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CHAPTER 8: MANAGING CONFLICT IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS (Approaches to…

- - - - Acknowledge the person's thought and feelings Acknowledge the ideas and emotions of others is an even stronger form of confirmation than simply recognizing them. Listening is probably the most common form of acknowledgement. However, truly listening which is not just pretend to listen when you are actually thinking about something else or gathering ammunition for a rebuttal has the opposite effect of acknowledgement. It is more confirming to ask questions, paraphrase, and reflect on what people are sharing with you
        
        For example Leaders who are supportive of others and their ideas who are more successful than leaders who are more concerned with promoting their own images and ideas
        
        From my own experience To me, sometimes I expect others basically to stay and listen to what I am saying then. Listening is also a important skill, it is innate for some people, however, it is a misconception to say that listening and hearing is similar to each other. They are both proactive acts, however, I think listening is more intentionally proactive, while the rest is more unintentionally proactive.
      - Show that you agree Whereas acknowledge means you are interested in other people's ideals, endorsement means that you agree with them. Moreover, outright praise is a strong form of endorsement and one you can use surprisingly often if you look for opportunities to compliment others.
        
        For example We tend to be attracted to people who agree with us. Additionally, it is not necessary to agree completely with another person in order to endorse his or her message. We can say something like "I can see why you were so angry" even if you do not approve of his or her outburst
      - Show recognition The most fundamental act of confirmation is to recognize the other person. Recognition seems easy and obvious, and yet there are many times when we don't respond to others on this basic level
        
        For Example Your friends may feel a similar sense of being invisible or ignored if you do not return phone messages or if you avoid eye contact with them or fail to say hi when you encounter each other at a party or on the street.
        
        From my own experience In some situations, keep being silent, to me, will make they are worst. Because if nobody articulates what they are thinking or what they really want, then how can other people evacuate and know what they suppose to do next? From my perspective, for example, if two people are afraid of if they have a problems as well as mis-communicating with each other or not, just try to be one who strike up a conversation first, which I mean, we can use a Perception Checking.
    - - Partners show contempt. Contempt takes criticism to an ever more hurtful level by mocking, belittling, or ridiculing the other person (You are pathetic. You disgust me). Whereas criticism implies (You are flawed), contempt implies (I hate you). Expression of contempt may be explicit, but they are more often expressed nonverbally-by sneering, eye rolling, and a condescending tone of voice
      - Partners are defensive When face with criticism and contempt, it is not surprising that partners react with defensiveness- protecting their self-worth by counterattacking (You are calling me a careless driver? You are the one who got a speeding ticket last month). Once an attack-and-defend pattern develops, conflict usually escalates or partners start to avoid each other.
      - One or both partners engage in stonewalling One of the most harmful disconfirming messages is stonewalling- a form of avoidance in which one person refuses to engage with the other. Walking away or giving one's partner the silent treatment conveys the message (You are not even worth my attention)
      - Partners criticize each other In contrast to complaints, which may focus on specific behaviors, criticism is personal, all-encompassing, and accusatory (You're lazy or The only person you think about is yourself)
  - - - Positive spirals: leads the first person to be even more reinforcing, and so on.
      - Negative spirals: are powerful, although they leave the partners feeling worse about themselves and each other
        
        For example when one partner refuses to talk about a sensitive issue, the other partner is likely to become frustrated and distant as well, and when one person criticizes another, a tit-for-tat pattern of destructive criticism often merges.
    - - One attack leads another until a skirmish escalates into a full-fledged battle. Although they are less obvious, avoidance spirals can also be destructive. Rather than fighting, the parties slowly lessen their dependence on one another, withdraw, and less invested in the relationship.
- - - - For example when conflict arises with coworkers, friends, and love ones, a competitive stance can make the situation worse
      - From my own experience When a conflict happens, my male friends tend to use violence to solve the problems, while female friends tend to use words instead. However, in some situations, I see that words might be even more hurt other than actions do. It hits you deep in your head, your mind and even your heart and the pain is extremely hard to go away. Psychological hurt compared to physical one is even more offensive.
    - - The quantities men and women have in common far outnumber their differences. Put another way, although men and women differ on average, most of us live somewhere in the middle, where masculine and feminine styles frequently overlap.
        
        For example men and women are roughly the same in terms of how much closeness they desire in relationships and the value they place on sharing ideas and feelings
  - - - For example in tradition African American culture, conflict is characterized by a greater tolerance for expressions of intense emotions. And ethnicity isn't the only factor that shapes a communicator's preferred conflict style; the degree of assimilation also plays an important role. For example, Latin with strong cultural identities tend to ask accommodation and compromise more than those with weaker cultural ties.
  - - - For example consider the difference between these two responses: When you kiss me an nibble on my ear while we are watching TV (behavior), I think you probably want to make love (interpretation), and I feel excited. Or [...(the same)... and I feel disgusted]
      - From my own experience Using the same situation above, then after listening his sayings to my work, I chose to tell him directly that if he thought my results were unreliable, he could choose other's one instead.
    - - what happens to the target of the message ("When you drink too much, you start to drive dangerously")
      - what happens to others ("When you play the radio so loud, it wakes up to the baby")
      - what happens to you, to the speaker ("when you tease me, I avoid")
    - - Requests of others: "I'd like to know whether you are angry" or "I hope you'll come again."I hope you'll come again"
      - Description of how you plan to act in the future: "Don't you expect me ever to lend you anything again"
      - Where you stand on an issue: "I want you to know how much this bothers me" or "I want you to know how much I appreciate your support"
    - - Behavioral description: You asked me to tell you what I really thought about your idea, and then when I gave it to you, you told me I was too critical
      - Evaluative judgement: Don't to be so touchy! It is hypocritical to ask for my opinion and then get mad when I give it to you
      - From my own experience It had happened to me once time, when my friend asked me to show my Mathematics answers to her, however, the she had tried to evaluate if my answer was correct or not, however, with defensive attitude and had not respect me at all.
  - - - From my own experience Since social media has developed, it comes up with several problems such as cyberbullying, which is one of the worst real situations nowadays.
    - - From my own experience Users have to be more awareness as well as careful when using social media, avoid sharing any personal information unless they will have trouble. Moreover, even sender and receiver both delete the messages or files, it is still available on the Internet, which can be re-found anytime.
    - - From my own experience Depending on the senders, sometimes I can choose to reply immediately or not; because mediated communication which by using social media, it allows users to delay a conversation, sometimes, it happens just because of laziness and then easily to make an excuse, while others cannot realize the the fact that others do not want to spend time talking with them.
  - - - Hinting at a message instead of expressing thoughts and feelings directly
        
        Although indirect communication lacks the clarity of an aggressive or assertive message, it involves more initiate than nonassertion. It also has on of the hostility of passive aggressive "crazymaking." The goal is to get what you want without arousing the hostility of the other person. Consider the case of the neighbor's loud music. One indirect approach would be to strike up a friendly conversation with the neighbor and ask if anything you are doing is too noisy for him, hoping with he will get the hint.
    - - A message that attacks the position an perhaps the dignity of the receiver
        
        Assertion Assertiveness represents a balance between self-interest and empathy. Assertive people handle conflicts by expressing their needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly but without judging others or dictating to them. They have the attitude that most of the time it is possible to resolve problems to everyone's satisfaction
    - - An indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness
        
        Jokers use humor as a weapon. An underhanded joker uses humor as an excuse to say unkind things and then claim innocence (Where's you sense of humor)
        
        Trivial tyrannizers do small things to drive you crazy. Rather than express his or her feelings outright, the trivial tyrannizer does annoying things such as "forgetting" to clean the kitchen or pass along a message as promised.
        
        Guiltmakers try to make you feel bad. A guiltmaker will agree to something and then make you feel responsible for the hardship it cause him or her (I will really should be studying, but I will give you a ride)
        
        Withholders keep back something valuable. A withholder punishes others by refusing to provide thoughtful gestures such as courtesy, affection, or humor.
        
        Pseudoaccommodators pretend to agree with you. A passively aggressive person might commit to something (I will be on time from now on) but not actually do it
    - - The ability or unwillingness to express one's thoughts or feelings. Sometimes people know how to communicate in a straightforward way but choose to behave nonassertively.
        
        For example women are less likely to clearly refuse unwanted request for physical intimacy from a dating partner they would like to see in the future than from one they don't want to see again
        
        From my own experience To me, for most of people. If they seem to be more likely interested in talking to someone, or moreover, have a special emotion with that person, they tend to be kind and express positive attitudes as well as would like to listen more. Besides, with whom they don't, they will tend to ignore or evade or maybe look at somewhere else instead of pay attention on the speaker's story.
- - - - There are truly scare resources and when only one party can achieve satisfaction
        
        For example if two suitors want to marry the same person, only one can succeed. And, to return to an earlier example, it is often true that only one applicant can be hired for a job. But don't be too willing to assume that your conflicts are necessarily win-lose: As you will soon read, many situations that seem to require a loser can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction
        
        From my own experience: For any examination, there will ones who have high score and ones who have low score. And then, the Scholarship Foundation will depend on it to make a decision to have a scholarship for whom.
    - - For example both parties strive to be winner, but as a result of the struggle, both end up losers. On the international scene, many thousands of lives, large amounts of resources, and a damaged national consciousness hasn't truly won much. On an interpersonal level the same principle holds true. Most of us have battles of pride in which both parties strike out and both suffer.
    - - People usually settle for compromises when they see partial satisfaction as the best they can hope for. Although a compromise may be better than losing everything, this approach hardly seems to deserve the positive image it has with some people.
      - Most of us are surrounded by the result of bad compromises. Consider the conflict between one person's desire to smoke cigarettes and another's need to breathe clean air. The win-lose outcomes of this conflict are obvious: Either the smoker abstains, or the nonsmoker gets polluted lungs-neither very satisfying. But a compromise in which the smoker gets to enjoy only a rare cigarette or must retreat outdoors and in which the nonsmoker still must inhale some fumes of feel like an ogre is hardly better.
        
        For example if a divorced couple compromises on child care by fighting over custody and then finally, grudgingly agrees to split the time with their children, it is hard to say that anybody has won
    - - Finding a win-win situation usually involves looking below the surface at what both parties are trying to achieve. Suppose you want a quite evening at home tonight and your partner wants to go a party. On the surface, only one of you get your way. You don't feel like getting dressed up and talking to a room full of people. Your partner isn't crazy about that part of it either would like to connect with two old friends who are going to be at the party.
- - - - Interdependence.However antagonistic they might feel toward each other. The welfare and satisfaction of one depend on the actions of another. After all, if they didn't need each other to solve the problem, they could solve it themselves or go their separate ways.
      - Perceived incompatible goals. Conflicts often look as if one party's gain will be another's loss. It helps to realize that goals often are not as oppositional as they seem.
        
        For example: you could achieve peace and quite by closing your windows and getting the neighbor to do the same. You might use earplugs. Or perhaps the neighbor could get a set of headphones and listen to the music at full volume without bothering anyone
      - Expressed struggle. Granted, there are times when we fume to ourselves rather than expressing our frustration. Actual interpersonal conflict requires that both parties know a disagreement exists, such as when you let the neighbor know that you don't appreciate the decibel level
      - Perceived scare resources. In a conflict, people often believe that there isn't enough of the desired resource to go around. That's one reason conflict so often involves money. Time is another scare commodity. As authors, we constantly struggle about how to use the limited time we have to spend.