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5 How Self-Regulation can affect Close Relationships, So self-regulation…
5 How Self-Regulation can affect Close Relationships
SELF REGULATORY STRENGTH
Self-regulation resources
Self-regulation is when you
consciously or non-consciously
exert control over your drives, functions and states to you can move towards a more preferred state. Self-regulation can be used to
engage in pro-relationship behaviours
because these behaviours are harmful for the self but beneficial for the relationship so we need self-control to perform pro-relationship behaviours.
This strength is like a muscle,
it can be depleted, so situations can have an effect on the strength of our self-regulation.
Characteristics of high self-regulatory strength
People who have effective control are found to have higher conscientiousness and lower neuroticism (associations).
EVAL
- these research findings may not apply to other cultures, as people in collectivist cultures naturally have better self-regulatory strength, even after depletion.
Benefits of high self-regulation
Evolutionary benefits
= maintain social relationships (you can survive), preserve social order, Implicit Bargain (pro-relationship behaviours ultimately benefit the self).
Interpersonal benefits
e.g. less family conflict, more cohesion, secure attachment etc. But there's also
Personal Benefits
e,g, high marks, few mental health problems, less substance use, high self-esteem etc.
More prosocial maintenance behaviours
Studies show having too much self-control isn't bad for you, in fact you're likely to have better accommodation, more commitment, less intimate violence, less looking at alternatives.
Longitudinal effects
Studies looked at children who did Marshmallow study, found that 10 years later, those who were successful in the marshmallow study had better friendships and were more cooperative. Also self-regulation at age 3 can predict social interactions at age 21
Forgiveness
- studies show that those who performed better on
cognitive tasks
were better able to forgive their partner for 5 weeks straight (after their partner betrayed them), and were less likely to ruminate on the betrayal.
Negative consequences of self-control
High self-control can cause negative personal outcomes, which later lead to negative relational outcomes = more burden (workload, which leads to fatigue, which causes poorer relationship satisfaction). Also those high in self-control more willing to deliver electric shocks in a replication of Milgrams study.
Depletion of self-regulatory strength
These people who had their self-regulatory strength depleted acc had
poorer relational behaviours
(bc they had poor self-regulation)
They were less likely to be accommodating, less derogation of alternatives, showed more self-serving biases, more aggression. Surprisingly, some studies show a depletion leads to more prosocial behaviours, such as willingness to sacrifice.
Re-pleat Self-regulatory strength
Study shows that when participants had resources depleted but then practiced doing self-control (which led to their resources for self-control being built up again), they had a reduced inclination to perpetrate intimate partner violence after being shown an upsetting situation. i.e. they had more self-control (even after their resources were depleted), - this shows that the practice had strengthened their self-regulation,
SELF REGULATORY CONTENT
INTERPERSONAL GOALS
Risk Regulation Model
other people are our goals, we want to pursue goals that promote the relationship bc we gain happiness, intimacy etc. But we only do this if we know that our partners see us in high regard. We have if-then rules, feeling threatened (feeling that our partner sees us in negative regard) can lead to self-protective behaviours, this can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, Low self-esteem people feel more rejected & distance themselves.
EVAL
- However, maybe it could just be that the individuals are rejection sensitive, and that's why they distance themselves, bc they're always expecting rejection to happen (even when it wont).
PERSONAL GOALS
When we want to pursue personal goals for ourselves, we turn to close others who we think are
instrumental
in helping us achieve this particular goal. Lots of studies which shows this.
This also affects
who an individual approaches and who they avoid
- they approach those who are instrumental to their goal, and they avoid those who are not instrumental (waste of space).
Shifting Closeness
- We're pursuing multiple goals at the same time, the goal which we give more attention to is the one that affects which instrumental person you approach - a goal which doesn't receive much attention will lead to you not approaching anyone (as the goal is easy and nearly done). Once one goal is achieved, then you approach someone else who helps you achieve another goal.
SELF-EXPANSION
One of our fundamental needs is to self-expand, and one way to do this is by including others into the self - this happens if you and your partner have shared participation/participate in novel and challenging activities together. This leads to enhanced relationship quality due to the positive affect you feel (positive affect resembles the emotions you felt when you first started dating your partner). So its
engaging in activities together - positive affect - enhanced relationship quality.
SELF-REGULATORY STRATEGIES
APPROACH/AVOIDANCE
So here you either pursue goals because you want to approach the positive outcomes of the goal (you want success), or you pursue goals because you want to avoid the negative outcomes of the goals (avoid failure)
More
relationship satisfaction
and outcomes when partners pursue goals based on approach motivations. This is bc the partner will end up knowing if you have an approach or avoidance mindset when you pursue relationship goals, and this will impact relationship quality.
This can be affected by
attachment styles
- anxious and avoidant individuals will more likely have avoidance motivations. Secure will likely have approach motivations
The type of motivation you have for
long-term goals
will also be present for
short-term goals
e.g. avoidance motivation for long-term goals will lead to you adopting avoidance mindset when you pursue short-term goals too.
PROMOTION PREVENTION
Promotion is about wanting growth to occur in relationships, Prevention is about wanting safety and security.
The type of relationship we have
affects whether we have a promotion focus or a prevention focus = we have a promotion focus when we're dating (bc we want our relationship to grow and advance) but we have a prevention focus when we're married (because we want security and safety e.g. bills, childcare etc).
FORGIVENESS
- if you have a promotion focus and you’re deciding whether to forgive someone, your trust for your partner is a very imp thing. But if you have a prevention focus and you’re deciding to forgive someone, your commitment to this person is an imp factor.
MINDFULNESS
This is about being focused on the present moment. Couples who are mindful report having more relationship satisfaction and better relationship quality. Studies also show that parents who are more mindful have better parenting styles with their children (so parent-child relationship is also positively impacted by mindfulness)
So self-regulation can affect close relationships, bc high self-regulation can lead to individuals being better relational partners which lead to better relational well-being, but depletion of self-regulation will lead to individuals being worse relational partners, hence poorer relational well-being.
So what are some of the reasons that we engage in self-regulation?
We use self-regulation to pursue interpersonal roles via monitoring how highly our partner holds us in regard. ...................................................................We engage in self-control to ensure that we don't risk getting hurt/rejected by our partner e.g. if we think our partner holds us in negative regard, we engage in self-regulation to produce self-protective behaviours.
We use self-regulation to achieve personal goals via going to instrumental others.
Use self-regulation to achieve our goal of self-expanding by doing activities with your partner.
You're likely to pursue interpersonal goals (goals that is for the relationship e.g. buying a get-away holiday for you and your partner) if you know your partner holds you in high regard bc you're less likely to get hurt afterwards/rejected