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The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane (Chapter 6 : Different Charisma…
The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane
Chapter 13 : The Charismatic Life// Rising to the Challenge
As you become more charismatic, you also become a magnet to praise, admiration, and envy. To keep away from jealousy you can refuse the glory, reflect the glory, or transfer the glory. Downplay compliments and praise every once in awhile. High light other strong members' contributions
If someone starts oversharing, interject them and continue the conversation on a different path.
People will expect a lot from you, so allow yourself to be human too. Show that you accept that you aren't perfect all of the time, and that you can be vulnerable too. In some ways that can provide you more charisma. Finally, don't abuse your charisma. Don't convince people of your way even if you're wrong and know when to use each kind of charisma
Chapter 12 : Charisma in Crisis
How to have charisma in a crisis
Second, express high expectations. Have confidence (Visionary Charisma)
Third, articulate a vision. Make it clear that you have control over what you want to happen during and after the crisis. Once you have shown everyone you know what you want to happen, make it actually happen. Be bold and decisive.
First, retain at least a certain measure of calm. If you can be calm, the people around you will mirror you and the anxiety of the situation will not escalate
Chapter 1 : Charisma Demystified
Myth #1: You have to be outgoing and extraverted to have charisma
Myth #2 : You have to be attractive to be charismatic ( Could be an advantage but is not necessary)
How to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation
Reduce how quickly and how often you nod
Pause for two whole sentences before you speak
Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences
Charismatic people make the people they're with feel a certain way opposed to elevating themselves a certain way
Chapter 3 : The Obstacles to Presence, Power, and Warmth
Mental Discomfort
Each stage of a comparison cycle impairs one's charisma. It hinders one's ability to be present. Rather than ignoring something that is extremely wired in your brain, notice when you make comparisons and use the responsibility transfer technique
Understand that mental negativity such as anxiety, criticism, or self-doubt is normal and something that everyone experiences
Anxiety caused by uncertainty // The most effective technique to resolve it
Pick an entity-god, fate, the universe, etc- that you can imagine as a benevolent
Imagine lifting the weight of everything you're concerned about off your shoulders and place the weight on the entity. They're in charge now
Take 2 or 3 deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine taking in clean air toward the top of your head. As you exhale, let the air whoosh through you, washing away all worries and concerns
5.Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference
Sit down comfortably or lie down, relax, close your eyes
Physical Discomfort
Any physical discomfort your body language can affect how charismatic you are perceived
To prevent physical discomfort from happening, follow three steps:
Recognize
Check in with your face from time to time. Notice if its tense
The more present you are, the more aware you will be surrounding your body language
Remedy or Explain
If you notice that you have tension in your face, acknowledge and explain it before it goes misinterpreted
Prevent
Plan ahead to prevent any discomfort from happening
Wear clothes that you will feel extremely comfortable in and make sure the setting isn't too hot or cold and everyone involved is well fed
Chapter 4 : Overcoming the Obstacles
Step 2 : Neutralize Negativity
Think about all the similar negative scenarios that you've been through and survived. You can do it again
Trying to ignore a situation will only bring it closer to the center of your attention. Rather than suppressing a negative thought, think about it and then let it go
Don't always assume that your thoughts are accurate. Just because something comes up in your mind doesn't mean it has any validity. It could be missing some important elements
If you do have a negative thought/experience, label it. Just naming it could neutralize it
Depersonalize a situation. Take yourself out of a situation. Imagine it from an outside perspective and be self-critical without it involving yourself
Imagine your mental chatter as something that is coming out of the radio. See if you can "turn down the volume"
Step 3 : Rewrite Reality
If a situation is more serious, sit down and write out a new reality on a piece of paper. Writing accesses different parts of our brain and affects out beliefs other modes of expression cannot.
Ex: If there is a person that has really angered you, write that person a letter of everything that you had ever wished to tell them. Do this by hand. Once you've gotten everything out. On another sheet of paper, write their response. Have them acknowledge and apologize. You and your imagination have complete control over what this response may say. This may feel awkward at first, but as the next few days go on, watch your new reality go into play and finally provide yourself with closure
Find the possible and most creative reasons why a bad situation might be good
Step 1 : Destigmatize Discomfort
reduce the power of discomfort by understanding that it's normal
remind yourself that you are not alone in that struggle
all people you look up to have at some point dealt with a similar, if not the same, experience that you are going through
Shame is the biggest killer. At the end of the day, shame is grown out of proportion by no one but yourself and the only way to remove the stigma of shame is to confront it yourself
A main reason for negative thoughts is that our culture has categorized feeling bad as something that is abnormal; therefore, making it difficult to accept and lead to feeling bad about feeling bad
How to : Destigmatize Discomfort
Dedramatize : come to terms with the fact that discomfort is a common part of the human experience and happens everyday
Think about all the people before you that have dealt with the same feelings, especially people you admire
Remember that feeling uncomfortable is normal and a legacy left by survival instincts
See it as one burden shared by many
Chapter 6 : Different Charisma Styles
Focus Charisma : Presence and Confidence
Focus charisma is the easiest form of charisma to access, and can be surprisingly effective, but it comes with two main risks
If you display too little power you could come across as too eager, and consequently low-status or even subservient
A less common risk is exhibiting too little warmth, which leads to attention that is too intense. If you become laser-focused, your interaction may start to fear like an interview, or, worse year, an interrogation.
When is this appropriate? Business Situations. Useful when you need people to open up and share information. Helpful in difficult situations such as negotiations or to defuse hostile conversations
Presence is key. Entirely based on demeanor. Doesn't have to be extraverted but when in the presence of others, gives complete focus and complete presence. Listening is a must.
Visionary Charisma : Belief and Confidence
Based on power. Not necessarily warm. (i.e. Steve Jobs)
Assessed through body language, includes body language and behavior. Due to the fact that people tend to accept whatever you project, if you seem inspired, they will assume you have something to be inspired about. Appearance matters less than it does for other charisma styles.
Message matters. Know how to craft a bold vision and knowing how to deliver the message charismatically. Use it when to inspire people
Shed yourself of any doubt that you may have
Can inspire fervent belief and lead to monumental change BUT it can also inspire fanatical belief and lead people to disastrous decisions
Make others feel inspired. Make us believe. Ability to protect complete conviction and confidence in a cause.
Kindness Charisma : Warmth and Confidence
Based primarily being extremely warm, without power you risk coming off as overeager to please. It has its costs though; you became known as that kind presence/counted on to be the kind one
Kindness charisma is perfect for any time you want to create an emotional bond or make someone feel safe and comfortable. Critical in some situations where bad news needs to be delivered but you have to make sure that you are never too comfortable or share too much
What people notice : comes entirely from the body. They is a large concentration on the face and specifically the eyes
Authority Charisma : Status and Confidence
Authority charisma is primarily based on the perception of 4 features : body language, appearance, title, and the reactions of others
To project power and confidence, it is important that you feel confident. This can be done through tools learned in previous chapters. For appearance, wearing clothing that looks expensive or high-status is one of the easiest way to look authoritative
Once you have authority charisma, you have the advantage of being listened to and obeyed. However, its disadvantages include the inhibition of critical thinking in others, it doesn't invite feedback with limits you from receiving information you actually need, and it can easily make you arrogant
To keep yourself from becoming the negative kind of authority charisma,it is important to put out warmth
How to choose the right kind of charisma. Consider :
Your goals : Make it clear what you want to achieve.
The situation : Watch context are you stepping into? Which charisma will play out the best?
Your personality : What feels right and choose styles that match your signature strengths
The most powerful charisma. Can be equally be turned positive or negative. They don't necessarily have to be like able (i.e. Colin Powell, Dalai Lama, Stalin, Mussolini)
Chapter 8 : Speaking-and Listening- with Charisma
Charismatic Speaking
Get graphic. Make pictures with your words. Use metaphors
Don't use phrases like " Don't worry" or "Don't hesitate to call," because it will provide a negative effect. Instead use phrases like "We'll take care of it" or "Please feel free to call anytime"
Make whatever you say be enjoyable. While being informative, be sure that it is something the viewer wants to listen to
Make whoever's listening to you feel important or feel good about themselves
Voice fluctuation to keep interest
The key is to have both warmth and power
Smiling brings warmth into your voice
The only two measurements needed to determine the success of a speaker are the ratio of speaking to listening and the amount of voice fluctuation
To communicate power
Volume has the ability to modulate volume and aimed it such a way that it targets specific portions of people
A slow, measured temp with frequent pauses convey confidence
Pitch and tone tends to be lower, more resonant, and more baritone
TAKE A COMPLIMENT!!!!!!!!!!
Attentive listening is key in becoming a charisma master
refraining from interrupting
deliberate pausing
After a person finishes their sentence, let there be a two second pause and then have your face absorb, react and only then answer
attentive listening
but don't zone out
If you're impatient, think about the physical sensations that you're feeling and you'll be able to get back to the moment
Great listeners pause before they answer
Chapter 2 : The Charismatic Behaviors // Presence, Power, and Warmth
Power & Warmth
The pair must be together to provide charisma
Someone who is powerful but not warm can be impressive, but isn't necessarily perceived as charismatic and can come across as overeager, subservient, or desperate to please
Someone who posses warmth without power can be likable, but isn't necessarily perceived as charismatic and can come across as overeager, subservient, or desperate to please
Warmth : Goodwill towards others
Warmth allows one to see if they will use their power for the goodwill of others
Assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior
Evaluated more directly than power
Power : Being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status
This trait is largely gained from assumptions based off of clothing, posture, overall projection
Increasing projection of power or projection of warmth, increases level of charisma. The projection of both increases personal charisma potential
Figuring out who might want to help us and who has the power to do so has always been critical to our survival
Charismatic Body Language
What your Mind Believes, Your Body Manifests
The Placebo Effect
The Nocebo Effect
Your mind can't tell fact from fiction. You can "fake" your internal world to help you get into the right charismatic mental state at will instantly
Charisma begins with the mind
Many people already have the technical skills - raw brainpower//what we uses to understand instruction - but lack the social skills
People with strong internal skills are aware of what exactly happening inside them and know how to handle it
Those with internal skills can recognize when their self-confidence has taken a hit and have the skills to get back to their most confident selves
The people at the top of the hierarchy of a business may not have the highest level of technical skill but because they have high external and internal skills they are able to command and lead people
If there is no internal charisma, the micro expressions and subconscious reactions could come off in ways that might do the opposite of attract someone to you
Presence
You can't fake listening or attentiveness. If presence is inauthentic, the other person will notice. Pay attention to what's going on rather than being caught up in your own thoughts
Putting presence into practice (set a timer for one minute)
Sounds
Scan the environment for sound
Passively register sounds around you
Your Breath
Pay attention to one breath at a time and notice every aspect of the one breath
Imagine each breath as someone you want to give full attention to
Your Toes
Focus attention on the sensations in your toes
Helps you get into the physical sensations of the moment
What's happening?
First Reason
We're wired to have our attention grabbed by any new stimuli
This tendency is what allowed our ancestors to survive. (i.e. hunters hunting in the plains searching for antelope to feed on. There's a flicker in the distance. The hunter that doesn't notice this is not our ancestor)
Our brain is wired to notice stimuli (sight, smells, sounds)
Second Reason
The constant influx of stimulation we receive worsens our natural tendencies and can eventually lead up into a state of
continuous partial attention
Continuous Partial Attention
: we never give our full attention to one single thing
Our society encourages distraction
Because of this, the few of those who can be fully present is able to attract more people
If you notice that you're getting distracted, practice the earlier exercise to zero yourself in
Chapter 7 : Charismatic First Impressions
The Perfect Handshake
Always make sure that your right hand is always free. Everything from a drink to a binder should not be in the hand that you will handshake with
Before you shake someone's hand, rise if you're seating and keep your hands out of your pockets. Make sure to have eye contact, smile warmly but briefly (make sure not to look overeager), and keep your head straight.
Keep your hand perpendicular. Be neither dominant or submissive. If you're in doubt, angle your thumb straight to the ceiling. Keep a wide space between your thumb and your index finger, so you get optimal thumb-web contact. Try to wrap your fingers around your partner's hand, scaling one by one and once full contact is made, lock thumb down and give a little squeeze. Wait for a moment and then step back
Break the Ice & Make that Exit
Start with something general. Follow with an open-ended question. Continue with open-ended questions that can be associated with positive ideas. If things starting moving towards you, use the bounce back technique where you add a personal note on yourself and redirect the question towards them. While this entire conversation, adjust vocabulary and expressions to suit the person you're with.
Exit a conversation by offering something of value : Information (Something that you think might be useful to them), a connection(someone that you know and think they should meet/you will introduce to) , visibility (invite them to speak at an organization you're part of) , or recognition (an award you think they should be nominated to)
If someone's being left out, make a point to make eye contact with the person that is being left behind and introduce them back into the conversation
First Evaluations
The Golden Rule : People like people who are like them. Clothing is the first that is judged from the appearance through which people make their firs impressions from
Tribal Wear : If you want others to feel comfortable, adapt clothing similar to the people you're with.
The handshake is the first step to intimacy. The physical contact requires the personal space barrier to be suspended; therefore, it requires trust. If the trust is validated, the relationship is made.
Chapter 5 : Creating Charismatic// Mental States
Gratitude, Goodwill, and Compassion (Helps Show Warmth)
Step 2 : Goodwill and Compassion
Imagine there are angel wings on the person you are interacting with and it may put them in a light of goodness
Go a step beyond goodwill to empathy and compassion
Goodwill : you wish someone well without necessarily knowing how they're feeling
Empathy : you understand how another person feel, you have a similar experience in the past
Compassion: empathy + goodwill, you understand how they feel and you wish them well
First, empathy (ability to understand someone's feeling)
Second, sympathy (ability to understand what someone is feeling)
Third, compassion (desire to care)
To really practice compassion. Step 1: Imagine their past. Consider what they have experienced. The circumstances they were brought up in. Interesting family stories
Step 2 : Imagine their present. Put yourself in their shoes, every aspect of it. Feel what they are feeling
Step : If you need to go further, think about today as their last day. What would you say to them
Goodwill is the idea of wishing well to others. To make it easier, find three things you like about the person that you want to show goodwill toward
Step 3 : Self-Compassion
High self-compassion consists of equal parts of everything else
Self-esteem : How much we approve of or value ourselves
Self-compassion : How much warmth we can have for ourselves
Self-Confidence : our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence or self-pity. Self-compassion is viewing something bad that happened to you as unfortunate while self-pity views it as unfair
The best tool against inner critics attacks is called Metta. It's a buddhist technique.It's very similar to mental discomfort exercise in chapter 3
Step 1 : Gratitude and Appreciation
Brings you back to the present because you are forced to appreciate what you currently have, whether they're material or experiences and relationships
When you have gratitude, your body language tends to be more relaxed. Because human beings are instinctively wired for
hedonic adaptation
(the tendency to take our blessings for granted), if you are full of gratitude, people will notice
Gratitude Exercises
Make a list of three of the abilities that you approve of. Make a list of three present sights in your environment. Use a third person lens and describe certain aspects of your life.
Imagine your funeral. What would it look like? What would people wear? What would the people you love say about you? What would be written on your tombstone>
Use your body to affect your mind
For confidence, assertiveness : take a wide stance, puff up your chest, broaden your shoulders, stand straight, and confidently put your arms behind your back
For a boost of energy and warmth : stand up, stretch your hands in the air as high as possible, inhale as much as you can, make the biggest smile you can and look upward, hold for a second, and then relax everything
Visualization
Can physically alter the brain structure // repetitions causes a rewiring in the motor cortex
Think about a previous triumphant experience. With your eyes shut, think about all of the senses that are associated with it (hear, see, feel, experience the moment)The visualization will allow you the confidence you felt in that moment and carry that feeling into whatever situation you're going into
Before important meetings
Anytime you're feeling anxious
A twenty second hug is enough to send oxytocin coursing through your veins, and you can get the same effect just by imagining the hug
Use just before a presentation
Chapter 9 : Charismatic Body Language
Personal space has a major affect on how comfortable or uncomfortable someone is with you
If you want someone to feel comfortable, avoid seating them with their back to an open space, particularly if others are moving behind him
When a person is in an uncomfortable seating position, it can cause breathing rate, heart rate, and blood pressure to increase rapidly, by association directly affect their perception of you
People sitting across each other with a table dividing them, they tend to speak in shorter sentences, are more likely to argue, and can recall less of what was said
KEEP GOOD EYE CONTACT
Most important part of nonverbal communication
Another important form of nonverbal communication is posture
Regal Posture : More contained. They don't feel the urge to give so much reassurance b/c they aren't worried about what their counterpart is thinking
Don't nod aggressively
Don't make a lot of verbal reassurance
Don't fidget
Break bad habits by making yourself aware of them. This will allow you catch yourself when you do something that hinders your posture and change it
Big Gorilla : tend to sit sideways on their chair, drape their arms over the back, put their feet on the desk, sit on the desk
We feel
separation distress
whenever someone with whom we have significant eye contact turns away, so keep a
full three seconds
of eye contact at the end of your interaction before you turn away
If it's hard for you to keep eye contact, focus on the surroundings like in previous exercises.
Emotion Contagion : the process by which the emotions expressed by one individual are 'caught' by another
The ripple affect is due to the mirror neurons in our brain, whose job it is to replicate or mirror in our own mind the emotions we observe in someone else
A charismatic person has the ability to control that, and have the ability to show or not show emotion, in turn, sharing or not sharing their emotions with the people they're around
people who spend a lot of time together tend to mirror one another. It can be also be seen as attractive. (Remember tribal wear!!)
Mirroring can save first impressions
That being said, don't mirror someone when they're angry. That could only escalate a situation to become worse
Our physiology affects our psychology
Chapter 10 : Difficult Situations
Dealing with Difficult People
Don't try to win every battle at once. Find the "right" charisma to work with each person (see chapter 6 )
When you are going to deal with a hostile situation, use your compassion techniques like visualization to get in a headspace that will release oxytocin to counter any negative body language
Rather than doing other people favors, ask them for favors. To make it even better, ask them for a favor that provides no cost: their opinion. Now that they've done something for you, show your gratitude and in turn, they'll feel more likely to help you another time
Express appreciation. The more specific and directed you can get with it, the better. Remind them that they had a choice in helping you and they did, so you appreciate it. When doing so, avoid yourself from making them feel wrong
How to give bad news
Four crucial steps to think about when giving criticism
Think about your timing and location. Be sure that when you give criticism, you think about the person's physical and emotional state
Get into the right mindset, one of compassion and empathy. Getting into a mindset where even with the criticism the interaction is positive. Show that the best interests are at heart. Think about what you might want to hear
Decide exactly what points you want to make : be specific. It will limit any wrong interpretations. Keep from having a long list because it could be overwhelming
Depersonalize. Communicate that you are criticizing behavior and not the person itself.
Critical Delivery
Start with a positive beginning. Start with reassurance. People will accept your comments far more easily, and they'll get less defensive. Rather than saying don't, provide corrective action
Try to avoid making people feel wrong
What to be attentive of
Verbally : Encourage positive mental associations.
Nonverbally : Use your body language to influence theirs. Get back into a state of goodwill so that it plays out across your face. The mirror neurons in their brain will replicate the emotions they're seeing in you, putting them in a more positive state of mind
Get yourself into the right internal state. Access compassion, so that it plays out across your body language and then put yourself in their shoes. Imagine how they may be feeling. Focus on the idea that the both of you are on a common mission. Focus on a compassionate phrase to have as a mantra. Try to convey empathy in your facial expressions, your tone of voice, and your words
Apologies
Hear the person you're apologizing to out. Don't interrupt them (BAD). While you listen, be completely present and avoid trying to prepare a response. First get a full understanding of the complaint and ask questions
Inject warmth. Warmth matters here too. Show that you understand your action or inaction and its consequences or ramifications
When writing an e-mail pay attention to the timing, the setting, and the situation. You can use visualizations to get into the right mental state.When you're on a phone, start with asking if it is a good time for the conversation. No matter how urgent, bad timing means bad results for you.
Chapter 11 : Presenting with Charisma
Creating a Charismatic Appearance
Red : Conveys energy, passion. Wear red to wake up an audience
Black : Shows you're serious and that you won't take no for an answer
White : Honesty and innocence, which is why defendants often choose it in the courtroom
Blue : emits trust. The darker the shade, the deeper the level of trust it elicits
Gray : A good neutral. The color of business
Orange and yellow : Not recommended. First to attract the human eye but the first to tire the eye
Rehearsing for Charisma
It takes practice
Before you start,
pause, breathe, slow down
If you make a mistake, take a moment and then proceed
On the day of, use internal tools to get in the best mindset and take three beats before facing the audience and beginning your speech
Record yourself or have people watch you and find out what things you're doing wrong. What gestures are not helpful and what filler words should you get rid of
Projecting Power:
Stand with a wide stance. Practice without a podium or lectern Find the right volume;
Projecting Warmth:
Make your audience feel special, speak as if you're sharing a secret. Give one or two seconds of eye contact per person. Use visualization to internalize warmth. Focus on voice fluctuation
Constructing a charismatic message
For stories to be effective, choose characters that are similar to the people in your audience to make them more relatable . Call upon visionary charisma
metaphors and analogies can be highly effective in catching the imagination of the audience
numbers and statistics personal, meaningful, and relatable for your audience. Avoid ending with a Q & A