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Daniel Howell's Diary (Chapters (1 (Dear Diary, This is kinda weird.…
Daniel Howell's Diary
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Chapters
1
Dear Diary, This is kinda weird. Writing about my feelings, but maybe it will help me in some way.
Dan
2
Dear Diary, Hello again. I can't stop thinking about death. Maybe this is normal to some extent. But I can't stop. I'm wondering about what would happen if Phil died, or if I died. Dan
3
Dear Diary,
Phil is taking me out on a date today. I'm excited, even if we are just going to a movie. Movie dates are my favorite because no one can see you hold hands or kiss when you're in the dark.
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4
After the movie, I slept in Phil's bed. He wrapped his arms around me and played with my hair. I love him so much.
5
Phil cut himself by accident with a knife while we were attempting to cook. It took all of my control not to start crying right then.
6
Phil was going to sleep in bed tonight. He couldn't sleep, so he let me stay here by myself. I had a nightmare, so I went to go find Phil. He fell asleep in the kitchen, taking my cereal. I carried him back to bed. In the morning I'll have to confront him about him taking my cereal.
7
I confronted Phil about my cereal. He blushed and said he was sorry, but I just had the best taste in cereal. He gave me a kiss and swung me into his arms. I remember him telling me how much he loves me.
8
Phil is really cute. He doesn't see it sometimes, but I love him anyway. We stayed up last night binging Buffy. I fell asleep on his lap but woke up in his bed. Our 7th anniversary is coming up soon.
9
Today is our anniversary. We've been dating for 7 years. That's really long to be dating, but we were really young when we started dating so we wanted to take it a little bit slower. Maybe he will propose this year. We couldn't wear the rings in public though. I would put mine on a necklace.
10
Phil didn't propose. We spent the day doing fun romantic things. We ended the day by kissing on the London Eye. No one could see.
11
I filmed another video today. It's about anniversaries. I talked about how one date can be given such importance by some people, but mean nothing to others. I can already see the comments thinking it's about Phil. It is, but not the point.
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13
I'm depressed again. Phil was up late, so I slept in my own bed, by myself. He just didn't want to disturb me, but I hate being alone.
14
Phil had to go out for the day. He had to buy something or meet someone probably. So, I was here alone all day. Now there are some small cuts on my thighs. For some reason, I don't regret doing it. Normally, I feel bad later on.
15
Phil didn't tell me what he did yesterday. It must have been something that would upset me. I don't know.
16
Are you alive? Will someone ever see this? Do I matter? Does the diary care about my existence, or does it get offended that I'm writing in it?
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18
We filmed another video today for the gaming channel. Dil died. I'm really sad because he genuinely felt like me and Phil's son. We could never raise an actual child, but Dil sort of filled that hole in my heart.
19
I went back through a box I hide under my bed when we moved in. It was basically an MCR shrine. I don't remember making it, but when we moved I was depressed, so I had probably been listening to more of that.
20
I haven't gotten up from my bed for 2 days. I told Phil I was sick, but I just feel like crap and don't see the point anymore. If we are so small, why do we matter?
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22
Numb everywhere. I pulled it together for the radio show, but afterwards, Phil asked me what was wrong; I just told him that I stayed up until 4 am on Tumblr. That isn't completely false, but it's not completely true.
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