processing a fight : deepening your understanding

But during this transition time, it’s crucial for husbands and wives to find the time to talk, to stay attuned to one another, and to reach out to one another. Sexual intimacy arises from emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy comes from partners making the effort to find each other through the maze of duties to perform. When partners feel cherished and appreciated, affection comes naturally. It’s no longer the last chore of the day. Then romance and passion can reawaken.

Each of us represents the family we’ve come from. And each of our families embodies a culture, that unique set of symbols, values, and rituals. When we become partners and new parents together, we merge not only our families but those cultures as well, and so we create a new culture together.

Gottman Phd, John. And Baby Makes Three (p. 27). Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony/Rodale. Édition du Kindle.

So, in our lab, we identified the process of the fight as the number one issue. But what really intrigued us was how the masters of the transition to parenthood managed their conflicts. Somehow they fought over the same issues, but differently. They were gentler, funnier, and kinder. Even though they might explode with anger, their words were less like knives and more like declarations of their rights. Let’s imagine a replay of the previous couple if they’d been like our master couples.

There’s one caveat, however, that we need to add. It’s important that our babies not witness our fights. As we’ve seen, babies are profoundly affected by our fights in front of them, especially if those fights are savage. The last thing we want is to hurt our babies. So right off, here’s a remedy. Have a problem-solving meeting time. We shouldn’t bring up issues if we think they’ll lead to World War III. We need to talk about those privately. Some of our masters have weekly meeting times when the complaints and big issues come out. It works best if we each bring up one issue, not the long litany. Don’t discuss problems at mealtime. Fights during meals give us indigestion. And they may give our kids eating disorders later. We can talk about a minor disagreement in front of our kids once they are about four years old. But they need to see us resolve the problem, too. It they’re between four and eight years old, they love to see us hug or kiss after a squabble. Other endings won’t make as much sense to them. We can also say a few words to explain what just happened. For example: “Bobby, can we tell you what just happened? We got angry at each other, but then we talked about it. I listened to Mommy’s feelings, and she listened to mine. That way, we could understand each other. Then we could work it out and make peace again.” If we slip up and a bad fight happens in front of the kids, more repairs are needed. Babies need to be comforted and held. If at all possible, holding the baby between us both is best, but only if there’s peace between us. If there’s still some tension, one of us needs to take the baby aside for cuddling while our partner gets some space.

CRITICISM is a way of complaining that globally attacks our partner’s personality by pointing out his or her defects. When words like “lazy,” “slob,” “thoughtless,” or “careless” pop up in our vocabulary, we know we’re being critical. More subtle criticisms are phrases like “You never” or “You always.” When we utter “always” or “never” about our partner, we’re most likely enumerating our partner’s inadequacies; for example, “You never clean up” means “You’re such a slob.” The antidote to criticism is to make a complaint—to state our feelings and describe the situation neutrally, using words like “I’m upset that the garbage hasn’t been taken out,” instead of “You’re too lazy to take out the garbage.” Or, “I’m disappointed that we couldn’t have dinner together,” instead of “You’re always late. Every time, you ruin our dinner together.”

DEFENSIVENESS is what we want to toss back when we feel criticized. When we perceive an attack, it’s only natural to raise our arms to try to ward off our attacker. We can defend ourselves by (1) attacking back (“Well, so what if I’m late. You’re a lousy cook”); (2) proclaiming our innocence (“I’m almost never late”); (3) being righteously indignant (“How dare you say I’m late—it’s only three minutes past six”); or (4) whining like a victim (“I couldn’t help it. My boss kept me late”). With phrases like these, we hide out and cover up that we have any responsibility for our problems. But in reality, the old adage “It takes two …” is true, and most of the time we’re in there creating the problems we have, too. So the antidote to defensiveness is to openly acknowledge our part in messing things up. It’s as simple as saying, “Sorry, I am a few minutes late, aren’t I?” But this is hard, too. We don’t want to admit that we can do wrong. Unfortunately, most of us don’t wear halos. We’re human, and we make mistakes—better that we admit them and make peace than deny them and make war.

CONTEMPT is our strongest predictor of divorce. When we’re contemptuous, we sling criticism down on our partner from the pinnacle of our own superiority. Therefore, contempt is the epitome of disrespect. When we yell out insults, “graciously” give a condescending lecture, or call our partners bad names, we’re being contemptuous. At its worst, contempt is verbal abuse. Verbal abuse destroys not only our relationships, but self-esteem and even the immune system of our partners. Examples range from pithy phrases like “You disgust me” to “You asshole.” Moderate contempt is a bit more subtle, like “How will you make it up to me for always being late?” Words like these destroy relationships, too—it just may take longer. But contempt doesn’t have to involve words. There’s also a cross-cultural facial expression of contempt that was discovered by researcher Dr. Paul Ekman. When we raise just the left corner of our mouth and create an unflattering dimple on the left side of our face, that’s contempt. Also, if we roll our eyes, that’s more contempt. In our research, we found that a husband’s contempt predicts more frequent illness in his wife over the next four years. Contempt
is toxic, indeed. What’s the alternative? The antidote for contempt is to express our appreciation and respect for each other, to each other, in small ways, every day. How often do we say, “Thanks for doing the dishes,” or “I love how you look when you’re nursing Annie”? It’s words like these that we need to say, often. They shouldn’t stay bottled up inside us. Admiration and fondness, when they are outwardly expressed, go a long way toward creating a culture of appreciation in our homes—that’s the antidote for contempt.

• STONEWALLING is the last of the Four Horsemen, and it means exactly what it sounds like. When we dislike what our partner is saying, we become like a stone wall and we give no response whatsoever. There are no “Uh-huhs,” “I see’s,” or “Wows”—that is, our usual words of feedback. We don’t move our face or even look at our partner, except to see whether the ogre has magically disappeared yet. In studying heterosexual relationships, we found that 85 percent of our stonewallers are men. Our studies also revealed that when people stonewall, their pulses are typically racing at over a hundred beats per minute … while they’re just sitting down and talking. That’s physiologically very uncomfortable, like having the brake pedal and the accelerator floored at the same time. We reasoned that when we stonewall, we’re attempting to eliminate all incoming stimuli (like our partner’s voice) so that we can calm ourselves down. But the problem is that stonewalling drives our partners crazy. They feel shut out and want to reinvolve us. So they verbally or physically pursue us, which only overwhelms us more. The antidote to stonewalling? If we get too overwhelmed, we need to take responsibility for our bodies’ condition by taking a break, soothing ourselves, and making sure we come back to our partners within a reasonable time period. In this way, we can continue to talk to our partners more calmly in order to stay tuned in to them. Better yet, we can try to stay calm in the first place. Focusing on our breathing when we begin to get upset can be a big help. Finally, to counteract stonewalling, we can signal to our partners that we hear them, even if we only nod our heads or gaze into their eyes. These gestures reassure our partners that even if we don’t agree, we’re at least still there and wanting to listen.

With these Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and their antidotes in mind, let’s see how to bring up an issue using gentle start-up. The masters of the transition to parenthood follow three steps: First, they say what they feel. Second, they state what their feelings are about by describing the problem neutrally. And third, they express what they need. They can also be polite and sometimes appreciative. In sum, the three elements of gentle start-up are: Say what you feel. Describe the problem neutrally, with no blame. Say what you need (not what you don’t need).

TAKE BREAKS AND SELF-SOOTHE We discovered the power of taking a break one day during a pilot study in our lab. We were researching what would happen to heart rates in couples after they’d argued, escalated, and flown into DPA, and we decided to do a little experiment. We told each of our couples, fictitiously, that our equipment had broken down and they’d need to wait a bit before continuing their discussion. We asked them to please stop talking until the equipment was repaired, and we kindly provided them with various magazines to read. We were actually monitoring their heart rates. After their heart rates resumed a normal pace, we declared the equipment all fixed, and asked them to resume their conversation. Lo and behold, in most cases, the conversations changed completely. For many couples, it was as if they’d just had a brain transplant. The warriors had stepped out of the room and the peacemakers had returned. The couples had become much more reasonable, flexible, collaborative, and even kind with one another. We’d stumbled onto a secret. The only thing required was for a couple to take a break, just long enough to get those heart rates down. Then the partners could discuss a problem with equanimity—and without DPA wreaking havoc.

A break should last at least half an hour, and at most a day.

The best thoughts for us are self-soothing ones. The ideal is to remember that our partner is basically a good person, and so are we. We do not have the corner on all the positive human traits, nor does our partner have the corner on all the negative human traits. Our partner can figure out what they’re responsible for in this conflict; we don’t need to do it for them. We do need to sort out our part in it. That means focusing on what we’ve said or done that has contributed to the fight. It also helps to think about what we do need from our partner, not what we don’t need. For example, it won’t work to come back and say, “Dear, I need you to never speak in that tone to me again.” We’ll sound condescending and critical. But we can say, “Dear, I need you to speak to me gently and quietly. That works best for me.” We have a much better chance of being heard with “dos” rather than “don’ts.”

When we watched the masters of the transition to parenthood work on solving their problems, there was a trick to it. First, they talked about the core of the issue for each one personally—what they each needed, what they could not yield on. They defined that territory carefully, but also made it as small as possible. Then, feeling safer, they defined what they were flexible about—the parts of the issue that weren’t so central to them. Then they felt safe enough to compromise, because their core beliefs were accepted and protected. We call this method the two-circle method of compromise.

First, define the smallest, most minimal core area of need each of you cannot yield on. What is your core need here? That will make you feel safe and change the win-lose situation to a win-win situation. Define what you need, what you have to have. Second, define areas of greater flexibility. This can be when or how you and your partner get what you each need. Third, come up with a temporary compromise. There are different levels of compromise. Talk about what you can and cannot do on this issue in terms of respecting your spouse’s position right now. Getting to Understanding. Getting stuck? Ask one another these questions: How can we each provide emotional support on this issue? Do you understand why your partner’s core areas are so important to him or her? If not, politely say, “Please help me understand what you need and why.” What do we agree about? What goals do we each have? Can we develop a common view here? How do I better honor your need here? What common ground can we identify? What are our common feelings, or the most important feelings here? What common goals can we have here? How can we understand this situation, this issue? How do we think these goals should be accomplished? What are my areas of flexibility? Can I yield on how fast things happen? Or the extent to which it happens, or the cost, and so on? Divide Each of Your Positions Into Two Areas: Write these down after the following statements.

Jake complained that Janice’s parents were planning to visit for three weeks after their baby’s birth next month. Janice bristled, “What’s wrong with their coming that soon? I’ll need all the help I can get.” “But I’ll be there to help you.” “You’re not enough.” Jake’s hackles went up. “Thanks a lot!” Janice realized her mistake. Backing down, she said, “Oops, I didn’t mean that. I know we’re a great team, and you’re terrific.” Jake softened. “You’re right, and thanks for repairing.” “You’re welcome … Now, about their visiting …” When Janice recognized that she’d insulted Jake, she quickly changed course, reassuring him that she respected and appreciated him and knew they’d be a great team together after Baby’s arrival. Jake accepted Janice’s repair and thanked her for it, which got them on the right track again.

Potential Repair Statements My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry. I might be wrong here. I really blew that one. Please, let’s stop for a while. Let me try again. That must have really hurt your feelings. I apologize. I was flooded and should have taken a break. Talk to me about what you’re feeling. How can I make this better? I want to be gentler to you right now. Let’s start all over again. I can see my part in all this. Let’s agree to disagree here. Hang in there. Don’t withdraw. Let me start again in a softer way. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I really need to calm down. I really got scared. Can you make things safer for me? Help me to say things more gently. Did I do something wrong? I need your support right now. That hurt my feelings. Just listen to me right now and try to understand. Tell me you love me. I’m feeling sad. Can you please comfort me? Can I have a kiss? I am feeling unappreciated. Please be gentler with me. I feel defensive. Can you rephrase that? Please help me calm down. Please don’t lecture me. Please be quiet and listen to me. Let me talk until I say I’m done. I don’t feel like you understand This is important to me. Please listen to me right now. I need to finish what I was saying. Please don’t withdraw. You were starting to convince me, but I interrupted the process. I know this isn’t your fault. I agree with part of what you’re saying. Can we talk again? I realize what my part of this problem is. Let’s compromise here. Let’s find our common ground. Thank you for … I never thought of things that way. I really do think your point of view makes sense. I love you. Let’s work on this. Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.

“Do you want to talk?” Squaring off, John grumbled, “Do you?” “I think we should.”

Negative Feelings I felt defensive. During the argument my feelings got hurt. I felt excluded. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt misunderstood. I felt criticized. I felt like my partner didn’t even like me. I was afraid. I was worried. I felt I was right and my partner was wrong. I felt out of control. I felt righteously indignant. I felt unfairly picked on. I felt unappreciated. I felt unattractive. I felt neglected. I felt disgusted. I was disapproving. I was morally outraged. I felt taken for granted. I felt like leaving. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt powerless. I felt like I had no influence. I felt like my opinions didn’t even matter. I had no feelings at all. I had no idea what I was feeling.

Positive Feelings I felt calm. I felt loved. I felt appreciated. I felt respected. I felt happy. I felt powerful. I felt loving. I felt kind. I felt in control. I felt like we were making progress. I felt connected to my partner. I felt optimistic.

2) Next, summarize your own point of view in this argument while your partner listens. Then listen while your partner does the same. Avoid blaming your partner, disagreeing with your partner, or getting back into the fight. Instead, step into your partner’s shoes and try to see how your partner’s point of view might make sense, given your partner’s perspective. Now, communicate your understanding in words to your partner

3) Admit Your Role in the Fight To stop being defensive, attacking, or critical, you need to first understand your part in creating this fight. Like all of us, you’d like to think that this fight is all your partner’s fault. But usually it isn’t; on the other hand, it isn’t all your fault, either. Instead, you’ve both created a cycle, a dynamic between you in which you’ve each played a role. But it’s too critical to tell your partner what he or she has done wrong. It works much better to admit your own role, even if it’s a small one.

We know that when we choose a partner, we’re also selecting our relationship issues for, hopefully, the next fifty years.

Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame
If it helps, write out such an explanation beforehand, focusing on what the two of you need or want out of the area of disagreement. Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!

Soothe each other
Gridlock is, by definition, stressful. If you feel like you are becoming flooded with emotion, or incapable of productive conversation, take a break either alone or with your partner. There’s no rush. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, “if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”

Devise a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.

Solvable problems can be about housecleaning, disciplining children, sex, and in-laws. Solvable problems for one couple can be about the exact same topics that could be perpetual problems for a different couple. A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind the each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.

Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your life style needs. All couples have perpetual problems. These issues can seemingly be about the exact same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; however, unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.

what's make that so important to you ? What's the story behind it ?

"i can take not having sex for a while, as long i know i'm still wanted. That's the bottom line".

It’s the small things often in a relationship, that ultimately lead to great sex. Become an emotional millionaire by doing small things often. Work towards a great emotional connection and your enhanced sex life will likely follow.

Periodically spend a night away together away from the kids

Things ARE different. There is a season to everything, and having challenges in intimacy after having children is so normal. Give yourself a break, be easy on yourself, and work towards a solution that feels reasonable considering the life space you are in. It is normal for your sex drive to drop, particularly for new moms who are breastfeeding. Remember you won’t feel this way for forever, it is a temporary season, but recognizing this can help to take the pressure off a bit

We are typically indirect in our communication about sex, but it may be helpful to try a more direct approach. Find fun ways you can give your partner clues you are “in the mood”, and let them know what those clues are. Some couples report having some sort of knick knack on the wall, and when it is facing a certain direction, that means one partner is indicating they are feeling feisty. Talk with your partner about the clues you give, the clues they give, and come up with fun ways to communicate your interest. Communicate directly, but in ways your kids likely won’t recognize, and have fun sharing in that secret together

10 = i'm horny , 5 = try to convince me, 0 = i call the police if you try something

Gottman recommends a 6 second kiss every day. He says, “A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential,” but it doesn’t have to lead to sex. Touch can add to your emotional connection. A pleasant hug with your partner as they come home or before they leave for the day, or reaching out to hold their hand can all help to enhance your emotional connection

How do kids always seem to know when action is happening in the bedroom? They always seem to knock or need a drink of water the minute things get going. Try not to get too frustrated and know that quickies can beneficial too.

Gourmet sex does not have to happen often, but it certainly can help to prioritize it sometimes. Reminisce with your partner about the good times you’ve had in bed, and make a plan for how you would like to include that gourmet sex in your relationship

My wife is carring the baby, but i can go looking for some extra pillow