failure writing

  1. the mistake
  1. Creation of the narrative-I am a failure

3-5. habits enhance idea of failure as identity

  1. Stagnation in depressive failure state
  1. Bad start to pushing out of cycle under new contraints
  1. stutter step in futile effort to change yourself while simultaneously making things harder on yourself.

This one is pretty simple. Doesn't need a lot of explanation. Some one can get stuck in feeling like a failure and satisfying the topical needs to soothe over the self esteem issues that feel too large to confront

This is all Brene' Brown's thing. Guilt vs. Shame. If the subject felt guilty for what they did it could separate it from them and get over it. But if they feel shame for what they did it becomes a reflection or evaluation of how good/bad they are as a person

This is where I am getting stuck because the research doesn't cover this. It's all my guesses and personal experience.

So what's the experience or guesses?

When the subject puts the failure on themselves. (This didn't work out so I must be a bad whatever and therefore a bad person.) When this happens the subject feels as though they may deserve punishment. I don't think people actively seek out punishment but it informs the narrative. When something else bad happens to them instead of it being a coincidence it's the universe rightly punishing them. They may not seek out good things for themselves or opportunities. Because they feel undeserving of them. With every additional problem their burdens seem to grow heavier and heavier while reinforcing their belief that they deserve all of this.

This leads to Brene Brown and the Winner Effect book

Alright so now that the subject has created a narrative where they are deserving of all punishment. And the punishment is never ceasing. The cycle is set up to make them feel worse and worse. I think that's the end of that stage.

Edit thought: I don't think I need to connect directly to the research. My writing will be confusing enough without throwing in passages from other writers

The set up is the cycle where the subject feels worse and worse because they are deserving of punishment and create a narrative where they continually get more and more punishment with little to no relief.

So eventually the subject gets tired of all this. They want change. And unfortunately it harder to be attracted to healthy slow change. It's much easier to go after the inspirational fast paced instant pay off

Of course that shit doesn't work. and then the double failure happens.

The narrative changes to: I originally fucked up spiraled down into something worse. A depressive episode and then I tried to change things for the better and failed at that too.

At this point the narrative just becomes a little more polished. A Sisyphus life. Everyday a big thing of willpower and a big failure.

Now this goes off the drawings but I want to finish the thought. The big willpower and big failure are both because they are aiming towards the wrong place. The big willpower or motivation is waking up in the morning and watching a shit load of inspirational youtube. The big failure is expecting to turn your life completely around by 9 oclock that day.

This kind of relates to the drawing in the contorted position the figure is and the sitting pose. Everyday or 6 months, etc the subject gets fed up and tries to change everything in one big go. Doesn't work and they create a whole bunch more fuel for the failure narrative.