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Chapter 10: Approaching Situation of Conflict (Conflict explained…
Chapter 10: Approaching Situation of Conflict
Intro story
Rhidge
Long distance friendship challenges
cancelling appointments
Feel like I was the one investing more in the friendship
Not responsive to my texts, but i would see him post Instagram pictures
Got to a point where I felt undervalued as a friend
Scared to confront him because I wasn't sure how he'd respond
Confrontation
He apologized, saying things were rough for his relationship
He recognized he was not holding up his end
I had a better understanding of where he was coming from
Conflict explained
Conflict defined
difference of ideas and opinions, also can be known as the clashing of thoughts and ideas
List examples
Dorm roommate too loud
Leader not doing his job
Why is conflict normal?
We think differently, therefore we will act differently (belief argument)
We are sinful. Therefore, we will hurt each other, intentionally or unintentionally.
Why is addressing conflict with others important? (confrontation)
Release the feelings of anger and hate
Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26).
Matthew 18:15 - go and tell him his fault between you and him alone
Provide clarity to a situation
Sometimes people don't know that they hurt us. They didn't mean to
By talking it out with someone, they'll be able to share you their perspective in the situation.
Mind-reading is a dangerous thing. As much as we think we know about what someone else is thinking, we don't.
Conflict Management Styles
Avoidant
Allen story
Accomodate
Use Jade as example
Compromise
Mark example
Collaborate
Make up story about someone collaborating
Competitive
Thomas example
Purpose
Each one has their own place and time
You probably have tendencies to one or a few of these
Recognize that these are probably tied to how conflict was handled in the past
Choose your battles
Same battles must be fought
1 Thessalonians 5:14 - Warn those who are irresponsible
Rachel Patterson: Confrontation happens when we bring biblical truth to someone’s attention to help them change and be more like Christ. We cannot say that we truly love our brothers and sisters if we are okay with letting them walk in sin without confronting them with truth.
If someone's hurt is
Some battles aren't worth the energy or consequences
Josh Squires: if your hurt on a scale of one to ten is less than or equal to five, then try to forgive and just move on
Vague story/representation of Royce
Knife analogy: use only for the most important things
Steps to Confronting Conflict
Mindset heading into conflict
Search your heart first, where are you coming from?
Don't think "I'm right, and you're wrong"
With that mindset, you won't be willing to listen and understand the other person.
With every conflict, a value of yours is violated.
Continually ask yourself, "Why is that a problem?"
Chloe situation? or back to Rhidge story
Calm down: heading into a conflict riled up will only lead to a shouting matches. Shouting matches don't usually end well
Make sure to process what you are feeling and the thoughts behind those feelings.
Initiating the conversation
First approach go alone and face to face
Matthew 18:15
There's no point in getting people involved in the first go around. The issue is between you and the other person.
Face to face communication allows for the full picture.
Tone of voice
Facial expression
body language
The conversation sandwich
Start with affirmation
Taking constructive criticism is hard for many. By affirming someone, they know that you value their presence in your life
When sharing your concerns, use I statements.
I feel
_
when you
__
because I value
___
Avoid you make me
__
Remember from Chapter 4 that our feelings are not controlled by others. They do a particular action, we have thoughts about their actions, and then we feel something
by using the I feel statements, we share the thoughts behind our feelings with those we are talking to
Avoid absolute: You always
or you never
Absolutes are usually never the case. A person will feel less validated for their efforts
Ending
Focus on what you hope to see moving forward
Share what you are willing/not willing to do
When sharing your concerns, be honest but calm. This is not a time to blow up at someone.
If the conversation is escalating, disengage and calm down.
No guarentees
No matter what you do, there might be some people that will not receive the criticism well. They are not going to change their ways.
follow the Biblical approach
Bring another person into the conversation (Matthew 18:16-17)
There is a limit though. If the person is not willing to apologize, admit wrong, then you know what type of person they are.
The most important thing to do is forgive them, even though they don't ask for forgiveness. You did your best, now let God handle the rest.
Receiving the confrontation
Search the intentions of those that are criticizing you
Those seeking to help you
Those seeking to harm you
Reach out to those who are close to you
If they see this fault in you, then the concern brought forward was valid
If not, then you can ignore the criticism
Avoid being defensive
Affirm the person for sharing their concerns. At least they are sharing them to you in your face rather than spreading rumors about you.