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Conflict (Cole (1996) states that there are five types of conflict in…

- - - - For example
        
        If a couple has been dating for a while, one of the partners may want to marry as a sign of love while the other decides he/she wants to see other people.
  - - - For instance
        
        Julie, a Christian Scientist, does not believe in seeking medical intervention, but believes that prayer can cure illness. Jeff, a Catholic, does believe in seeking conventional medical attention as treatment for illness.
  - - - For instance
        
        Julie and Jeff, a conflict of interest about what to do concerning their children’s medical needs results from differing religious values.
  - - - Marsha and Victoria, a long-term couple, are both invited to a party. Victoria declines because she has a big presentation at work the next morning and wants to be well rested
        
        For example
        
        At the party, their mutual friends Michael and Lisa notice Marsha spending the entire evening with Karen. Lisa suspects Marsha may be flirting and cheating on Victoria, but Michael disagrees and says Marsha and Karen are just close friends catching up. Michael and Lisa are observing the same interaction but have a disagreement about what it means.
  - - - For instance
        
        As a17 year old living at home you might argue with your parents about what time to be home on a Friday night
        
        In my Experience
        
        It remind when I was teenager, my family never let me late. The time curfew was 7pm and wasn't happy upset about that rule. I was saying oh God when I will be adult so no one will tell me what to do!
- - - - which we view conflict this way, we believe that it is a threat to the established order of the relationship.
- - - - These management styles can be plotted on a grid with one access being the degree to which you are invested in the needs and desired outcomes and the lower/horizontal axis is about the degree to which you are invested in the relationship.
- - - - Issue unimportant, No time, Winning impossible, other has power, Emotions high, Value collisions, Not enough information, Harmony worth it, It's not your problem.
    - - Miss creative solutions, Will resurface in worse form, No closure, Self is denied, Encourages further avoidance, Unmet needs, Repressed anger.
- - - - Remember: People are NOT the problem. The problem is to find a satisfactory solution to the conflict.
        
        Identify your problem and unmet needs to yourself (What do you want? = “Wants” and Why do you want it? = “Needs”)
        
        Make a date with them to find the right time to talk about the problem
        
        Describe your problem and needs to them using I-Language
        
        Ask them to paraphrase you to make sure they understand what you said
        
        Ask them what they want and need (What do they want and why do they want it?)
        
        Paraphrase their wants and needs to be sure you understand them
        
        Negotiate a solution
        a. Identify and define the conflict (Wants vs Needs)
        b. Generate a number of possible solutions
        c. Evaluate the alternative solutions
        d. Decide on the best solutions
        
        Follow-up on the solution to see if modifications are needed
        
        Questiion
        
        I was confused at the first time when I read people are not the problem, but I understand now.
        
        It is interested topic or idea because I was thinking people are the problem, but not. I think I was not pay attention about argument between the two people.
- - - - This is an excellent tool to use when you need to confront someone, especially if they have power in the situation. While this is a formula, the steps and language are important to its success:
        
        observable behavior
        
        Being careful to not use evaluative language. This first step is just like the first step of a perception check.
        
        Offer your interpretation of the other person’s behavior.
        
        This is like the perception check. State why you think they are engaged in the behavior. Go ahead and offer two interpretations if you want.
        
        Describe how their behavior makes you feel.
        
        While this is a consequence of the behavior it is important to state your feelings separate from the other consequences.
        
        Describe the consequences of their current and ongoing behavior.
        
        These consequences could be to you, to them and/or to others.
        
        Describe your intentions
        
        This is a statement of how you will respond if the behavior continues. This statement could be a request.
        
        "Chris, yesterday you called my friend an FOB (fresh off the boat)(DESCRIPTION) I think you think you were being funny (INTERPRETATION) but I was really offended and upset by your comment (FEELING). When you make jokes like that it hurts other people and makes you look bad (CONSEQUENCE). Please don't make racist jokes around me. (INTENTION)."