Non Violent Communication
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Words are windows, or they’re walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, Let the love light shine through me.
Compassionate Communication; the abbreviation NVC is used throughout this book to refer to Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication
Four components of NVC:
- observations
- feelings
- needs
- requests
Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our
natural state of compassion.
Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
Another form of judgment is the use of compar
Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility. Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to
factors outside ourselves:
Vague, impersonal forces—“I cleaned my room because I had to.”
Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history—“I drink because I am an alcoholic.”
The actions of others—“I hit my child because he ran into the street.”
The dictates of authority—“I lied to the client because the boss told me to.”
Group pressure—“I started smoking because all my friends did.”
Institutional policies, rules, and regulations—“I have to suspend you for this infraction because it’s the school policy.”
Gender roles, social roles, or age roles—”I hate going to work, but I do it because I am a husband and a father.”
Uncontrollable impulses—“I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.”
We can never make people do anything.
The concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment is also associated with life-alienating communication. This thinking is expressed by the word deserve as in “He deserves to be punished for what he did.” It assumes “badness” on the part of people who behave in certain ways, and it calls for punishment to make them repent and change their behavior. I believe it is in everyone’s interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves.
Observing Without Evaluating
The words always, never, ever, whenever, etc. express observations
when used in the following ways:
I cannot recall your ever writing to me.
She is never there when she’s needed.
“Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty
games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”
The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings. By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allows us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts. NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
Taking Responsibility for Our Feelings
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.
—Epictetus
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but
not the cause.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism
“It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public
brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.” vs “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
onnect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:
Autonomy to choose one’s dreams, goals, values to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
Integrity authenticity creativity meaning
Interdependence acceptance appreciation closeness community consideration contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life) emotional safety empathy honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations) love reassurance respect support trust understanding warmth
Physical Nurturance air food movement, exercise protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects,
When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message.
Fİrst component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specic to time and context, for example, “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”
third component of NVC is the acknowledgment of the needs behind our feelings. What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings. When someone communicates negatively, we have four options as to how to receive the message: (1) blame ourselves, (2) blame others, (3) sense our own feelings and needs, (4) sense the feelings and needs hidden in the other person’s negative message