Communication Climate
The overall feeling or emotional mood between people.
Measure this mood or feeling by the degree to which we feel valued.
EX: Dread going to visit your family during the holidays because of tension between you and your sister.
EX: Look forward to dinner with a particular set of friends because they make you laugh.
You are responding to the communication climate—the overall mood that is created because of the people involved and the type of communication they bring to the interaction.
Become Aware if Patterns of Communication That Contributes to Stability and Well-Being
Disconfirming Climates
Confirming Climates
Changing Patterns of Communication to Affirm and Support One Another
Defensive Communication Climates
Supportive Communication Climates
When we receive messages that demonstrate our value and worth from those with whom we have a relationship.
When we receive messages that suggest we are devalued and unimportant.
Foster emotional safety as well as personal and relational growth.
Characterized by causing defensiveness.
Positive spirals are when one partner’s confirming message leads to a similar response from the other person.
Being defensive is considered reciprocal in nature, meaning that we typically meet defensiveness with defensiveness. And then things spiral out of control---Escalatory Conflict Spiral.
Once a climate is formed, it can take on a life of its own and grow in a self-perpetuating spiral.
Defensive behavior from one party in a relationship evokes defensive behavior on the part of the other.
Six patterns of behavior in a relationship that evoke defensive reactions and contribute to the cycle of defensiveness:
Strategy: When we perceive that someone is trying to manipulate us or to conceal or disguise his or her true motives
Neutrality: When we perceive that someone is indifferent to our feelings and unconcerned about our welfare
Control: When we perceive that someone is attempting to change us or impose on us a solution for a problem
Superiority: When we perceive that someone assumes that he or she has a higher status or worth than we do or acts in a unilateral manner that shuts out feedback
Evaluation: When we perceive that someone is judging
Certainty: When we perceive that someone holds an unyielding and dogmatic position that is not open to dialogue
Describe Instead of Evaluate
Use Problem Orientation Instead of Control
Be Spontaneous Instead of Strategic
Respond with Empathy Instead of Neutrality
Instead of communicating with patterns of behavior that arouse defensiveness, use a corresponding set of supportive communication behaviors.
Vivien is irritated by one of Laverne's personal habits—say, leaving dirty dishes in the sink. In place of calling Laverne a slob, an evaluative behavior, Vivien could describe how or why the unwashed dirty dishes create a problem. But it would be Vivien's problem, not Laverne's.
Control: Vivien has a tendency to bark orders such as: Put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher as soon as you finish eating!
Problem-Orientation: Vivien might seek input from Laverne by asking, "What do you think is a good way to take care of the dishes?"
Spontaneous responses to problems disclose true feelings and motives.
Vivien's concern for neatness is insecurity, which is based in the fear that other friends or family members will see the dirty dishes and think that it is Vivien rather than Laverne who is the slob.
Strategic: But, rather than acknowledging those true fears, Vivien would prefer to manipulate Laverne into feeling shame.
Spontaneous: "I get uptight about dirty dishes in the sink. I am afraid that someone else is going to see the mess and think I made it. What if my mother suddenly showed up at the door? She would think I was a slob."
When we respond to others with empathy, we signal that we acknowledge and accept their feelings.
When we respond with neutrality, on the other hand, we signal that we dismiss or are indifferent to their feelings.
If Vivien were to follow the suggestions discussed thus far for using supportive communication behaviors—Laverne might be inclined to empathize with those feelings.
When we respond to situations with supportive communication behaviors, such as demonstrating empathy, we can create a cycle of supportiveness, rather than defensiveness.
Regard One Another with Equality Instead of Superiority
Be Provisional (Flexible) Instead of Certain
Instead of taking the upper hand in the relationship, we should strive for equality
Treating another person as an equal by expressing mutual trust and demonstrating genuine openness to his or her views.
Vivien should resist the temptation to claim that the tidier person is the superior person. Defensive responses are interactive. Gibb observes that when we feel we are being evaluated, we will sometimes lash out in response. So, Laverne should also refrain from judging Vivien as being overly concerned with or even ridiculous about the matter of neatness.
Provisional: open-mindedness and flexibility, a willingness to entertain ideas other than your own.
Provisional demonstrates a respect for other people's opinions and thus for them, as well.
Certainty: Laverne hears phrases such as: "You must clean up those dirty dishes, right now!"
Provisional: "When you get a chance, I would like it if you cleaned up the dishes."
Ideally, people in a relationship strive to develop a positive climate, one that is supportive and open.
By sharing tasks and responsibilities, partners know that they can count on one another and build a sense of interdependence and equality.
Maintaining the stability and well-being of a relationship requires that you develop a kind of mindfulness.
Gain an awareness of how you communicate with a partner and what impact each of your behavior has on the overall climate of communication.
Reading over these Supportive Communication Climates, I have realized that when I'm at work I use provisional instead of certainty method when asking coworkers to do something.
AUTUMN IRONS