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CHAPTER 7: UNDERSTANDING INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION (Communication…

- - - - People who approve of us bolster our feelings of self-esteem. Attraction has to be mutual to spark and maintain a relationship, though. And of course, we aren't drawn toward everyone who seems to like us. If we don't find the other person's attributes attractive, their interest can be turn-off.
    - - It is natural to admire people who are highly competent in something we care about. Forming relationships with talented and accomplished people can inspire us and provide flattering validation
    - - In most cases, we like people whose temperament, values, and life goals are similar to our own.
        
        For example the more alike a married couple's personalities are, the more likely they are to report being happy and satisfied in their marriage. Similarity is a factor in the early stages of friendship as well, when all we have go by is apperance
    - - People who reveal important information about themselves often seem more likable, provided of course that what they share is appropriate to setting and the stage of the relationship. Self-disclosure is appealing partly because people enjoy a sense of similarity, either in experience or attitudes
        
        For example experience (" I broke off an engagement, myself"), or attitudes (I feel nervous with strangers, too")
    - - The folk wisdom that "opposite attract" seems to contradict the similarity principle just described. In truth, both are valid. Different strengthen relationship when they are complementary-when each partner's characteristics satisfy other's needs
        
        For example: Relationships also work well on the partners agree that one will exercise control in certain areas ("You make the final decisions about money"), and the other will exercise control in different areas ("I will decide how er ought to decorate the place"). Strain occur when control issues are disputed
    - - In many case, proximity leads to liking.
        
        For example: We are more likely to develop friendships with close neighbors than with distant ones, and the chances are good that we'll choose a more with whom we cross paths often. Proximity allows us to get more information about people and to engage in more relationship-building behaviors together.
    - - Most people claim that we should judge others on the basis of character, not appearance. the reality, however, is quite the opposite-particularly in the relationships. People are more likely to show interest in others they consider physically attractive, both in person and online. This may be why physically unattractive people (based on reviewer rankings) are more likely than others to enhance the photos they post online dating sites, although they usually report truthfully about other detail of lives.
    - - Some social scientists argue that all relationships- both impersonal and personal- are based on a semi-economic model social exchange theory( the ideal that we seek out people who can give us rewards that we are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them.
  - - - For example: physical factors that catch our eye at first glance aren't study preferred to date muscular men, they considered men with average body shapes to be more appealing candidates for marriage. As one social scientist put in, "attractive features may open doors, but apparently, it takes more than physical beauty to keep them open"
    - - We like people who are attractive and talented, but we are uncomfortable around those we are too perfect.
        
        For example: College students in one study were twice as likely to choose a very nice stranger over a very smart one. The researchers concluded that, if people had to choose, most would rather spend time with a "lovable fool" than " competent jerk"
    - - Evidence shows that we befriend people whose interests and attitudes seem similar to our own. This is partly an illusion, however. We tend to overestimate how similar we are to our friends and underestimate how similar we are to people we don't know well
        
        For example In reality, there is strong evidence that superficial similarities such as appearance do not predict long-term happiness with a relationship, and when we are willing to communicate with a range of people, our differences are not usually as great as we thought
    - - We can imagine such compatibility algorithms for finding friends as well. However, the long-term success of people matched by computer algorithms is no greater than that of people who meet on their town. That's because how people interact with each other once they start a relationship and encounter stressful issues
      - A few lessons emerge from these observations. One is to break free of your comfort zone and five new people a chance. Another is that when you are the person who seems different from others, you can help reduce the stranger barrier by being friendly and approachable and letting people get to know the real you
- - - - Sibling relationships involve an interwoven, and often paradoxical, collection of emotions. Children are likely to feel both intense loyalty and fierce competition with their brothers and sisters and to be both loving and antagonistic toward them.
        
        From my own experience: Siblings relationship is so different from others, even though we can quarrel with each other, then everything will be normal like nothing had happened and love each other.
    - - Children more often reach adulthood knowing not only their grandparents but their great-grandparents. Children who interact frequently with their grandparents are more likely than others to remain in close contact with them later life.
        
        From my own experience: My relationship to grandparents is quite normal, because we live far away from each other when I was young, therefore, I don 't have a chance to talk much to them. However, I still love them so much and visit them in special occasions.
    - - If you grow up in a family that emphasized the role of conversation is problem-solving, evidence suggests that you are most likely to engage in that strategy with other as an adult. By contrast, if the emphasis was on conformity, you are more likely to think people should follow the rules without questioning them.
  - - - Short-term Vs Long-term
        
        Short-term friends tend to change as our lives do. We say good bye because we move, graduate, switch jobs, or changes lifestyles. Perhaps we partly less or spend more time off the ball field that we used to.
        Long-term friends are with us even when they aren't. These friendships tend to to survive changes and distance. Particularly today, as long as the trust and a sense of connection are there, they feel as close to their long-term friends who live far away as to those who are nearby
        
        From my own experience When studying abroad, I have some foreign friends who were my housemates, however, when they moved out and go to other state, it is hard to close to them like as them time we were living together in the same house.
      - Low Disclosure Vs High Disclosure
        
        Some of your friends know more about you than others. Self-disclosure is associated with greater levels of intimacy such that only a few confidants are likely to know your deepest secrets
      - Youthful Vs Mature
        
        Some elements of friendship hold true across the life span
        
        For instance self-disclosure is typical in close relationships from childhood to old age. But in other ways, the nature of friendships varies as the participants mature
      - Doing-Oriented Vs Being-Oriented
        
        Some friends experience closeness, "in the doing". That is, they enjoy performing tasks or attending events together and feel closer because of those shared experiences. Other friendship are "being-oriented". For these friends, the main focus is on being together, and they might get together just to talk or hang out
        
        From my own experience: I think for some people, they just make friend with others because they don't want to be alone, or basically just need some one to hang out such as going shopping together.
      - Low Obligation Vs High Obligation
        
        There are some friends for whom we would do just about anything. For others, we may feel a lower sense of obligation, both in terms of what we would do for them and how quickly we would do it. Cultural elements may affect this sense
        
        For example: friends raised in a low-context such as the US are more likely than those raised in high-context culture such as China to express their appreciation for a friend out loud. The Chinese are more likely to express themselves indirectly, mostly often by doing favors for friends and by showing gratitude and reciprocity when friends do favors for them.
        
        From my own experience Because of the culture difference, as a result I always adjust my behaviors and attitudes, which is to more suitable with friends who are from high-context and ones who are from low-context. Which to avoid mis-communication among each other
      - Frequent Contact Vs Occasional Contact
        
        You probably keep in close touch with some friends. Perhaps you work out, travel, socialize, or Skype daily with them. Other friendships have less frequent contact-maybe an occasional phone call or text message. Of course, infrequent contact doesn't always correlate with levels of disclosure or obligation. Many close friends may see each other only once a year, but they pick right back up in terms of the breadth and depth of their shared information
      - Same Sex Vs Other Sex
        
        Friendship varies, to some extent, by sex. Same-sex friendships between men typically involve good-natured competition and a focus on tasks and events. whereas female friends tend to treat other more as equals and to engage in emotional and support support and self-disclosure. It can work out well when we bring these expectations to our other-sex friendships.
        
        From my own experience: Because of different styles of communication, so when making friends with men, which make me think more simple than making friends with women. Men tend not to think everything complicatedly, which most of women do...
      - In-person Vs Mediated
        
        The average person has many more online friends than physical ones-double the amount, according to one report. Quantity isn't the only difference between mediated and offline friendships, however. It turns out that online-only friendships may carry a greater risk of deception or hostility
        
        From my own experience: I try not to make friend through social media, because it might be dangerous, which others can tell lies and you have no ways to realize that
  - - - intimacy: A state of closeness between two (or sometimes more) people, intimacy can be manifested several ways, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and via shared activities
    - - Love languages
        
        Some intimacy styles have less to do with sex or gender than with personal preferences.
      - Affirming Words
        
        Includes compliments, thanks, and statements that express love and commitment.
      - Quality Time
        
        Some people show love by completing tasks together, talking, or engaging in some other mutually, enjoyable activity.
        
        For example partners separated by military developments often say they feel closer to each other just talking about everyday activities and future plans
      - Acts of Service
        
        People may show love by performing favors such as caring for each other when they are sick, doing the dishes, making meals, and so on.
      - Gifts
        
        It is no coincidence that we buy gifts for loved ones Valentine's Day and other occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries. For some people, receiving a gift-even inexpensive or free one such as a flower from the garden or a handmade card-adds to their sense of being loved and valued
      - Physical Touch
        
        Loving touch may involve a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back, or having sex. For some people, touch is such a powerful indicator of intimacy that even an incidental touch can spur interest.
    - - Bonding
        
        Likely to involve a wedding, a commitment ceremony, or some other public means of communicating. to the world that this is a relationship and demonstrates a strong sense of commitment and exclusivity
      - Differentiating
        
        Not all relationships last forever
      - Integrating
        
        couples begin to take on an identity as a social unit. Invitations come addressed to the couple
      - Circumscribing
      - Intensifying
        
        truly interpersonal relationship develop as people begin to express how they feel about each other
      - Stanaging
      - Experimenting
        
        when they begin to get acquainted through "small talk"
      - Avoiding
      - Initiating
        
        occurs when people first encounter each other
      - Terminating
        
        Relational development involve risk and vulnerability
        
        Partners can change the direction a relationship is headed
        
        Even stage requires different types of communication
      - developmental model: (of relational maintenance) Theoretical frameworks based on the idea that communication patterns are different in various stages of interpersonal relationship
- - - - self-disclosure: The process of deliberately revealing information about one-self that is significant and that would not normally be known by others
    - - Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at hand?
      - Is the disclosure reciprocated?
      - Is the risk of disclosing reasonable
      - Will the effect be constructive
      - Is the disclosure appropriate
      - Is the self-disclosure clear and understandable?
      - Is other person important to you?
  - - - Altenation
      - Polarization
      - Selection
      - Segmentation
      - Disorientation
      - Moderation
      - Denial
      - Reaffirmation
        
        Partners can be in sync in some ways, but not in others
        
        Some approaches are more conducive to relational satisfaction
        
        Relationships involve continual change and negotiation
  - - - Sometimes we indicate feelings of affinity explicitly, but more often the clues are nonverbal, such as a pat on the back or a friendly smile
    - - Control can be distributed evenly among relational partners, or one person can have more and the others less
    - - Respect and affinity might seem identical, but they are actually different dimensions of relationship
        
        For example you might like a 3-year-old child tremendously without respecting him/her. Likewise you could respect a boss or teacher's talent without liking him or her.
    - - immediacy is different than affinity
        
        For example You may like someone, but if you don't communicate or demonstrate that feeling toward the other person, immediacy will be low
- - - - For example The computer programmer's brainstorming session is a good example of effective task-related communication. But there's no evidence that the colleague's have a close personal attachment.
      - From my own experience: We cannot avoid some problems which inevitably occur in our life, then being able to communicate well with others is often essential and really important to improve self-social skill
  - - - Online communication can be validating
        
        One appealing quality of online communication is its potential to convey social support
        
        From my own experience In the age of technology, mediated communication is a part of human's life. For example, in the gap time waiting for verification of something, such as having Social Security Card, the government can contact to you via email, which to notify to any more information about your card.
      - Electronic communication often has a pause option
        
        Drawbacks of Online Communication
        
        Many forms of mediated communication are asynchronous, meaning that they allow you to think about messages before sending them.
        
        From my own experience: As being use English for studying as other things in my life, which is not my first language, mediate communication allows me to have time to think and correct before sending the messages to others. Which can help me avoiding mis-communication among others.
        
        phubbing: A mixture of the words phone and snubbing used to describe episodes in which people pay more attention to their devices than they do to the people around them
      - Mediated communication can feel nonthreatening
        
        For some people, particularly those who are introverted, mediated channels make it easier to build close relationship
        
        From my own experience: Sometimes, it is easy for me to text to others that talk to them in-person. Because I am basically not good at talking in front of many people, which makes me so nervous.
      - Mediated channels enable communication that would not happen
        
        When people are far away from each other or have different routines, technology can help them stay connected
        
        From my own experience: Thanks to social media, I can keep in touch with my family, friends in my home country when studying abroad. For example, I not only hear their voice, but I also be able to see their faces.