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Never Split The Difference (Main recurring themes or highlights (LISTEN!,…

- - - - Amateur to think of negotiations as a battle of arguments. Often both sides are either a) thinking about arguments in their head or b) talking aka saying those arguments. Both sides are negotiating with self induced schizophrenia. To solve - instead of structuring your argument, make the sole purpose and focus of early conversations on the other person and actively hear what they have to say. This will stop the voices in your head and calm/disarm them because they will feel heard and safe. Remember - Slow it down. Validate their emotions. Create trust.
      - MIRROR. It creates rapport, but most importantly it unconsciously and inconspicuously triggers them to elaborate. It gives you the ability to disagree without being disagreeable. If you ask someone "What do you mean?" or "how so?" for example, you will be met with much more irritation or defensiveness. Start with "I'm sorry, (mirror), and then give some silence. I don't think you always need "I'm sorry" but the point is to say it as if you are misunderstanding their statement. An inquisitive, "please help me understand," tone.
      - A good negotiator will be ready for surprises. A great negotiator goes in with the aim of using these skills to reveal the surprises.
      - The less important they make themselves the more important they are, and vice versa. There is always a team on the other side. Make sure you are influencing the decision makers
      - Remember to see why and how they made this decision in the past. This is a great indicator of how they will make it in the future.
      - Buying or selling are in the top 5 most stressful things in a persons life. This doens't get resolved by reasoning or logic. But being listened to helps relevie stress. Its the same concept as therapy.
    - - Three voice tones
        
        Late night fm DJ voice to relax and calm them. Makes a point, seems authoritative and confident, is trustworthy.
        
        Positive playful voice - This should be default. Shows you are easygoing and good-natured. You are light and encouraging.
        
        Direct and assertive - Used rarely, will cause problems and pushback. (Doesn't really say where to use that one)
      - Every moment we are signaling something to the world. It's involuntary neurological telepathy. Understanding that reflex and putting it into practice can be the most critical factor in negotiation and in life.
      - Vocal inflection down exudes confidence and control. Vocal inflection up comes across as uncertain. It can make a statement sound like a question, and therefore invite in the other person to take the reigns.
      - People focus so much on what to say or do and when to say or do it. This is ridiculous because you can never script a negotiation. The most influential thing you can immediately influence is how we are, but what we say or do. As in our general demeanor and delivery. Remember - What we say is only a small percentage of how language is perceived. Body language is the most important ~60%, followed by tone ~35%, and then finally, the actual words ~5%. Our brains process and understand the feelings and intentions of others even more so than their words and even actions.
    - - Remember what we say is only part of it. Tone and body language say so much more. If what they say doesn't line up with how they say it then label it in the same style as above.
      - If you sense they are lying or just saying yes to get you off their back, get them to agree to it a few more times by asking the same question in different ways. "what is the biggest thing we are up against?" "what do we do if we face ...?" (summarize and ask them if that's correct for number 3) trigger a "that's right" The idea is that it is hard to lie or fake conviction.
      - Establish a baseline with small talk. This lets you see how they act when they are comfortable and telling the truth. From there it will be easier to pick up signals when they are uncomfortable. Typically a person will have one way they act comfortable and many tells that signal discomfort, fidgeting, looking around etc. The "tells" can mean a few things. Lying, discomfort, intrigue. Don't just call it out "you're lying" but say something like "it seems that something about that bothered you" Then LISTEN. Since the tell could mean many different things, they will have to tell you which. It does no good to sniff out a tell and then not listen to the answer. They will let you know if you are right or if it is something else. either way good info.
      - When lying or uncomfortable you use way more words than normal. You also use way more pro-nouns to distance themselves, them, him, her etc. This is like when you talk and talk to try and convince someone of something and it just starts to do more harm than good. Less equals more.
      - Along with the fact listed above with pronouns - the smart negotiator will distance themselves with pronouns. That way they are never pinned down. When someone is using "I" "me" "my" they are either not good at negotiating or not important.
- - - - "We just want to do what's fair" - Makes them feel discomfort and defensive and subconsiously think they need to make a concession. DEFEND - If someone is using "fair" on you. Say sorry, Let's go back to where I was being unfair and we can fix it.
      - "We gave you a fair offer" - essentially a way to volley back a negotiation without making a move. DEFEND this when coming to you by saying "fair?" it is a mirror that throws it back in their court to justify their statement (Later in the book he says that using "very fair" implies that disagreeing with the offer makes you "unfair" and is a good way to piss off the other person. Maybe be gentle with this tactic.)
      - "I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So stop me at anytime you feel you are being treated unfairly" - This is his favorite use. Sets you up to look like an honest dealer.
    - - What it is
        
        People are more likely to take something in certainty than something with more risk and less probability even though it's the best decision.
        
        Something you are trying to get is valued less than the something you are trying to sell. Even if it's the same thing. It's called loss aversion. They will take greater risks to prevent losing something they have than to gain something they don't. It is important to not only show someone what they will gain in a deal, but what they stand to lose if it doesn't come together. When talking to people use the phrase "not lose" instead of "gain" or "keep."
        
        It is the emotional component of perspective changing what it rational. This can help you get more by changing perception.
      - How to use it
        
        Anchor their emotions - Accusation audit acknowledging their fears and possibly your mistakes if you did them. They are know prepping for loss. This inflames their loss aversion sense. Set their expectations low and for a loss. Know what you offer them seems good. great example on 129. He uses it to explain how they are going from a per diem of 2k to 500, instead of just saying now you get 500.
        
        Never go first. But also prepare yourself psychologically for their extreme anchor. You can also set the anchor without an actual number, by doing things like saying "you're not going to like this" or saying how bad it will be.
        
        Establish a range, or allude to one. Also a tactic when going first. It helps bend reality. A range gets across your expectation without making a move and getting the other party defensive. Also remember they will naturally anchor themselves on the opening number in the range. I'm thinking of getting paid a range of $130k-100k. Now to them 100k seems cheap. as opposed to just saying, i want 100k.
        
        Move to non monetary terms after the anchor is established. This keys in on the fairness segment of the brain. Start throwing in things that aren't important to you. You can also straight up ask them what else is important to them. Sometimes this is a collaborative brainstorm, and thats ok. You can also ask for these terms too. If they can't meet them sometimes they will just give you more money.
        
        Use numbers that are exact and odd numbers. They seem more calculated and immovable than just throwing out a number.
        
        Surprise with a gift. Anything you can do to give something unwarranted kicks in their subconscious need for reciprocity.
        
        Ask, "how am I supposed to do that?" "How" is powerful. (see CREATE THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL section)
        
        Define what "success" in terms of this agreement look like. Get the other side interested and invested in it's/your success. (more like a boss/employee scenario) Ask "what does it take to be successful here" If your successful, they look good. I guess the lesson is also "how can I make you look good" to someone who can then make your life better. angel's story about this on page 137.
        
        Create a deadline - It's benficial to have deadlines, but don't worry about too much about them yourself. When has a missed deadline ever had a negative repercussion in negotiation. Don't fall to the false boogeyman. Knowing the deadlines prevents the likelyhood of coming to an impasse. It moves things along quicker if the other side knows they need a real deal quicker.
        
        Humanize yourself by using your own name in the conversation. It is forced empathy and makes the other side see you as a person.
- - - - What about this works (doesn't work) for you?
      - How does this look to you?
      - What caused you to do that? (as opposed to why did you do that?)
      - What about this is important to you?
      - How can I help make this better for us?
      - How would you like me to proceed?
      - What is the objective?
      - How can we solve this problem?
      - How am I supposed to do that?
      - Don't say things like "house is overpriced" say things like "here are the comps everyone is looking at" this let them figure out that the house is overpriced themselves.
      - How can we raise that much?
      - How does this affect the rest of your team? How on board are the others on your board?
      - Remember to prepare these in advance!! But don't script. You will lose nimbleness. Only a few moves in advance at most.
    - - "how am I supposed to do that?"
      - "Your offer is very generous, im sorry, that just doesnt work for me."
      - "Im sorry, but im afraid I just cant do that"
      - "Im sorry, no"
    - - Why would you do business with me?
      - Why would you change from your existing supplier?
- - - - Time = money. getting the solution perfect isnt as important as just getting it done.
      - Love winning, direct, candid.
      - Dont care if you like them or how things are going
      - Most of all want to be heard. Not only that, but will not listen until they know theyve been heard. Need to focus on what they have to say, beucase they only way through that wall is when they are convinced they have been heard and understood.
      - Mirrors, calibrated questions, labels and summaries work well. Most important thing is to get them to a "thats right"
      - Not tit for tat. They will assume anything they have been given they deservd. They will not reciprocate.
    - - When they are silent it is becuase they are thinking, not becuase they are mad. Not to be confused with the make friends group. If they are silent or see oyu as silent it is seen as disruptive.
      - Willing to take as much time as it takes. Time=preparaion
      - Rarely show emotion. seem cold.
      - Very much tit for tat. if they give something they expect to receive something.
      - Respond well to labels. not quick to open ended questions becuase they need to evaluate.
      - Often will analyze for two weeks instead of conversing for 15 minutes to figure out the same data.
    - - All about building relationships.
      - They see silence as disruptive, unlike the anaylsst.
      - Sociable, peace-seeking, distractible.
      - Use calibrated questions to translate their talk into implementable action.
      - May leave areas of concern not addressed becuase they dont want to create conflict. You may need to bring them up yourself with labels.
      - Time = relationships