Identify your problem and unmet needs to yourself (What do you want? = “Wants” and Why do you want it? = “Needs”)
Make a date with them to find the right time to talk about the problem
Describe your problem and needs to them using I-Language
Ask them to paraphrase you to make sure they understand what you said
Ask them what they want and need (What do they want and why do they want it?)
Paraphrase their wants and needs to be sure you understand them
Negotiate a solution
Follow-up on the solution to see if modifications are needed
Describe the observable behavior: Describe the behavior, being careful to not use evaluative language. This first step is just like the first step of a perception check.
Offer your interpretation of the other person’s behavior: Again this is like the perception check. State why you think they are engaged in the behavior. Go ahead and offer two interpretations if you want.
Describe how their behavior makes you feel. While this is a consequence of the behavior it is important to state your feelings separate from the other consequences.
Describe the consequences of their current and ongoing behavior. These consequences could be to you, to them and/or to others.
Describe your intentions. This is a statement of how you will respond if the behavior continues. This statement could be a request (“Please come to work on time.”). It could be a statement of how you will behave in the future (“When you make racist jokes in the future, I will say something to you in front of everyone and then I will report you to your supervisor.”) Or, it could be a statement of where you stand on the issue (“I want you to know how much it upsets me when you don’t look at me.”)