
every 6 month, in the restaurant ?
these 3 (turning toward, building love map, expressing affection) give good point. You need 5 good point for makind disapere 1 bad/missing act.
"i can take not having sex for a while, as long i know i'm still wanted. That's the bottom line".
emotional bank account
sex doesnt have to be magical
sex can be scheduled
Every positive interaction in your relationship is foreplay
It’s the small things often in a relationship, that ultimately lead to great sex. Become an emotional millionaire by doing small things often. Work towards a great emotional connection and your enhanced sex life will likely follow.
Don’t make sex the last chore of the day
Periodically spend a night away together away from the kids
Accept that things have changed since the baby arrived
Things ARE different. There is a season to everything, and having challenges in intimacy after having children is so normal. Give yourself a break, be easy on yourself, and work towards a solution that feels reasonable considering the life space you are in. It is normal for your sex drive to drop, particularly for new moms who are breastfeeding. Remember you won’t feel this way for forever, it is a temporary season, but recognizing this can help to take the pressure off a bit
Ask each other for sex
We are typically indirect in our communication about sex, but it may be helpful to try a more direct approach. Find fun ways you can give your partner clues you are “in the mood”, and let them know what those clues are. Some couples report having some sort of knick knack on the wall, and when it is facing a certain direction, that means one partner is indicating they are feeling feisty. Talk with your partner about the clues you give, the clues they give, and come up with fun ways to communicate your interest. Communicate directly, but in ways your kids likely won’t recognize, and have fun sharing in that secret together
10 = i'm horny , 5 = try to convince me, 0 = i call the police if you try something
Express nonsexual affection, especially with touch
Gottman recommends a 6 second kiss every day. He says, “A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential,” but it doesn’t have to lead to sex. Touch can add to your emotional connection. A pleasant hug with your partner as they come home or before they leave for the day, or reaching out to hold their hand can all help to enhance your emotional connection
Accept that quickies are just as important as gourmet sex
How do kids always seem to know when action is happening in the bedroom? They always seem to knock or need a drink of water the minute things get going. Try not to get too frustrated and know that quickies can beneficial too.
Prioritize gourmet sex and make time for it
Gourmet sex does not have to happen often, but it certainly can help to prioritize it sometimes. Reminisce with your partner about the good times you’ve had in bed, and make a plan for how you would like to include that gourmet sex in your relationship
Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship
Eat meals together without screens
Have a stress-reducing conversation
Spend 30 minutes each day having a “how was your day, dear?” talk with your partner. The purpose of this conversation is to discuss external stress; it is not a time to bring up issues about your relationship. Couples who actively listen, take turns sharing how they feel, and show compassion to each other will reap the rewards of more emotional connection in their marriage.
Take a vacation
Take an annual vacation without the kids to somewhere you both agree upon. Drs. John and Julie Gottman have an annual honeymoon in the San Juan Islands off the coast of British Columbia. If your budget doesn’t allow you to take a vacation, you might try camping or looking for moderately priced accommodations nearby for a long weekend.
Exercise together
Share a six-second kiss
Happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. This could be lunch plans with a best friend or a doctor’s appointment or a scheduled call with their parents. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not so exciting things about your partner’s day.
kiss and hug, in the morning/wake up time, before going to work, when she is coming back, and the kiss/hug night
shifting to me to we
WE are making sacrifice for the team
My wife is carring the baby, but i can go looking for some extra pillow