Conflict

What is conflict?

Conflict is the expressed struggle between two or more interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, limited resources and interference from the other party in achieving their goals

Conflict as Destructive

four assumptions of viewing conflict as destructive:

  1. Conflict is a destructive disturbance of the peace.
  2. The social system should not be adjusted to meet the needs of members; rather, members should adapt to the established values.
  3. Confrontations are destructive and ineffective.
  4. Disputants should be punished.

an option is to avoid conflict so that neither person has to face that result.

Conflict as Productive

to view conflict as a productive natural outgrowth and component of human relationships

four assumptions of viewing conflict as productive:

  1. Conflict is a normal, useful process.
  2. All issues are subject to change through negotiation.
  3. Direct confrontation and conciliation are valued.
  4. Conflict is a necessary renegotiation of an implied contract—a redistribution of opportunity, release of tensions, and renewal of relationships.

conflict provides an opportunity for strengthening relationships, not harming them.

It is a chance for relational partners to find ways to meet the needs of one another, even when these needs conflict.

Types of Conflict

Understanding the different ways of valuing conflict is a first step toward engaging in productive conflict interactions.

• Affective conflict: arises when we have incompatible feelings with another person.

ex: if a couple has been dating for a while, one of the partners may want to marry as a sign of love while the other decides he/she wants to see other people.

• Conflict of Interest: when people disagree about a plan of action or what to do in a given circumstance.

• Value Conflict: A difference in ideologies or values between relational partners is called value conflict.

• Cognitive Conflict: is the difference in thought process, interpretation of events, and perceptions

ex: Michael and Lisa are observing the same interaction but have a disagreement about what it means.

• Negotiation of Selves Conflict: when our identities and how we think the other person sees us conflict.

ex: as a17 year old living at home you might argue with your parents about what time to be home on a Friday night.

• Goal Conflict: when people disagree about a final outcome.

Conflict Management

  1. AVOIDING/DENYING: I lose, you lose.
  1. ACCOMMODATING: I lose, you win.
  1. COMPETING: I win, you lose.
  1. COLLABORATING: I win, you win.
  • withdraw from the situation
  • maintain neutrality
  • accede to the other parties
  • maintain harmony
  • minimally acceptable to all
  • relationship undamaged
  • zero-sum orientation
  • win/lose power struggle
  1. COMPROMISING: I lose, you lose (I win you win a little?)
  • expand range of possible options
  • achieve win/win outcomes

if we plot our interests and our investment in the other person another way to think of the choices is in terms of winning and losing.

Steps of Win-Win Problem Solving

People are NOT the problem. The problem is to find a satisfactory solution to the conflict.

  1. Identify your problem and unmet needs to yourself

  1. Make a date with them to find the right time to talk about the problem

  1. Describe your problem and needs to them using I-Language

  1. Ask them to paraphrase you to make sure they understand what you said

  1. Ask them what they want and need

  1. Paraphrase their wants and needs to be sure you understand them

  1. Negotiate a solution
  1. Evaluate the alternative solutions
  2. Generate a number of possible solutions
  3. Evaluate the alternative solutions
  4. Decide on the best solutions
  1. Follow-up on the solution to see if modifications are needed

Assertive Message

when you need to confront someone, especially if they have power in the situation.

  1. Describe the observable behavior:  not use evaluative language,  just like the first step of a perception check. 

  1. Offer your interpretation of the other person’s behavior

  1. Describe how their behavior makes you feel.

  1. Describe the consequences of their current and ongoing behavior.

  1. Describe your intentions. how you will respond if the behavior continues.
  1. could be a request, ex: “Please come to work on time.”
  2. how you will behave in the future, ex: “When you make racist jokes in the future, I will say something to you in front of everyone and then I will report you to your supervisor.”
  3. where you stand on the issue, ex: “I want you to know how much it upsets me when you don’t look at me.”

In my personal experience, the negotiation of selves conflict often happen in my daily life. Being as a 17 years old student, when I was still in Taiwan, I always arguing with my parents about what time should I go home at night. For me, I think I’m old enough to take care of myself and wanted to spend more time hanging out with my friends; but for my parents, they still view me as someone they should protect and had control of.

Personal connection