Chapter 8

Understanding Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict- An expressed struggle between at least 2 interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals

  1. Interdependence, parties involved usually dependent on one another
  1. Perceived Incompatible Goals
  1. Expressed Struggle - both parties know a disagreement exists (ex. when you let your neighbor know their loud music is bothering you)
  1. Perceived Scarce Resources - Ex. money, time

Communication Climates in Interpersonal Relationships

Communication Climate- The emotional tone of a relationship as it is expressed in the messages that the partners send and recieve

Ex. Class environments, some are friendly while others are cold and tense

Confirming Messages - Actions and words that express respect and show that we value the other person

  1. Show recognition (ex. returning phone messages)
  1. Acknowledge the persons thoughts and feelings
  1. Show that you agree (ex. " I can see why your so angry" when a friend has an angry outburst)

Disconfirming Messages- Words and actions that express a lack of caring or respect for another person

Partners are defensive

One or both partners engage in stonewalling

  1. Partners show contempt (ex. "You're disgusting")
  1. Partners criticize each other - (ex. "You're lazy")

Criticism- a message that is personal, all encompassing and accusatory

Contempt- verbal and nonverbal messages that ridicule or belittle the other person

Ex.(You're calling me lazy? You're the one who never helps out!"

Defensiveness- Protecting oneself by counterattacking the other person

Ex. Walking away

Stonewalling- Refusing to engage with the other person

How Communication Climates Develop

Relational Spiral- A reciprocal communication pattern in which each persons message reinforces the others (ex. a significant other refusing to talk about an issue so in return the other becomes distant and frustrated as well)

Escalatory Spiral- A reciprocal pattern of communication in which messages, either confirming or disconfirming, between two or more communicators reinforce one another

Avoidance Spiral- A communication Spiral in which the parties slowly reduce their dependence on one another, withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship.

Approaches to Conflict

Nonassertion - The inability or unwillingness to express ones thoughts and feelings, can take a variety of forms such as avoidance and accommodation

Indirect Communication - hinting at a message instead of expressing thoughts and feelings directly (ex. yawing to hint to someone its time for them to leave)

Passive Aggression- an indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness

Jokers use humor as a weapon (ex. someone saying something mean and saying it was just a joke)

Trivial Tyrannizers do small things to drive you crazy. (ex. "forgetting" to do lots of things)

Guiltmakers try to make you feel bad. (ex. "I really need to ___ but sure ill help you out.")

Withholders keep back something valuable, such as refusing to provide thoughtful gestures, kindness, humor or affection.

1, Pseudoaccomadators pretend to agree with you. (ex. someone saying "Ill work on ___" but not actually doing it

Direct Aggression - A message that attacks the position and perhaps the dignity of the reciever (ex. "that was so stupid of you."

Assertive Communication - A style of communicating that directly expresses the senders needs, thoughts or feelings, delivered in a way that does not attack the reciever

Characteristics of an Assertive Message

  1. Describe your feelings
  1. Describe the consequences
  1. Share you interpretation of the other persons behavior
  1. State your intentions
  1. Describe the behavior in question

Gender and Conflict Style

Origins of gender differences include biology, evolution and culture.

Conflict Dilemmas, cultural norms create problems for men and woman. woman face a double standard. judged more harshly if assertive but overlooked if not. Men can be seen as aggressive in close relationships

Commonalities outweigh differences in men and woman

Culture has influences on conflict, such as how to deal with it (ex. rational, calm and assertive approach is norm for European Americans)

Conflicts in Online Comm. are delay, dis-inhibition and permanence

Managing Interpersonal Conflicts

Methods for Conflict Resolution

Win Lose - An approach to conflict resolution in which one party reaches his or her goal at the expense of another (ex. Stop misbehaving or go to your room)

Lose Lose- an approach to conflict resolution in which neither party achieves its goals (ex. military victory but loss of lives, resources, and damages national consciousness)

Compromise - an approach to conflict resolution in which both parties attain at least part of what they seek by giving something up (ex. "we can listen to the radio but im going to pick what we listen to"

Win-win- all the parties work together to satisfy all their goals (ex. partner wants to party you want to stay in, you invite some friends over for the evening)

Steps in Win-Win Problem Solving

  1. Make a Date
  1. Describe your Problem and Needs
  1. Explore your unmet needs
  1. Check your Partners Understanding
  1. Identify Your Problem
  1. Solicit your partners needs
  1. Check Your understanding of your partners needs
  1. Discuss ways to meet your common goals
  1. Follow up on the solution

identify and Define the conflict

Generate a number of possible solutions

Evaluate the alternative solutions

Decide on the best solution