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Difficult Conversations (Have an opinion (Express it (People respect it,…

- - - - Explore each
        others stories
        
        How?
        
        Avoid blame
        
        How to overcome?
        
        Think about
        contributions
        
        Yours
        
        2 more items...
        
        Theirs
        
        Don't judge them harsher than yourself
        
        Why?
        
        Switches people off
        
        Results in a defensive response
        
        Don't assume
        
        Why?
        
        Can hold an
        alternative truth
        
        We notice different things
        
        We have different experiences
        
        We apply rules without thinking
        and then judge people based on them
        
        We are kinder to
        ourselves than others
        
        Not a saint
        
        What bias are you brining?
        
        How to overcome?
        
        Avoid any judgement
        
        Stay open
        
        Listen
        
        Move from certainity to curiosity
        
        What is it?
        
        Intentions
        
        Outcome != intention
        
        People just don't think about you
        as much as you think about you
        
        Motivations are complex
        
        Don't assume a shared knowledge of events
        
        Being honest
        about my intention
        
        Are you only picking information
        to match your conclusion?
        
        We are kinder to
        ourselves than others
        
        Reflect
        
        Tactical empathy
        
        Be curious about their side
        
        Encourage them to speak
        
        Avoid getting defensive
        
        Don't need to agree
        
        Why?
        
        Issues are complex
        
        We all have bias
        
        No one sees the full picture
        
        Our past shapes so much
        of how we interpret events
        
        You
        
        Them
      - Disentangle
        intent from impact
        
        Why?
        
        Unintended impact
        
        Everyone is wrapped up in themselves
        
        Blind spot in their thinking
        
        To hear what
        they are saying
        
        Being hurt gets in the way
        
        Don't only focus on you
        
        How to overcome?
        
        Don't assume
        intentions from the impact
        
        Why?
        
        We assume bad intentions == bad character
        
        We assume the worst from
        them but the best from us
        
        Accusing them
        of bad intentions
        creates defensiveness
        
        Both parties think they are the victim
        
        People stop listening
        
        How to ovecome?
        
        Build a hypothesis
        
        Ask yourself three questions:
        
        What did the other person actually say or do?
        
        What was the impact of this on me?
        
        What assumption about them am I making?
        
        Empathy
        
        Inquire
        about their intentions
        
        Be ready for them getting defensive
        
        Ask but don't accuse
        
        Share your hypothesis
        
        Your hypothesis
        
        Share the impact it had
        
        Share but don't accuse
        
        Remember you could be wrong
        
        But my
        intentions where good...
        
        Why?
        
        Doesn't negate tje impact of those intentions
        
        Getting defensive makes it easier
        to miss what the other person is saying
        
        Where our motivations purely good?
        
        How to ovecome?
        
        Listen for...
        
        What happened?
        
        How do they feel about it?
        
        Avoid getting defensive
        
        Reflect on your intentions
      - Avoid blaming
        the other party
        
        Why?
        
        Looks for one
        party to be at fault
        
        Other party gets defensive
        
        Prevents learning
        
        Looks backwards
        
        Can leave a
        bad system in place
        
        Person removed
        
        Causes remain
        
        How to overcome?
        
        Look for contributions
        
        Why?
        
        Interactive
        
        Both parties can share
        
        Avoids judgement
        
        Gets the to root of the problem
        
        Easier to raise
        
        Avoid
        
        Focusing only on my contributions
        
        Putting aside my feelings
        
        Blaming the "victim"
        
        How?
        
        Reflect together
        
        Map your contributions
        
        Map their contributions
        
        Role reversal
        
        3rd party insights
        
        Help them see
        their contributions
        
        Make your observations and reasoning explicit
        
        Tell me them what you would have them do differently
        
        Overcome defensiveness by telling them how their change will help you change
        
        Hidden contributions
        
        Avoiding the problem until now
        
        Being unapproachable
        
        Missing the background
        
        Making about your/their role and responsibilities
        
        Reflect
    - - Can't progress if you don't understand what happened
      - Don't know all the facts
      - Person can hold an alternative truth than you
      - Issues are complex and we want simple
      - We all have bias
      - You/Them might have acted and caused unintended impact
  - - - Don't ignore
        your feelings
        
        Why?
        
        Can make it harder to listen
        
        Feeling leak
        into the conversation
        
        In big ways through uncontrolled outbursts
        
        In small ways through the judgements we make
        
        When not expressed
        they poison the relationship
        
        Ignoring affects our self-esteem
        
        How?
        
        Understand what
        you are feeling
        
        Feeling are complex
        
        Be honest with yourself
        
        Understand your
        emotional footprint
        
        What feelings do you feel shame about expressing?
        
        What feelings are ok to express?
        
        Feelings are normal
        
        Good people can have bad feelings
        
        My feelings are just as important as their feelings
        
        Explore how you feel
        
        Label the feelings
        
        Can feel more than one at once
        
        Use your attributions, judgements and accusations about events to dig into your feelings
      - Understand the
        range of your feelings
        
        How?
        
        Use tactial empathy
        
        Question yur assumptions about intent
        
        Look for contributions from bth sides to current feeling
        
        Why?
        
        To understand how you feel
        
        To understand why you feel what you do
      - Don't
        just vent
        
        How?
        
        Don't ignore your feelings
        
        Express your feelings (all your feelings)
        
        Don't make judgements
        
        Understand both sides can have feelings
        
        Say: "I feel..." to ensure that you actually talk about the feeling
        
        Why?
        
        Venting is about blaming
        
        Avoid a defensive response
        
        Emotions shouldn't be weapons
      - Seek acknowledgement
        
        Why?
        
        We share our feelings because we want the other party to understand the impact - them acknowledging ensures they do
        
        We need to show the other party we hear them
    - - We all feel but society pretends we don't
      - Often feeling hurt is the root of the issue
      - We are afraid incase the other party dismisses it
      - Can feel that we need to be tougher
  - - - Ground your identity
        before the conversation
        
        How?
        
        You are complex
        
        Craft an image of you that includes this complexity
        
        No is always something
        
        Know your
        identity issues
        
        Where do you feel weak
        
        What shaped your identity
        
        It's going to take time
        
        Seek out trusted external input
        
        Accept yourself
        
        You make mistakes
        
        Your intentions are complex
        
        You have contributed to the conversation
        
        Avoid all or nothing thinking
        
        Don't deny everything
        
        Don't accept everything
        
        Why?
        
        Knowingg who you are makes it
        harder to be knocked off course
        
        Stay in the conversation
      - During the conversation regain balance if identity is attacked
        
        Why?
        
        Even if you don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't true
        
        The other person might be lashing out
        
        Other people don't have
        same view of you as you do
        
        How?
        
        Let go of trying to control their reaction
        
        Prepare for how
        they might react
        
        Work through the possible conversations
        
        Understand how what they say could affect you
        
        Take a break
        
        Better to leave than to say/do something you come to regret
        
        Not a sign of weakness
        
        Understand if what they have said is valid
    - - Self image of being "a good person"
      - Being called out for doing the wrong thing
- - - - Make time
      - Deep dive
- - - - Ok to call people out